Love, in its idealized form, is often depicted as a singular pursuit—a relentless chase for “the one,” the soulmate who is preordained to complete us. This notion, deeply embedded in literature, philosophy, and modern culture, romanticizes the idea of love as a destination rather than an evolving experience. However, a more profound understanding of love acknowledges that it is not simply about pursuit, but about presence—about commitment, effort, trust, and kindness. Love, rather than a serendipitous discovery, is an intentional act. It’s real.
The Philosophy of Love: Between Plato and Kierkegaard
Plato’s Symposium offers one of the earliest conceptions of the soulmate ideal. The philosopher Aristophanes, in his speech, describes humans as originally being spherical beings with two faces, four arms, and four legs. Zeus, fearing their power, split them in half, leaving each individual to wander the earth searching for their lost counterpart. This myth instils the idea that love is about finding someone who “completes” us, reinforcing the notion that fulfilment lies in another.
Yet, Søren Kierkegaard, the 19th-century Danish philosopher, presents a different perspective in Either/Or. He argues that love is not about external completion but an inward commitment—a choice that transcends fleeting emotions. He contrasts aesthetic love, which thrives on passion and novelty, with ethical love, which is rooted in commitment, patience, and moral responsibility. Kierkegaard’s view suggests that love is not something we passively find but something we actively build.
Another philosophical perspective comes from Jean-Paul Sartre, who argued that love involves a complex negotiation of freedom and dependence. In Being and Nothingness, Sartre posits that true love requires accepting the other as an autonomous being rather than an extension of oneself. He warns against transforming love into a form of existential dependency and difficulty. The implication here is that true love is not about “having” another person but about fostering a relationship where both partners remain committed, whole, and independent.
Love as a Lifelong Effort
Literature has long grappled with the tension between idealized love and the reality of relationships. In Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights, the love between Heathcliff and Catherine is tempestuous and consuming, embodying the archetype of passion-driven pursuit. Yet, their love is ultimately destructive, leading not to fulfillment but to ruin.
Contrast this with Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, where Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy’s love grows through mutual respect and transformation. Darcy, initially proud and reserved, learns humility, while Elizabeth overcomes her prejudices. Their love story is not about an immediate and magical recognition of “the one” but about conscious evolution and effort—a theme Austen masterfully crafts to highlight the importance of commitment over one-sided interest, expectations and mere attraction.
A more modern literary example comes from Gabriel García Márquez’s Love in the Time of Cholera, where Florentino Ariza waits decades for Fermina Daza. Unlike the youthful passion found in other novels, Márquez presents love as something that evolves with time, shaped by circumstances, choices, and personal growth. The novel ultimately suggests that love is less about destiny and more about persistence and readiness at the right moment in life.
Erich Fromm, in The Art of Loving, expands on this notion by asserting that love is not a passive emotion but an active practice. “Love is an act of will,” he writes. “If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever,” Fromm emphasizes that true love requires discipline, effort, and self-awareness. It is not merely about the exhilaration of finding someone, but about the daily decision to nurture and sustain a bond.
This perspective aligns with the idea that we are our longest commitment. Before we can truly engage in a healthy relationship, we must cultivate a profound relationship with ourselves. Self-awareness, emotional maturity, and personal growth form the foundation upon which meaningful relationships are built.
The Reality of Love: Accepting and Moving Forward
Many build connections with an idealized notion of permanence, believing that bond should be effortless if it is “meant to be.” However, reality often diverges from this expectation. Relationships require work, and not all are destined to last forever without mutual efforts. Sometimes, despite effort, two people grow in different directions. The ability to accept this reality, rather than clinging to an illusion of permanence, is a mark of emotional wisdom.
The Japanese concept of mono no aware—the awareness of impermanence and the beauty of fleeting moments—captures this idea well. It reminds us that love, like all things, has an ebb and flow, a battle of belonging, and sometimes its manifestation is in letting go with grace.
Psychologist Esther Perel explores this theme in Mating in Captivity, arguing that modern love struggles because of conflicting desires for security and passion. She posits that long-term relationships require a balance between intimacy and autonomy. The healthiest relationships are those in which partners respect each other’s individual growth while maintaining a chemistry of deep emotional connection.
A Candid Transfer of Energy: Love’s Lifelong Impact
Every person we connect with leaves an imprint on our lives. Psychologist John Bowlby, in his attachment theory, explains that human bonds shape our emotional frameworks, influencing how we engage with future relationships. The love we experience—whether enduring or transient—contributes to our emotional landscape, teaching us lessons that resonate beyond the human connection itself.
This aligns with the concept of ubuntu, a Southern African philosophy that emphasizes interconnectedness: “I am because we are.” Love, in this sense, is not confined to romantic permanence but extends to the collective human experience. Every connection, every act of kindness, and every moment of vulnerability contributes to the ongoing exchange of energy between people, creating a lifelong impact.
In an age of digital connectivity and instant gratification, love faces new challenges. The paradox of choice, as described by psychologist Barry Schwartz, suggests that having too many romantic options can lead to dissatisfaction and perpetual searching. Many people chase an ideal, never committing to the reality of love in the present moment.
Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk, offers a remedy in his teachings on mindfulness. He suggests that being fully present with one’s partner—listening deeply, understanding their needs, and practising compassion—cultivates a deeper and more fulfilling love. This echoes the idea that love is not about finding perfection but about appreciating the beauty of imperfection.
Redefining Love Beyond the Pursuit of a ‘Soulmate’
Love is not merely about finding the one person destined to complete us. It is about the daily acts of commitment, trust, and kindness that sustain relationships. It is about recognizing that while we may meet many people with whom we share deep connections, the most enduring relationship we have is with ourselves and a few who support us to be better.
By embracing love as an evolving journey rather than a fixed destination, we free ourselves from pressures and instead focus on cultivating meaningful, authentic connections. In the words of Rainer Maria Rilke: “Love consists of this: two solitudes that protect and border and greet each other.” It is in this delicate balance—between togetherness and individuality, between effort and acceptance—that love finds its truest expression.
—
This Post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock
