Every problem in the world arrives at my doorstep. Does the vacuum cleaner make weird sounds? Get dad over here. Is there a water leak in the basement? Dads your go-to. Problems with your friend group and need someone to fix it? Let dad grab his hammer. This is where I tell you I watch too many mafia movies.
For the record, I’m fine when I do this with my wife. She needs to realize how useful I am and therefore remain forever trapped in the marriage. It’s worked for twenty-eight years, so lets not rock the boat.
With my kids though, I won’t always be there. And more importantly, I shouldn’t always be there. They will never learn self-reliance if dad is always around. What really makes this hard is that there are times when I have to be anti-dad. I have to keep my dad down and let them figure out things on their own.
I’m getting better at it, especially as they get older, but it’s also getting harder. Their problems as toddlers revolved around snapped-in-half tables or overflowing sinks. These were things that I could at least fix with my hands. But as teenagers, there are problems still on my plate that have fewer clear-cut answers. I can’t take a hammer to them. Well, not unless I was a mafia boss, which I am considering.
Friend drama became more common as they got older, especially when they entered high school. Not only those personal relationships, but I also worry about their friends. It occurred to me that I have to be a role model not only for my kids but also for their friends.
Then there are body issues, school shootings, college, grades, and everything else in the world that is going wrong all the time. I am fully aware that I have turned into a bit of a worry wart. These problems go beyond my ability to fix.
What I can do is guide them through the issues so that at the very least we have a clear understanding of them. Or if not an understanding, at least a consensus that they exist and are important in my children’s lives. And this is very hard for me, and I think, any dad.
It is our natural inclination to be the fixers for the people in our lives. Dads are hands-on, quick with a tool, and a plan of attack. When my daughter snapped a table in half (don’t let your kids jump off the table), it was obvious what I had to do. I got my drill out, some leftover 2 x 4s, and fixed the table. When my wife comes to me because there is a spider in the house, I grab a shoe. When my son needs a band-aid, it was easy to solve the problem. But what it doesn’t allow is for my kids to take ownership of the problem. And therefore, not take ownership of the solution. It doesn’t teach them to be self-reliant.
That approach is in direct conflict with who I am as a person, and I struggle with that balance. My wife says that I have a hero complex, and she is not wrong. I like being that guy. I like that I can make someone else’s life a bit easier. To take away someone’s fear and anxiety is a powerful thing, and it’s easy to get lost in that feeling. But sometimes I have to hold back because if I don’t, my kids will end up living in my basement forever.
I often wonder if other dads struggle with this. How do we keep ourselves in check so that our kids can grow into the people they will need to be? The world will give them nothing, and they will have to fight for the life they want. There is no other way. And I need to teach them to fight by not fighting myself. The duality of that drives me insane, but at the same time, is the right call to make.
Or I hope so. Let me consult the mafia don handbook.
This goes beyond helicopter parenting. I’m not hovering, I’m fixing, even sometimes when I shouldn’t. I’m at my best when I listen, another skill that I am trying to perfect as I get older. I’m naturally loud, boisterous, and you will know when I am in the room. I’ve found the best thing I can do when my children come to me with problems is to shut my piehole and just be their sounding board.
I listen and give them a nudge in the right direction during these times. Or if not, ask questions to get them to look at the problem from another direction. And it is hands down one of the hardest parts of parenting.
The best thing I can do right now when my children come to me with their problems is to not fix them. This is something that is not natural for me, but what that means is that I don’t always have the right answers.
Maybe my kids do.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
