Dr. Christina Edmonson speaks about parenting impact on future mate selection.
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For the last couple of years my ears have been privy to a conversation among several African American parents of newborns or toddlers. On the surface, it’s pretty comical to hear parents discuss what sounds like toddler matchmaking. These parents seem motivated by the fear that their daughter (in particular) will have few options for future mate selection. Certainly, this seems like a premature concern when your kid is not yet out of diapers. However, the frequency of these conversations has spurred me to think about this sentiment more seriously. And as the mother of two young daughters, I too must admit my own worries over this matter. Lately, the question that I have been pondering is this: how is our parenting impacted when we think that mate selection will be a struggle for our child 2 decades from now?
Maybe you have heard this expression, “Black mothers raise their daughters, but they love their sons.” Even if you haven’t heard it before, I would wager that most people “in-community” catch the drift of this statement. At the heart of it, it implies that Black moms primarily train, discipline, and direct their daughters. However, they love their sons meaning they primarily protect, nurture, and even coddle them. If this dynamic is true, we should expect a generation of women “as tough as nails,” yet distrusting of the concrete benefits that a man can bring to the table. Additionally, there would be a generation of men expecting a “momma” from the women that they date. Remember momma-girlfriend takes care of them, expects little, and gives much. The consequences of this expression at its most extreme would manifest into a dynamic in which both black men and women would engage in a constant cycle of disappointment with each other. Some all too familiar claims reflect these frustrations– “you want too much from me,” “I can do bad all by myself,” or “who needs a man?”
Rapper Jay-Z’s rumored statement that he would no longer use the offensive “B-word” in his music after the birth of his daughter is not surprising, despite being long overdue. Fatherhood, like motherhood, should change people for the better. Those of us who have daughters have a particular fear of them being used, abused, and disregarded, so we “raise” them. Many with sons attempt to buffer them from the hostile and degrading spirit that permeates society against black men, so we “love” them.
The truth is parenting styles involved in raising daughters and sons are more complex than a simple expression can capture. There are many households where this expression may be reversed. In the amazing task of parenting, many variables come into play like the presence of both parents, employment, religious convictions, the stability and health of the marriage, as well as the resources available to that family. Much has been written both scholarly and anecdotally about black intimate relationships so much so that I have chosen not to enter the fray of ideas and finger-pointing.
Instead, I want to propose a charge to the parents of the next generation of Black couples. Our children desperately need to be both loved and raised. In reality to love them is to discipline them. We need even-handed parenting for both our sons and our daughters. So much of parenting is impacted by the relationship between the parents of the child. It is hard not to be led by guilt and have your parenting negatively impacted because of your poor mate selection. We need to be real about that. Hating a son because he looks just like his “busted daddy” is just as troubling as spoiling him out of guilt because his dad is a “deadbeat.” Expecting a little girl to be superwoman is out of bounds although equipping her with the resources and confidence-building affirmations so that she can soar is a wonderful thing. Parenting is deeply rewarding yet painfully difficult.
I don’t have biological sons, but I am committed to raising and loving daughters who will respect men. They will respect men enough to expect them to treat them well. Somewhere out there, I hope there is a parent loving and raising sons who will not be looking for another mom one day, but instead be ready and eager to love a woman as a only a respectable man can. The desire we have to raise our daughters to be able to fend for themselves is based on the sense that we dare not bank on them acquiring a relationship with a man sober and loving enough to care for them. Rightfully so, we also, respect and admire women who are competent and capable to care for themselves. We can achieve both. Girl power does not equate to boys suck. Let’s endeavor not to set our kids up with the relationship issues that plague us today.
Originally appeared on BLC Life
Photo: Army Medicine/Flickr
Great article! Unfortunately, this is more rule than exception TODAY, not some 20 years in the future…. and not just in our community, but it seems to be a shared experience in many cultures. I applaud parents who are looking 20 years into the future for the benefit of their legacy. Let’s go one step further and create that dynamic today by challenging our peers to be their best selves. We must BE the CHANGE we want to see! This is the best way to plant/nurture the seeds of our children’s future relationships. I believe GMP is a huge resource… Read more »