Love on Autopilot Isn’t Living

Boredom can often be consequential for long-term relationships and marriages, especially if it goes overlooked and ignored for too long, according to a study from the University of Michigan. Especially if it lingers and transforms into emotional disengagement and a lack of effort, something experts coin the “point of no return” in relationships, it can even lead to separations and betrayals that not even conflicts provoke.

While most of the symptoms of marital boredom are subtle and easily overlooked at first, there are certain obvious signs almost everything about your marriage is boring you, but you stay because you feel obligated. The more self-aware and intentional you are about acknowledging these signs, the more informed your decisions will be about the next step, whether that’s actively saving or leaving the marriage.

Here are 5 obvious signs almost everything about your marriage is boring you, but you stay because you feel obligated

1. You feel more like roommates than partners

From having overly logistical conversations without any quality time for connection to living entirely different routines every single day, partners who feel more like roommates than marital couples may experience higher rates of boredom and disconnection.

Of course, as psychologist Silvana Mici explains, for some couples, this transitional period of feeling like roommates is actually natural. However, if it lingers for too long and starts to sabotage intimacy and connection, it can quickly become a red flag in your relationship.

2. You scroll on your phone as a distraction

Scrolling on a phone to distract yourself from interactions with a partner is one of the obvious signs that everything about your marriage is boring you. Instead of having conversations, going on dates, or even spending quality time in the same room, you’d prefer to stick around out of obligation and use your phone as a buffer against discomfort.

While it might seem like a harmless way to seek comfort and entertainment when you’re feeling bored in your marriage, a study from Scientific Reports found that the mere presence of a phone can be consequential for bonding in relationships. It’s not always convenient or comfortable to overcome hurdles to engage in more thoughtful interactions with a partner, but if you ignore the need for vulnerability and intimacy forever, your relationship will never change.

3. You dread quality time

Whether it’s getting anxious in uncomfortable ways about date nights with a partner or even actively avoiding quality time together after work, dreading conversations and interactions with a partner may be obvious signs that everything about your marriage is boring you, but you stay because you feel obligated. You’re likely feeling obligated to show up and participate in the marriage, but the added layer of intimacy, choice, and love is lacking.

While romantic love isn’t everything in a relationship, it’s certainly important. Before it, though, is respect, and if you’re overlooking quality time and dreading a hard conversation with a partner, you’re not offering them or yourself the dignity you deserve.

4. Physical affection and intimacy feel forced

Marriages that feel like a convenience often lack intimacy, quality connection, and companionship, because they’re simply there out of ease and comfort. So, it’s no surprise that partners in these relationships feel bored all the time, because the marriage feels like an obligation to tolerate rather than a shifting dynamic that’s willing to change and grow.

Even if they’re not the main pillar of every relationship, physical affection and intimacy are necessary for a partner’s well-being and general happiness. If they feel forced, chances are there’s a greater sense of resentment or disconnection that needs to be addressed.

5. You feel guilty for expressing concerns

According to a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, partners who feel underbenefited from relationships and are holding onto a sense of guilt around the connection are more likely to experience poor marital satisfaction. The healthiest, happiest couples address those complex feelings directly, instead of letting them fester.

However, if you’re feeling bored in your marriage, maybe these complex emotions feel better than numbness or boredom. If this feels like you, holding back concerns out of guilt and leaning on a draining kind of obligation as a justification for avoidance, it might be time to have the hard conversation. It’s not just for the health of your marriage, but for your personal health and well-being in the future.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.