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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
Not Just a Crush
You’re not just imagining this person is amazing when they’re not. What happens is you take whatever qualities they have that could be amplified, and you amplify them to the nth degree while deciding not to care about the bad qualities.
Why Do Some People Get Under Our Skin?
Why is it that certain people get so under our skin that we cannot let them go? There are different kinds of feelings we have toward people. There’s a basic attraction you might feel for someone who is physically attractive. There are feelings you might have for someone you admire. But at a certain point, physical attraction and admiration can turn into something else entirely.
Introducing Limerence
That something is at the root of what we’re talking about today—this word that some people have heard of and others never have, but most people have experienced: limerence.
The term was coined by Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s to describe the intense feelings we often mistake for being “in love.” Tennov studied it deeply, breaking it down into components and creating a psychological framework for it. When fully realized, limerence turns into a kind of obsession toward someone.
Beyond Love or Lust
Limerence is not just having a crush, not just attraction, and not even the same as love. It’s also different from sexual attraction. Limerence can involve love or sex, but neither is required. It exists as something altogether separate—a specific kind of obsession that can dominate someone’s mind and emotions.
The Teenage Obsession
Think back to school crushes. Maybe you had a fleeting exchange in the lunch queue—one look, one word—and then went home and spun an entire story of them being your future girlfriend or boyfriend. You pined for someone who might not have even known you existed, but in your head, that tiny moment meant everything.
That is classic limerence. While it’s common in teenagers and people in their twenties, it isn’t limited to them. Limerence shows up at any age—even in people in their 50s and 60s—sometimes with devastating consequences. People can be heartbroken, manipulated, or even conned when someone leverages another’s limerence.
Hope and Uncertainty
A huge part of limerence comes from the way we interpret events—whether or not they really happened. If someone’s actions, words, or even silence feel like reciprocation, it can light the fuse for full-blown limerence.
Dorothy Tennov, in her book Love and Limerence, explains that even silence can be misread as proof of feelings. For example: “They must like me because they avoid me. They must be nervous around me too.”
Building Stories in Our Heads
Limerence often means inventing reasons for someone’s hot-and-cold behavior. For instance, someone may think, “We had such a great time together. They must be distant now because they’re avoidant, not because they don’t care.” This story allows hope to survive—even when reality suggests otherwise.
Rooted in Reality—Even If Delusional
According to Tennov, limerence is always rooted in reality, even if that reality is distorted. It’s not a pure fantasy. Somewhere in the mind, the idea remains: “This could happen.” That tiny possibility fuels the obsession.
She even gives the example of a young woman who became limerent for Paul McCartney. Though she had never met him, she imagined realistic scenarios where they might connect. To outsiders it seemed delusional, but in her mind it was never strictly impossible.
The Role of Uncertainty
Limerence requires two key ingredients: hope and uncertainty. Hope keeps the obsession alive, but uncertainty threatens it—making every small interaction feel high-stakes.
For example, last week someone smiled at you and it felt like a sign. This week they’re cold, and now you’re questioning everything. That tension between hope and doubt creates the addictive pull of limerence.
Early Stages
Limerence often begins in subtle moments—a stranger glancing in your direction, someone avoiding eye contact, or a fleeting conversation. Hope says, “Maybe they like me.” Uncertainty whispers, “But I’m not sure.”
This delicate mix is what can evolve into full-blown obsession.
Anxious Attachment and Limerence
Limerence is not limited to people with trauma, but if you have an anxious attachment style, you are more vulnerable. Anxiously attached people are often drawn to avoidant partners, creating the classic “anxious–avoidant trap.”
The Anxious–Avoidant Trap
Anxious attachment often develops from inconsistent caregiving in childhood—when love and attention were given unpredictably. This creates a deep need to earn love. As adults, anxiously attached people may be drawn to avoidant partners, who sometimes offer affection and sometimes withdraw it.
That cycle of hope and disappointment is intoxicating. The inconsistency fuels the same dopamine-driven reinforcement that makes limerence so powerful. For the anxious partner, every moment of hope feels like a jackpot, while every withdrawal deepens the longing.
Unmet Needs for Safety
The pattern of hope mixed with uncertainty mirrors old wounds. It awakens the unmet need for safety and belonging. Dorothy Tennov even described how people can live in a constant state of longing for love—sometimes without attaching that longing to anyone specific yet.
In this stage, limerence can be spread across multiple “limerent objects.” But once a person shows even a hint of reciprocation, all attention narrows to them. Suddenly, it becomes an exclusive fixation.
Exclusivity of Focus
One defining feature of limerence is that it excludes everyone else. At first, there may be several people in the “race.” But when one person offers even the smallest sign of interest, the fixation fuses entirely on them. Other options disappear from view. The person becomes the only one that matters.
“I Never Feel This Way” — The Mind Trick
Many people say, “I never feel this way about anyone, and that’s why I can’t get over them.” What they often miss is that the intensity is not proof of compatibility—it’s a product of hope and uncertainty.
If the person were consistent and communicative, those heightened feelings would fade into a healthier connection. Limerence thrives when things are uncertain—when someone is hot and cold, unavailable, or inconsistent. The obsession is fueled precisely because things are not going smoothly.
Healthy Relationships vs. Limerence
In a healthy relationship, limerence naturally fades. It gets replaced by connection, trust, and commitment. But in situations where someone never feels safe or secure, limerence can linger—even inside a relationship. That’s why some people spend years feeling like they’re always trying to “win” love, even from a committed partner.
Crystallization, Not Idealization
Dorothy Tennov described a key feature of limerence as crystallization. Unlike idealization—where we project a fantasy onto someone—crystallization takes real qualities the person has and exaggerates them to an extreme.
