Hey, if you want your personal fantasy football brand to be represented by underdeveloped characters and implausible storylines, that’s on you.
As Commissioner of the Ravens Reunion Fantasy Football League, I am proud to announce that my team is playing for the Championship this weekend. The magnitude of the occasion is unfathomable. It marks a triumphant return to the finals for my team, and it will provide a spectacular story for my weekly newsletter when last year is avenged and the name Captain C is finally engraved on the side of the coveted Lombohdi Trophy.
The trophy was crafted by one of our owners and a former classmate from prep school Baltimore in the late 80’s. He now lives in LA working on a famous television show, often promising to provide cool swag from said television show but ultimately having provided no swag whatsoever as of this writing. My Old Pal Works on a Famous TV Show And All I Got Was This Lousy Trophy.
Just kidding, Lombohdi, just kidding, you’re the best and we’re going to have a great year together. This whole season you’ve been languishing in home of KAOS, the team whose lucky bastard owner snagged you last year. You will definitely get a much more prominent place of display when you move in with me. A fine, fine conversation piece like you shouldn’t be boxed up. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
My team is Captain C, an homage to Captain Chesapeake, the beloved 1970’s Charm City after-school kids’ show icon.
<<<= Here’s my logo.
The real Captain C was arguably the world’s nicest man, which is why my reconstruction of him as a zombiefied bloodthirsty pirate is so spectacular, as I see it. There are a few people in my league who shall remain nameless who could benefit from putting a little more effort and energy into their team names, logos and significance of the backstories behind those team names. But hey, if you want your personal fantasy football brand to be represented by underdeveloped characters and implausible storylines, that’s on you. Either way, it’s all going into my weekly newsletter.
I’m playing Cajun Spice, a team owned by a woman who also works for that same famous TV show, and she’s a formidable foe. The Spice have been in the finals twice, and lost both times. The Buffalo Bills of the RRFFL, sort of. But I can’t let my empathy for her as a human being cloud my judgment or dull my reaction times. Not even by a millisecond. This is for all the marbles. Here’s the matchup:
The rosters are set, and on paper, Captain C is a big favorite. This won’t officially be decided until Crabtree plays on Monday night, and until then, we wait. To help pass the unbearable hours between now and my inevitable rendezvous with the coveted Lombohdi Trophy, let’s review some of my philosophies as Commissioner, imparted via my newsletter:
The rewards shall come in the form of hilariously enjoyable insults. The punishments shall come in the form of hilarious insults that the other owners will enjoy more than you. Returned insults are strongly encouraged. This guy owned the Soup Kitchen Champs. He just got on my nerves somehow, I forget why.
The only kind of acceptable puns.
The caption on this one was “Highest Seeds Emerge on Top” referring of course to the tournament-style seeding process one finds at the end of most fantasy football seasons.
This is the only way puns are acceptable in fantasy football, and specifically should never be used in team names. The whole Somewhere Over the Dwayne Bowe thing is just wrong and should not be encouraged.
If you are in the league, you are expected to participate in the league.
Those who go silent and leave roster slots empty or otherwise don’t engage to a level matching the vigorous standards the Commish has established will get called out.
This was an example that had to be made of the man who was Best Man at my wedding who became President of a company and moved to a French-speaking environment in Montreal and somehow lost his priorities along the way and began completely ignoring his team. Didn’t want to have to portray him as a corpse. Felt I owed it to him. It didn’t work, he quit the league anyway. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years as Commissioner, it’s that they can’t all be saved.
Naturally, your league’s payout structure should be based on weekly and yearly incentives as well as final order of finish. This complex algorithm will help encourage natural selection, scaring away the intellectually uncurious and raising the collective IQ of the league. (Collective League IQ is a stat that rarely gets the attention it deserves.
NOTES: Total pot this year was $550, $50 from everyone except the African Amateurs, a team whose owner was entering a year in the Peace Corps with uncertain internet access. He forfeits any winnings to the champ, probably Captain C. The weekly tally represents two weekly $5 incentives for highest team points scored and highest points scored by an individual player. DC Boltz came in last, and thus forfeits any money he earned over the course of the season to the eventual champ, which it of course looks like will be Captain C for sure.
These can help build intrigue for an upcoming game. Here, I ran the numbers on this weekend’s championship game and asked the question, Which Team is Most Statistically Likely to Win Between Captain C and Cajun Spice? The results were conclusive:
But if, like Sisyphus, my fate is to continue pushing that mythic shark up fantasy hill only to have it roll right back down, then so be it. The suffering I experience can only enhance my artistic interpretation of the rest of these stupid assholes throughout next year’s newsletters.
Besides, I wouldn’t want the absolute power of being a champion to go to my head or anything.
UPDATE: 12/21/13 4:42pm EST
Cajun Spice has swapped Zach Miller for Andrew Quarless at TE.
UPDATE: 12/22/13 12:17pm EST
Maurice Jones Drew is going to play. Jordan Todman is out of my lineup. My FLEX choices were Amendola, Delanie Walker or Dennis Pitta. Going with my heart- Pitta is in.
Cajun Spice picks up Heath Miller to replace Zach Miller. Raven versus Steeler!
UPDATE 12/22/13 8:29pm EST
Captain C is up 101-82. I still have Brandon Marshall tonight, Cajun Spice has Matt Forte tonight and then Michael Crabtree tomorrow night. This could go either way!
UPDATE 12/23/13 2:11pm EST
The smoke has cleared and the battlefield is littered with bodies. The score stands at 110-84, Captain C on top. However, Cajun Spice has one last gasp- Michael Crabtree plays tonight. Can he get 25 points? Yahoo puts the odds of this happening at 2%. Final update tomorrow.
UPDATE 12/24/13 8:44am EST
FINAL SCORE: CAPTAIN C 110, CAJUN SPICE 96
— Photos by the Author