Hello Singles and Kittens.
Today we will dive into the murky waters of catfish and kitten fish. But first, what do these terms mean in the dating context?
A catfish is someone who has created an entirely false online identity. While the act of creating a fake profile is not illegal, catfish may engage in illegal activities; such as fraud or harassment. The term was coined in a 2010 documentary of the same name. The documentary The Tinder Swindler is another cautionary tale of catfishing and fraud.
If you run across a catfish in dating, immediately stop all contact and block them on any of your personal social media. If they are still matched with you on a dating app, report them via the app and block them there as well. Do not bother to let them know how you feel about the situation, they do not care.
Catfish are predators.
No one likes being made a fool of, but I suggest you view it as a lesson learned. It is absolutely not personal, and you have nothing to feel bad about. I know it sucks, but it is best to let go and move on. Do not waste your time wondering why someone would do this; as a kind human, you will never understand.
A kitten fish may be viewed as catfish-light. The key difference is that the kitten version is a real person, with a real life, but they have embellished their online profile to appear more attractive. There is generally no malice intended, and there is a spectrum of just how misleading their profile may be.
Let’s look at some examples and how to figure out if you are playing with a kitten fish.
Listed age
Both men and women are guilty of listing incorrect ages on the apps. I understand this to a point, some of us are young at heart after all. But it remains dishonest and disrespectful.
If you are chatting and they immediately divulge their accurate age, you may choose to forgive. If it takes them a while to come clean, I call it a red flag.
Here is an example of how the incorrect age plays out in the algorithm. My dating age range is set to 45–60 in the app I use. Occasionally young men (clearly in their 20s or 30s) show up in my recommended matches, because they have listed their age as much older. They do this to match with older women because that is their preference. Sweet right? No, actually it is not. It is a waste of my time and a breach of boundaries.
If I wanted a date with a young hottie holding a kitten, I would set my profile up to reflect that.
Photos
If there is just one photo, caution is advised. If they are invested in finding a relationship, surely, they can provide some additional photos. It is so easy to upload from a smartphone; there is really no excuse. Do they not have any friends that can take photos?
Next, have the images been altered or enhanced? It has become common practice (I am calling out the women here) to apply smoothing and perfecting filters on photos posted to social media, and this extends into the online dating world. Reality-check ladies, this is kitten fishing, your matches do not like it any more than you do. Often the filters are so obvious, the photos are actually creepy and not flattering. Be the real you.
Look at all of the photos, and not just the primary profile image which will likely be the most flattering. Browsing through the photo collection, at the end of the album is probably the real deal. If there is a marked gap in age and appearance from the rest of the photos, swipe left.
I have seen men do this a lot. There will be nine photos of them in their glory days and then one recent one — sometimes there is a 20–30-year difference! I don’t know about you, but I want someone who is comfortable in their own skin in the here-and-now and not living in the past.
To try and determine if photos are recent, look at clothing, skin, hair, and even the furniture in the background. It may be that the flattering beach photos are from long-ago vacations. Do not assume all the photos are recent.
I actually zoom in on the photos provided. The objects in the room can give you hints, and you can sometimes see evidence of what their profile presents. If they are a musician, there might be instruments in the background. If they are an IT guru, multiple monitors or a lot of other tech. You get the idea.
Once you are chatting off the dating platform (but before you have met), encourage new photos — better yet have a video call.
Real name
If you have been chatting with someone who has a username, ask for their full name. In my opinion, they should be providing that right from the start — the use of fictional names or silly user-ids is a pet-peeve of mine.
If someone is reluctant to provide a full name, well I would wonder why. Either they think you are suspicious (so why are they talking with you?), or they are not sincere.
I can promise you; you are going to encounter some oddball characters and maybe even someone who turns abusive online. The dilemma of online fraud and harassment is real but, treating everyone like they are dangerous is not exactly fair. It is a choice based on fear and baggage.
Think about this. If you were chatting at a party or in a bar and at the introduction stage, you would provide your name, right? You might even provide where you work! If the goal is to progress a relationship, this is a basic first level of trust.
Validating identity — theirs and yours
Once you know their name, conduct a web search. Expect them to do the same. In the paradigm of online dating, it is highly appropriate to conduct a search and I always do.
Potential search outcomes:
- You cannot find information anywhere — possibly, but not necessarily, a red flag.
- You find them but are not able to see any information; i.e… they have strong privacy parameters — nothing suspicious about this.
- You find them and the information correlates with their dating profile — yay a green flag!
- You find them and something is amiss — trust your instincts and un-match.
Don’t forget to check out professional networks like LinkedIn, and a general web search. Not everyone uses the go-to social media platforms.
How does your profile stack up?
Take a look and ask yourself if you have presented the authentic you? Being honest and vulnerable will serve you better in finding a match than altered photos and facts. Be what you want to attract.
According to a study by Pew Research in 2019, 71% of the participants believed that it was a common practice for people to lie or misrepresent themselves on dating platforms. I find this a sad state of affairs.
Like you, I find the phony and misleading profiles on dating apps tiresome and frustrating. It is super annoying (and a massive turn-off) when a man I meet in person shows up 5–10cm shorter, or 20kg heavier than expected. And before you start shaming me, it is not about the appearance, it is about the lie.
The dating app OKCupid conducted a survey indicating that men almost universally increase their height by 2 inches (5cm). A study of photos uploaded to the platform revealed the average photo was about three months old, but the really attractive photos were older.
Bottom line?
Catfishing is predatory. Report and block.
Kitten fishing is a dating strategy, and if you are okay with employing the practice; you must also be okay with being on the receiving end of it.
Feel free to leave your reaction and comments… or even your kitten fishing stories.
Talk soon,
Karen
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Emmanuel Ortiz on Unsplash
