A professional dating coach wants men to know that women, “love your masculinity in all the glorious forms it can manifest in you … Your specific masculinity is desirable and attractive.”
As a dating coach, I read a lot of dating advice that is available out there. Some of it I agree with and may use with my own clients, and some of it shocks me and makes me shake my head. Reading various advice helps me to know what ideas people are being exposed to.
Here is a list of some of the very bad dating advice I have seen given to men:
• Don’t be a beta wuss no matter what, or all women will friendzone you immediately.
• Act confident and somewhat arrogant, chicks dig that.
• Always go after sex with every girl you are dating or even casually seeing.
• Have sex with every woman who is willing, because women don’t want a sexually inexperienced man.
• Do not ask women what they want, for they don’t even know what they want themselves so whatever answer they give you will probably put you in the friendzone if you achieve it.
• Women only want alpha males who are extroverted bad boys, so if you aren’t all of that, you must pretend to be like that or no women will ever want you.
Any advice that encourages all men to behave and feel the same way and insists that women don’t know what they want…is just plain bad advice. Whatever you bring to the table is totally awesome to someone, or maybe lots of someones. I know, that sounds like fairy tale stuff. But it really is that simple. Your particular special snowflake flavor is going to be some person’s (or many people’s) favorite special snowflake flavor.
The notion that all men must act in a certain alpha manner and look a certain way, and that all (or most) women will be attracted to only that type of guy simply isn’t true. I have known women of all ages who were attracted to any type of man you can describe, in both looks and personality, and any combination of these. Here are some examples:
• stoic, quiet types
• guys who work in healthcare
• shy, inexperienced guys
• metro guys
• spiritual guys
• mysterious guys
• bookish types
• cross dressers
• computer gamers
• quirky, interesting, out-of-the-ordinary guys
• emo guys
• engineer types
• long haired hippie freaks
• “Spock” types
• dancing and singing types
• skinny dudes
• heavy dudes
• average sized dudes
• guyliner/gender-bender types
There are dozens of other types I could have mentioned, too many to fit here.
Notice that there weren’t any alpha bad boy extroverts mentioned. And the types listed above don’t necessarily exude confidence either. But women can be attracted to guys who lack outward confidence because it can be so incredibly endearing for a man to just be who he is, including not being confident.
It may seem I am contradicting myself because my husband is in fact a confident, athletic type of guy. But he is flawed, too, with both physical and personality flaws. And he is able to be vulnerable and admit those flaws and let me see them and therefore, really know him. If he acted like a puffed up, never-let-them-see-you-cry type of guy, I would not be into to him. It is his admitted weaknesses as much as his strengths that I am attracted to. I need to be able to reveal my weaknesses and flaws in a relationship, so I want that same vulnerability in a partner. My husband also has the capacity for so much tenderness and emotional intimacy. These would be considered “beta wuss” traits by the PUA community. But they are a delicious part of his beautiful masculinity, to me.
It is true that some women are attracted to the alpha bad boy arrogant PUA types, but it is just as true that many women are not. I have heard so many women saying that type is a total turn off to them. I have also heard it argued “but the same woman would want to have sex with a guy like that if the timing was right”, as if this created alpha-man type is some kind of irresistible sexual force to all women on a primal level. But it really isn’t. The people who are promoting this idea are wrong. So many women will never be attracted to that type of man, have sex with one, or be in a relationship with one. Those men do not have a universal appeal.
If you are trying to date and meet women and having a hard time at it, this doesn’t mean you need to change yourself into someone you are not, especially not a pretend alpha-dude. Instead, get some dating advice related to finding the women who will be attracted to you as you really are. I know that it used to be considered lame advice to say “just be yourself”, but hopefully we now know this really was the best advice after all, and it is the only advice anyone can successfully execute. Who else could you authentically be?
Men, we love your masculinity in all the glorious forms it can manifest in you. Pour it on us in your exquisite and unique flavor. Your specific masculinity is desirable and attractive. Keep it and expand on it and become self-aware about who you are and what you want.
I’m writing from the hetero female perspective, because I can’t speak from the gay male perspective. But I think it is safe to assume that gay men love masculinity in all of its variety, too.
I love watching attraction develop between people. It is like unique song being composed as events unfold. The process is so inspiring to watch. And it doesn’t only happen between perfect Barbies and GI Joe’s. It happens between every type of person, everywhere, all the time.