We all want a sense of acceptance, a feeling that we belong. Mental illness makes that difficult.
A diagnosis of depression. My career gone as a result. A mental breakdown. Not my best week.
It took four years to recognize that I could get healthy. Those years were spent with my family, going to weekly therapy, and hoping for relief. Some long days and nights but with moments of inspiration. The darkness slowly faded.
By the autumn of 2007, my life was showing some promise. I wasn’t completely healthy, but I knew I was fortunate in that I was on a healthy path. My lack of self-confidence had to be addressed.
I had this deep need to explain what had happened in my life. Few of my friends still talked to me. The stigma was so pervasive. If I had had a diagnosis of cancer, there would have been a queue after work each day to visit me. Mental illness, people stayed clear.
Acceptance by someone would have been so welcome. I craved for that acknowledgement.
I was hurt, angry, devastated. I didn’t leave the house for the next two months. Acceptance still escaped me.
|
One day, I went for groceries, a huge step, one to be celebrated. I was walking through the produce section and saw a dear friend walking towards me. I was so happy to see her, my heart raced, a bit anxious. She always hugged me when we met. I thought that finally someone was going to be good to me. She was about ten feet away when she noticed me. She stopped. I looked, our eyes connected. She turned on her heel and left me. I was hurt, angry, devastated. I didn’t leave the house for the next two months. Acceptance still escaped me.
I wanted people to accept that I had a mental illness and thus accept me as a person. With such low self-confidence and self-worth, I looked for the endorsement of others.
She opened her heart to me, even with all the hurt I had caused her. The tears flowed, mainly mine.
|
A former girlfriend, who was a superstar to me, emailed me years after my breakdown. We were a couple when my life came undone. Though I treated her terribly, I did not at the time understand why. I was rather thick headed about the symptoms, not knowing I had depression.
I had a presentation for the Nova Scotia Barristers’ Society on Mental Health in the Workplace and we agreed to meet after. To be honest I was more nervous about seeing her than doing my speech. I hadn’t seen her in seven years. She was the one who got away, taken by my mental illness.
I saw a car enter the parking lot and I knew it was her. I waited to greet her, my heart skipping. We hugged, took a few deep breaths.
We chatted as we got our drinks. Taking a seat, I knew what I wanted to say. I had waited years for this opportunity, never thinking it would ever happen.
I collected myself, wasn’t easy to do. I apologized for my poor behavior. She was so gracious, saying there was no need. She knew it was caused by my depression. She opened her heart to me, even with all the hurt I had caused her. The tears flowed, mainly mine. My depression was acknowledged. My behavior was understood. I was accepted.
I didn’t need validation by others. I needed my own. I had to realize that I was a full person, that I was worthy to feel good about myself.
|
Her kindness and empathy gave me such confidence. I started to look at myself from a somewhat different perspective. I am a good person.
I didn’t need validation by others. I needed my own. I had to realize that I was a full person, that I was worthy to feel good about myself. This has been one of the toughest parts about recovery and addressing my past. I still struggle at times with a lack of self-confidence and self-worth.
I want to be relevant to myself first. I want to feel proud about what I have done in my life. There have been some wrong choices having nothing to do with my depression. We all have made them.
I have come to accept how depression had a devastating impact and how it influenced my behavior. I get it now.
With that knowledge I can now move forward. I embrace my past. I enjoy the present. I welcome my future.
We were born before the wind
Also younger than the sun
Ere the bonnie boat was won as we sailed into the mystic
Hark, now hear the sailors cry
Smell the sea and feel the sky
Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic — Van Morrison – Into the Mystic
Photo: Getty Images
At 68 yrs. old , I have spent 48 yrs. of masking behaviors and challenging my body every way possible physically. Now with many artificial body parts and many restrictions on the work and activities that I have spent a lifetime doing I have no choice but to face my demons of denial. How very frightening is facing my long ago past, two failed marriages and a third being strained to the maximum. At times death seems to be the logical escape, however I want not to escape this mess, but to get beyond the ghosts of my past. Your… Read more »
Hi Larry…looking at our past can be very unsettling . I understand what you are saying. I try to look ahead, keeping hope. For years, all I had was hope. In time, my life improved, slowly, taking baby steps. Life is good now, even wonderful at times. I wish you well, its never too late to have a life worth living.
Dear Larry:
Sooner or later, many of us had to look at our past in order to get some peace of mind. It is hard to face our past, absolutely,; however, I find that it is less stressful on the brain when you get some peace from dealing with what was mentally hurting you for years.
Thank you so much, Keith, for this very touching and timely article. Just recently, a childhood friend that I have not met or heard about for ages was able to reunite with me via Facebook. He was a shy kid then, but as soon as we chatted in FB, I learned that his mom just died, and he confessed that he had a big crush on me when we were teenagers but was too shy to let me know. I was aware of the latter, then, but I only ignored it. Though, only a kid, I already knew that something… Read more »
Hi Jennifer, I thank you for your comment. I think it took a lot for your friend to each out to you. The darkness and loneliness of depression can be all consuming. I have written a lot about my journey, it can be found at my website, http://www.worthliving.co Maybe some of that will assist you. I commend you for wanting to learn more. I found some useful information online, one source was the Canadian Mental Health Association, http://www.cmha.ca Please let me know, if I can help more . Thanks again
Thank you Keith for your openness and vulnerability. Your honesty gives me hope and strength on my own journey and battle with depression.
Hi Sean, thanks for your encouraging words. Please keep that hope, though it may be dark at times. I came from a very dark and lonely place to where I am today. I am now healthy and still hopeful.
Great article, it frames my experience with PTSD perfectly. All the time I never felt depression, yet everyone else figured I was. An adjective is never needed to describe our experience. What matters is the compassion and understanding over judgement and negative comments.
Hi John, thanks for your kind words. Yes, we all need to be understood as people who have an illness. We are not our illness. Be well