I am curious about you
Human beings are social animals.
We instinctively will ask where someone is from not just because we are horrible bigots, but because we immediately seek to know what we share in common.
We find that people like to create sets. We all belong to several sets, but we always seek to find something more specific.
Here is an entirely made-up conversation by one stranger introduced to another because they notice someone studying a coin.
“Oh, I used to collect coins, too. And I enjoy looking for a good onion soup, reading E.O. Wilson, love good cotton oxford shirts. I enjoy Karaoke competitions, playing poker, amateur archeology, and of course, spelunking about searching for crystals in geode caves. Have you been to the Rock Ranch in Oregon? Yeah, I love that place, too.”
Not all of these topics are going to come up in a first meeting, but the idea that we all want to find every common ground is very real. It’s very human.
One of the first things we notice about another person is how we perceive their gender. From there we often make assumptions about their sexuality. We even think we may know their political stance and hidden “agenda.”
This is where things can go either left, or right, but often, they just go south.
We are all individuals
At the same time, each of us unconsciously gathers reinforcement about our own identity. We seek self-congruence because we have to live in a world that loves categorization.
It is a wise person who seeks to know thyself, after all.
In our own individuation, our mind seeks congruence. People who meet you, whether consciously, or not, also seek to have some certainty. People like boundaries, limits, and definitions to conform to everything they have already learned in life.
This is a matter of implicit bias and other cognitive tool sets. Both biology and programmed socialization take no days off.
And neither in the case of biology or sociology, are things set in stone. The greatest lesson of nature is that change and diversity are always in flow.
It is easy to see that both sex and gender are on a spectrum, but it is not always easy to behave as if we know it. There are many people who think our human sexuality is tied up with sexual morality, and for most cultures, they even see gender roles as divinely ordained, and so are socially enforced.
Not everyone insists on binary rules
Rules and roles are often discussed as being social constructs. There most definitely are ideas about roles that we have all around us even if our parents paint the baby nursery, green, or yellow, instead of blue, or pink.
Presently, there is no way to avoid our very avid and sometimes adversarial obsessions with gender reveal parties, sparkles and fairy princesses for girls, and/or toy guns, action heroes, and smash-able cars and trucks for boys.
Nevertheless, a quick geographical tour and look into the past shows us that people are not all one way, everywhere, all the time.
India, Nepal, Pakistan, and Bangladesh are nations that recognize non-binary-gendered people. However, although you may legally be realized to be a woman, the Hijra as they are known, are almost always assigned as male at birth.
This leaves out a great many people, notably those born women who identify as males.
To many, the Hijra are considered to be cross-dressing women, not men. There are also non-conforming people recognized in Indonesia, and the Americas, called “Two-spirits.”
Just be aware that our brains make mental shortcuts. Then, just treat people with respect and compassion.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Cinematic Imagery on Unsplash