Low Libido and Ice Cream

Marriedrat explained withholding sex by a low-libido spouse in a way that I could finally understand. It involved ice cream. How appropriate.

“I have young kids, and let’s say I take one out and she wants an ice cream cone. I say no — she’s been eating junk food all day, and enough is enough. She doesn’t need the ice cream. She won’t agree — not getting it will devastate her day. She will cry, scream, and be pretty upset over not getting it. I know she’s upset, and I think she doesn’t need the ice cream. I feel that I’m right, so she just has to learn to get over it. We went to the playground before, and we are going somewhere fun afterwards. In the grand scheme of things, the ice cream isn’t important.”

I would argue that ice cream was ALWAYS important.

He continued, “For low libido partners, I feel like sex is the ice cream and we are the crying children. We can tell them how much it hurts us, cry, and be depressed and upset over it…but from their point of view, it just is NOT important. And, they are right, so it’s just up to us to deal with it. I doubt they feel like they are withholding intimacy or even doing anything wrong — rather, they are correct and we are the ones crying over ice cream.”

It was power and control. My husband watched endless amounts of television. If I canceled the Netflix subscription because I didn’t use it, he would go ballistic. In my humble opinion, it was a horrifically selfish mindset to withhold something that caused your partner pain.

We went out for ice cream one warm summer evening, me and my husband. I always ordered two scoops. He usually ordered one.

“You glutton,” he joked.
“You are just jealous. You could have ordered two scoops, too.”
“I can control myself.”

Yeah, you control yourself admirably. I can’t believe you found a way to ruin ice cream. Way to go. Make me feel not an ounce of guilt for cheating on you, whatsoever.

As a parent, if I said no to the ice cream, I would hold my kid while they cried and tell them I understood and that there would be ice cream again, just not now. Wants are wants. Needs are needs. I would never withhold love or cuddles from my child.

Withholding cuddles from your kids was one thing. Withholding cuddles, affection and sex from your spouse was another. They were both spiteful. But the latter was a game changer.

Marriedrat continued, “Imagine being held underwater and begging your significant other to help you get air, and they will not. Sex is the ONE thing we are locked away from with anyone else — and yet our spouse, who claims to love us, holds it away from us. How do you expect this not to be harmful?”

Sex was like air. The low libido spouse was denying a need. It wasn’t a physical want or desire.

It wasn’t optional.

When people loved each other, they gave each other what they needed. Right? Not from what I could tell. That option had evaporated. I’ve read that good sex made ten percent of the relationship, whereas bad sex took up ninety percent. I would revise that upwards. I was suffocating from a lack of air. It wasn’t just sex in my case; it’s any normal show of affection. No hugging, no kissing, no cuddling.

I was married on paper only.

“Don’t” was the most common word from my husband. Or “stop it” or “no.” All these negatives didn’t add up to a positive. He thwarted me at every turn. Crossing his arms in front of his chest and glaring at me accusingly. The body language alone left no room for negotiation.

To me, affection wasn’t an indulgence. It wasn’t ice cream. Now, I was craving ice cream…and not vanilla.

Never vanilla.

And what kind of ice cream is your favorite? Mine would be the most indulgent — the cookiest, chocolatiest, fudgiest, nuttiest, carameliest one they have. I don’t do plain. Or vanilla — that shit is not worth the calories. I want loaded to the brim flavors. An ice cream extravaganza. Or as my stingy ex would say, “Of course, you want it all.”

WHY YES, I DO.

Do you think ice cream flavor indicates something to do with your personality? I do. Tell me in the comments.