Ah, the pumpkin spice is in the coffee. The fall leaves have become Instagram fashionable. Hay rides behind a tractor that spits black smoke and coats your lungs. It’s time for fall and that means fall decorations! But perhaps this year you take a step back and let your husband do the fall decoration.
Scented pine cones, plastic door wreaths, and cute little signs that you find at Sears are your passion. It’s the reason for the season as your Pier One Imports plaque reminds you as it is unpacked from the box. But you know, maybe this year you take the fall off. You’ve given enough so let your husband live, laugh, and love his way into taking over the fall decorations.
The first thing you’ll notice is what a great job he has done in the entryway. There is a small bowl of potpourri near the door handle, which has a red ribbon tied to it. Oh, and on the floor? That’s special chainsaw sawdust, complete with the festive wood mites that found his way in from his last project. Yes, it’s supposed to be in the shape of his boot and in no way was left there accidentally. It’s just his aesthetic, let your husband express himself.
Let’s move to the living room and see what wonderful decorations are ready to capture your fall spirit. Yes, of course, the chainsawed carved stump makes for a lovely centerpiece in your living room. That decorative sawdust had to come from somewhere. The scene of a bear attacking a garden gnome really does capture the feeling of the season, doesn’t it? Such a lovely piece of art draws the eye in, but not quite as much as Billy the Big Mouth Bass that now sings over your fireplace. The whole room just feels so cozy.
Now the surprises that await you in the kitchen truly make your heart come alive. What’s that spice that lingers in the air? Take a deep breath and see if you can place it? Do you have it yet? Yes, it’s motor oil as he winterized his lawn tools! The burnt smell of old oil makes your soul sing. But better yet, your sink acts as a cornucopia of other garage fluids that have not been recycled properly. That’s your man, always thinking about creating an environment that you can just lose yourself in. Please remember to keep open flames away from the sink for a couple of days while the season melts in for a few days.
Now it’s time to go outside because fall means nature is putting itself to sleep and you, for some unknown reason, have to celebrate this. Are you basic? Shush those dark thoughts in your head. You’re very original, just like every other person on your block, on your Facebook feed, and your Twitter page. Outside is where your husband really shined when you asked him to take over decorating this fall.
The disembowel scarecrow is placed so carefully right in the middle of the yard. You must admit, it wouldn’t have been your first choice of decorations, but somehow that hard-working man pulled it off. I’m sure he didn’t lose his cool screaming “why the hell do I have to put this stupid thing up?” before ripping it in half just like how Juggernaut did with Deadpool. And is that the Tin Man right next to him! Um, no. That’s just the actual oilcan he threw at the scarecrow. At least his heart was in the right place!
But the true piece de resistance (oh, French in the fall is so romantic) is what has happened to the mailbox. Instead of a cute little sign saying things like “Fall is in the air,” or a Shakespearean quote such as “Double, double, toil and trouble! Fire burn and cauldron bubble,” he has gone another direction. His sign reads “Crom, so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!” As we all know, that is a quote from Conan the Barbarian and really brings the fall season into perspective.
Sit back and now relax in your perfectly live, laugh, and loved home. Forget those pesky questions of why you have to decorate because it starts to get dark by 6 PM. Those voices will quiet down with each glass of pumpkin spice toilet wine you drink. Oh, where did you get the wine? It’s a special brew from the man of the hour: your husband! He really did go all out and never questioned the need to decorate at all.
Don’t forget, winter decorations are next, and oh what fun ideas he has! Quick question, how do you feel about yard art done with refrigerator parts and heater coils from the water heater?
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