Learning to Balance the Give and Take in Relationships

I turn 50 next year — a milestone birthday. In my estimation, I’ve lived more than half my life. Half of that was spent being married, raising kids, recognizing how unhappy I was in my marriage, and gathering the courage to walk out.

It’s sufficient to say that I did my fair share of compromising my desires, needs, and wants for others. The beauty of getting older and doing the inner work is the clarity that it brings to how I’d like to live out the rest of my life.

As tiring as it may feel on some days, I am used to doing things on my own and making things happen for myself. Strong and independent are traits that describe me. I am a giver. I like helping others, and I derive great joy from that role. Maybe that explains why I am a teacher.

What may seem like desirable qualities, on the outside, can also be limiting. My independence and constant giving often leave me feeling taken for granted, and resentment follows. In retrospect, I realized I didn’t know how to receive, set boundaries, and honor myself.

Let me explain.

The fact that I like helping people sends an implicit message about my position of power, screaming, “I have what you need, therefore I will give/ share.” With the history of expecting and being disappointed that most people cannot match my level of giving, I now give without expecting to receive in return. This way, I avoid disappointment.

On occasions that warranted receiving, I felt very uncomfortable and indebted to the giver. That is my self-identified weakness.

In my line of work, I urge people to flip their perspective and treat themselves as they would treat a friend. For example, when someone loses a tennis match or does poorly on a test, many people are hard on themselves and say things like, “I suck!” or “I’m such a loser” or “I’m so bad at this subject.”

Now, if this were a friend, I am unlikely to walk up to them and say, “You suck.” At least not if I want to be a supportive friend. It is important to treat ourselves with the same kindness as we would a friend.

To improve my receiving behavior, I have used this strategy, and it has helped me receive with as open a heart as I have in giving. I have also realized that I need to feel a slight sense of entitlement, that I deserve it. I now understand that receiving as a gesture is a necessary ingredient for building and nurturing interdependence in a relationship.

If autonomy and self-reliance are at one end of the spectrum, loyalty and interdependence are at the other. Striking a fine balance between the two is important to any meaningful relationship.

With age, I have learned to recognize and honor what I want and need without shrinking myself to accommodate others. Here’s an example.

Knowing that my boyfriend doesn’t really like going into the city, I said I was happy with a movie and dinner in our neighborhood when he asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday last year. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the evening and felt special.

This year, I wanted to dine at a high-end restaurant in the city. I was contemplating just going on my own, too. In many ways, I felt bad about expecting him to splurge on me. This is where I practiced flipping the perspective. For his birthday, he wanted to go to a Broadway show and dinner afterward. Without a doubt, it was my pleasure to treat him on his special day

I asked myself why I was getting all bent up about wanting to do what I wanted for my birthday. After all, I was willing to treat myself if I had to. You see, I was falling back on my patterns of accommodating everyone else, and also partly, not wanting to be disappointed. There was this fear (from the past) that I would state what I wanted, only to hear that my wishes were extravagant, risking rejection or even humiliation.

It made me ask him twice if he was sure he was okay with the plan. Even at the restaurant, when we received the bill, I offered to pay the 20% tip, and he graciously declined. I won’t lie, I felt uncomfortable, but I also forced myself to get out of my comfort zone and celebrate my birthday the way I wanted to without any regrets.

I have to give myself credit for getting to this space where I am unapologetic about what I want and can be open to receiving the love and attention I duly deserve, as I readily give. If giving provides me with purpose, connection, and joy, learning to receive has taught me to be vulnerable and appreciative of the people in life.

It’s self-care, not selfish, to communicate my needs and receive what I want from the ones I love.

Receiving has done wonders for my self-worth, and, more importantly, it has taught me to build trust in my relationships. I catch myself when I sense the initial hesitation to receive and move past that stage to experience the joy of receiving. Looking at it from my giving lens, I am indeed giving the other person the opportunity to experience the joy of giving.

From a scale of 1–10, with 10 being most comfortable, how would you rate your giving and receiving behavior? If I am a 10 in giving, I am a 5 in receiving. Hey, that’s an improvement from 0 to 1.