You may see their flaws, but you decide they don’t matter. Meanwhile, their positive traits are amplified to godlike proportions. Friends and family may look on in disbelief, unable to understand why you see this person as flawless when their negative traits are plain to everyone else.
Looking Back With Clarity
Only in hindsight do many people realize how distorted their thinking was. At the time, the crystallization process made them believe the person was the one who could make them truly happy. Later, they wonder: “What drug was I on that I thought this person was my forever?”
The Addictive Cycle of Limerence
Limerence functions much like an addiction. The mix of hope and uncertainty is the same cocktail that keeps gamblers hooked. You don’t know if you’ll win, but the possibility that you might keeps you invested. Every small sign of reciprocation feels like hitting the jackpot.
Why Reciprocation Can End It
Two things can kill limerence quickly: declaring your feelings too soon or receiving reciprocation too quickly. If you confess your feelings and the other person rejects you, hope disappears and the limerence collapses. But if they reciprocate too soon, the uncertainty vanishes. Without uncertainty, the obsessive cycle loses fuel.
When Fantasy Fades Into Reality
Limerence is sustained by imagining possibilities, ruminating on every interaction, and investing mental energy into “what could be.” When reciprocation arrives, reality replaces fantasy. You may still have a relationship, but it will not feel like limerence anymore—it will simply be love or attraction without the obsessive component.
Limerence Inside Relationships
Some people remain limerent within relationships, especially if they never feel fully secure. If they idolize their partner or fear abandonment, the cocktail of hope and uncertainty continues. In these cases, limerence can stretch on for years, fueled by insecurity and the constant need to confirm love.
When Compatibility Doesn’t Matter
One of the most painful truths about limerence is that it doesn’t require compatibility. People throw years of their lives into relationships that could never make them happy, because limerence blinds them to the mismatch.
If the person leads them on or offers just enough hope, they can become trapped in a cycle of obsession, despite the lack of true alignment in values, lifestyle, or long-term goals.
The Strange Gift of Rejection
In some cases, rejection is a blessing. When someone cuts off all hope with a hard “no,” the limerence cannot survive. Painful as it feels in the moment, this spares a person from wasting years on a relationship that was never viable.
By contrast, the most dangerous limerent situations are those where there is never a clear rejection. When the door remains slightly open, limerence can persist indefinitely, feeding on the uncertainty.
Loyalty to Old Feelings
It’s worth noting that not every lingering attachment is limerence. You may genuinely love someone you were with for years and continue to feel affection long after the breakup. That’s more akin to grief than limerence, because it lacks the ongoing cocktail of hope and uncertainty. True limerence demands both.
How to Tell It’s More Than a Crush
So what separates limerence from an ordinary crush? Dorothy Tennov outlined several defining signs:
1. Obsessive Thoughts
With a crush, you might feel butterflies when you see the person. With limerence, you experience constant, intrusive thoughts you can’t control. The person dominates your mind whether you’re with them or not.
2. Crystallization
You exaggerate their good qualities to the extreme and dismiss their flaws. Even when you see their negative traits, you convince yourself they don’t matter. This is not just idealization—it’s crystallization.
3. Emotional Dependency
Your mood depends on perceived signs of reciprocation. A glance, a text, or a smile sends you soaring. Silence or withdrawal leaves you tortured. It’s not actual love or commitment that sustains you—it’s the belief that they might feel something back.
4. Exclusive Focus
Another hallmark is the inability to feel limerence for more than one person at a time. Once your fixation locks onto someone, no one else matters. Others could be attractive, kind, or interested, but you remain blind to them.
5. Fantasy as Relief
Even vivid imagination can provide temporary relief. You may fantasize about the person showing up at your door or confessing their feelings in the rain. These imagined scenarios offer fleeting comfort in the absence of real reciprocation.
Personal Experiences of Limerence
Many people can relate to the feeling of setting their sights on someone for little or no reason, then becoming consumed by the intensity. Often it’s chalked up to being “picky” or “passionate,” but in reality, it reflects the searching, longing nature of limerence.
Celebrity Obsessions
Limerence can even extend to people we don’t know personally. Think of teenage celebrity crushes—dreaming of meeting Britney Spears, writing her letters, imagining a friendship or connection that could change everything. Though unrealistic, the obsession still carries all the same components of limerence: hope, uncertainty, and deep emotional investment.
The Sacredness of Limerence
Interestingly, the ultimate climax of limerence is not sexual union but emotional commitment. Sex may play a role, but it’s often seen as sacred, even untouchable. Many limerent people don’t fantasize crudely about the object of their obsession. Instead, they long for emotional recognition, intimacy, or the sense of being truly seen.
This is why limerent fantasies are often about declarations of love, moments of connection, or the idea of finally being chosen. The obsession centers less on lust and more on emotional fulfillment.
How Limerence Ends
Limerence can fade, but the way it ends is often telling. Too early a declaration of feelings—or too early a reciprocation—can kill it. If you confess too soon and are rejected, hope vanishes. If you confess and the person reciprocates immediately, uncertainty disappears. In both cases, the obsessive cycle loses its power.
The Sobering Power of Reality
Being with someone can be too sobering for limerence to survive. The fantasy collapses once reality sets in. You may go on to have a real relationship, but it will no longer feel like limerence—it becomes love, attraction, or commitment without the obsessive highs and lows.
Limerence That Never Dies
The most dangerous limerent situations are the ones without closure. When someone never fully rejects you but never fully commits either, limerence can live on indefinitely. The door is left open just enough for hope and uncertainty to keep feeding the obsession.
When Compatibility Is Ignored
This is why limerence is so destructive. It blinds people to incompatibility and traps them in years-long cycles of longing. Many throw away precious time in pursuit of someone who could never truly make them happy, simply because the limerent bond is so intoxicating.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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