I hate being called a failure.
I made excuses when my family called me out on my laziness. Pointing out obstacles that prevented me from excelling while announcing my ambitious plans. It’s all BS.
But that’s what happens in the face of insecurity. We do one or the combination of three things: deny, hide, or compensate. All forms of avoiding. It leads to self-rejection, which becomes self-hate, ultimately turning into low self-esteem.
Imperfect is perfect
Self-improvement is a paradox.
Our flaws make us feel inferior. Yet the attempt to change creates even more anxiety. Because trying to fix ourselves signifies that there’s something inherently wrong with us.
Think about your inner demons. For me, it’s peaking in people’s fabulous lives on social media. As fake as it may be, it tortures me. For you, it could be your weight. Perhaps it’s your singing voice. Maybe it’s the lower entry job you’re temporarily surviving with. You avoid bringing them up in a conversation. The resistance and the shame you carry causes even more pain.
On top of that, you tend to control and worry. They give an illusion that you’re doing something about your situation, such as preparing for the worst. In reality, they do nothing but cause further concern.
You walk around self-conscious of the bald spot on your hair. Covering with hats and combing other parts of your hair over it. The more you bring attention to it, the more others notice. But the less you care, the less uncomfortable it makes others.
More importantly, defects don’t exist. Everything you despise about yourself is merely a result of what you are or aren’t willing to accept. Your perception is 100% reality. Although society may not always see it that way, you yourself should know that you’re supposed to be incomplete somehow. It’s how human beings are designed. To be perfect actually means being imperfect.
I have a combination of two missings tooths, a broken tooth, and a gap in between the two front teeth. I was lucky never to have anyone degrade me for it throughout my life, at least not to my face. Therefore, I haven’t thought much about it. I tried braces in high school but it was too frustrating, so I gave up. Had kids in school made fun of me for it, I would have been self-conscious.
At this point though, I don’t care. Say what you want about it, or anything else about me you disdain. Approaching 30 years old, there isn’t much that I haven’t yet accepted about myself. Because fighting against the parts of me that I can’t change is to say no to myself. You and I are way beyond that.
Your flaws can become your weapon
Outlaws made crimes an admiration. Hip-hop turned the struggle into pride. James Dean made it cool to rebel. Tall, grown men rock tight, skinny capris like it’s sexy.
What’s considered a flaw in someone’s eyes is a strength in another. It’s about how you project it — confidence.
I hung around hip kids in high school, they thought I was too preppy. I arrived at college and I was too urban.
“You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt
There’s no point in being in conflict with your makeup.
When you’re unapologetic about your imperfections, they often shine. Some would consider rigidness and seriousness to be boring qualities. But it doesn’t fend off admirers of Kobe Bryant. In fact, it projects authority and professionalism, making goofy personalities look like fools.
There will always be people who love your flaws. Take Peter Griffin in Family Guy. His sleaziness and stupidity actually make you love him.
I used to project myself as bold and tough, which is the opposite of my nature. Not that I don’t have that side of me, but it just isn’t my MO, and that constantly makes me anxious. Once I returned to my introverted self, it felt like taking a prescribed pain killer, filled with calmness. Ironically, being shy and quiet causes more intrigue as people find me mysterious and silently strong.
For real, who says your flaw is a flaw?
Desire self-love more than external love
You starve for attention and neglect yourself. You try to become what’s popular and fit the expected mold. Try shifting your focus.
Up to around age 22, I only cared about how I present myself to others, how I will be perceived. What’s attractive, what isn’t acceptable. I wanted to be a person that the world loves instead of the person I truly am. Because I valued outside opinion more than my own.
Belonging and acceptance are important. Just not as important as self-love. Waking up to this realization will free you from the agony of patching up your imperfections from the world.
Fighting against your insecurities make you more insecure
Here is an excerpt from the book Radical Acceptance:
If we are holding back from any part of our experience, if our hearts shut out any part of who we are and what we feel, we are fueling the fears and feelings of separation that sustain the trance of unworthiness.
Here’s the thing. It’s not only okay to be imperfect. You’re supposed to be imperfect. It would be abnormal or fake otherwise. If you’re able to let go of control, which you don’t have anyway. And stop resisting your nature. You’ll find empowerment and freedom. It’ll finally feel like you’re ready to live.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Elijah O’Donnell on Unsplash