My friend Ben called me the other day, but we will get to that shortly. First a little backstory: Ben has been dating Betsy for about 8 months (and has been actively “wife shopping” for the past 3 years). Ben is extremely picky — and has admitted that he has ditched girlfriends in the past for superficial reasons — but he actively sees a future with Betsy and had some major concerns after a recent vacation.
You see, Ben wants to be a father. He wants to get married to his person and start a family — ideally within the next three to five years. When he was writing his online dating profile, I encouraged him to be upfront about his goals to filter out anyone who wasn’t also actively searching for their future spouse and co-parent.
Ben also has a history of ignoring women’s stated goals and values in their online profiles if is attracted to them (case in point: his past three significant others actively did NOT want children and instead of wishing them well and sending them on their way so he could find someone who wanted what he wanted, he dated them for months (into years).
When Ben met Betsy, he had stars in his eyes. On paper — and in reality — they match up in many ways. They’re both outdoorsy; they share a similar sense of humor; if you asked them how they’d spend their ideal weekend, they’d have similar answers. But when they began their courtship, around date three, Ben asked Betsy if she wanted children and he told her he definitely did. Betsy replied that she was “maybe open to it, with the right person,” and Ben let the topic drop.
Recently they went camping and while they were paddleboarding, the topic of children came up again, for only the second time since they met. Betsy pulled back and said she wasn’t sure she wanted kids, and when Ben probed her about it, she shut down completely.
The rest of their camping trip was full of awkward silences and when they returned to town, Betsy and Ben agreed to take some space so she could clear her head.
This is when Ben called me. He told me that he’s in love with Betsy (and it’s been years since he’s been in love) and he felt like their relationship was probably over, but he was also concerned about the fact that it seemed they couldn’t have any conversation that wasn’t in total agreement. He said that she shuts down completely when there is any conflict or discord (and knowing Ben and how practical and level-headed he is, I am almost certain the conversation was not heated or accusatory but remained calm.)
While someone shutting down during serious conversations isn’t a great sign for the future (I know, because that’s what I did at the end of my previous marriage), there are some navigable ways through, which I shared with Ben.
Figure out the other person’s attachment style
Here’s why it’s helpful: Someone with a dismissive attachment style would just as soon run as work through things and this will be a lot harder to navigate. Someone secure likely won’t shut down during respectful conversations. But someone with an anxious attachment style (which I suspect may be Betsy) might feel as if any discord is the precursor to big pain (such as a breakup, or an escalating violent fight.) Shutting down is an attempt to dissociate or distance themselves from what they assume is impending agony. If you can determine their attachment style, it can help you tailor the conversation more constructively.
I told Ben that if Betsy truly has an anxious attachment, he might preface any major conversation by saying, “I love you, and there’s something big weighing on my mind that I’d like to work through with you to have a more harmonious relationship. Is now a good time to talk about it?”
This could ease her mind that he’s not “picking a fight” to have an excuse to break up with her and could reassure her that despite her past experiences, not every “conflict” amounts to a breakup.
Things to remember
It’s “Us against the issue” vs “Me against you.”
If Ben can remind Betsy that he cares about her and wants to make sure she is heard, and that she understands that he’s not picking a fight because he enjoys watching her squirm may also help. Presenting any issue as something for the team to solve together is vital, as is conveying a desire for harmony and happiness in the relationship instead of blaming one another or a commitment to “being right” or “winning the argument.” (Note: this is where I see many couples go haywire. Once it derails into “me vs you and I want to win at all costs,” it’s extremely difficult to get back on the right track.)
Another thing that may help Ben and Betsy tackle disagreements (or differences in opinions, and talk through any issues that may arise) is if they can stay focused on the issue, rather than bringing up past arguments, or getting defensive and firing counter strikes. I know another couple who has conflict often, and every time they do, arguments and “misdeeds” from the past 15 years get thrown around to shame or control one another, or gain the upper hand in the relationship. This doesn’t lead to understanding or conflict resolution between them, and instead inhibits trust and love between them.
Stay calm and level (or take a break if you can’t.) Sometimes a short timeout — like what Ben and Betsy agreed to — can put a pause in the conflict and allow time for heightened emotions to settle down and for rational thought to reemerge.
In Ben and Betsy’s case: the time away from one another gave them both clarity. Betsy went back to therapy and worked through lingering traumas. She realized that she did indeed see a future with Ben and appreciated his calmness. She admitted that her dysfunctional and unstable childhood was largely why she had been resistant to the idea of having children, but that she had come so far since then, and could see tackling the future with Ben at her side. She told him that she loves him and appreciates that he gave her space to figure out how she felt and process things, and they are continuing to build on their love.
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Ultimately, what helps relationships flourish is a commitment from both parties that the relationship is more important to them than any issues that may arise. While having the same values and long-term goals are perhaps the two most important things to building a solid foundation in any relationship, if both people are willing to work through any potential conflict respectfully and together, they can solidify the idea that they are partners and allow love to grow.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
