Sami Holden helps sort out what to do when online dating leads to burnout.
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Dear Sami,
Why do all the dating site commercials lie? OKCupid, Tinder, eHarmony, and Match (for instance) have all failed me with their claims. Do I live in an area with limited options? Are my standards too high? Did I wait too long and now all the good ones are taken?
Signed,
Frustrated with Online Options
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Dear Frustrated with Online Options,
When I was nineteen, I was about to graduate from college. I signed up for eHarmony because I thought I’d be forever alone. I never went on a single date because I just liked knowing that people were out there for maybe someday when I would have enough confidence to try the dating thing for real. There was an attractive man who seemed to really take interest in me. After my sleuthing skills, I realized he was married. However, he was also a good musician. I cut off contact with him and downloaded a few of his songs to my iPod instead. I’m not a professional. I’m just trying to figure this all out too.
I can say almost exclusively, except for two instances, all of my dates have come from online dating. I don’t think they’ve sold you with false claims. They are not trying to provide you with a soulmate or insta-spouse. The websites get you to interact with people who you may not have encountered in your day to day life. I think at least the initial basis of any dating scenario is attraction, and they definitely get to the brass tacks of sorting out who finds who good looking (or not). I don’t believe this to be shallow. We all like different things in life. Everyone’s version of “who is attractive” is going to be different.
A lot depends on what you are looking for. Are you looking for someone with naturally purple hair? Are you trying to find a Scarlett Johansson look-alike who also happens to be a chef and likes your favorite band? These are going to be much more challenging, but I wish you the sincerest of luck if that’s what you are going for. I tend to go for “smartsy” guys – they dabble in some respect in the arts field (writing, painting, music, etc.) but also tend to be super intelligent. Everyone has a type; it just determines how important every aspect of your type is as to whether you are pigeonholed by it. If the person is perfect, but doesn’t like your favorite band, is it really that big of a deal breaker? There are also people that if given the chance might pleasantly surprise by how much better in person they are versus on their profile. It can be easy to be head-over-heels for an online profile, but it’s really just a highly cultivated persona of a person. If you don’t frequently step beyond the website, give it a try. You may surprise yourself by who you meet.
There are definitely parts of the country that may conflict with your lifestyle. I live in an area where drinking a lot is very popular. I hardly ever drink. When I showed up to find an already inebriated individual sipping on beer number four during the daytime on a weekday for our first date, I knew there were going to be problems. If you’re a painter but your city has no arts scene or appreciation for it, there will be problems. If you live surrounded by senior communities and you’re in your twenties, unless you want to date a much more mature individual, this could provide some dating hiccups. I’d like to think I’d do very well in North Carolina. I like it there. My favorite band is from there. There are mountains and I own a banjo. However, I live where I live and there are great men here too…they’ll just have to adapt to how my interests may be a bit more unusual than others around me. Maybe whatever your difference is can work in your favor. It will make you stand out from all of the other men around you.
You haven’t waited too long or run out of options. Do you know how many people live in this world? A lot! I could look for some sort of statistic, but I think you get the point. (Although it could also just seem that way to me when I run out to the mall to get one thing, and that turns out to be the day that everyone decides to go to the mall. How dare they!) You have to ask yourself what you are looking for. Are you looking for someone to date now? Are you looking for a spouse? There is no time limit before you turn into some kind of single sad sap. Some people might not meet their person until they are into their forties or fifties. Some people may feel comfortable being the eternal bachelor with a group of amazing friends they coordinate their life with. Sort out what it is you want from life. For me, my writing career is my focus in life. The right person, for me, will respect and understand the commitment I have towards that portion of my life. I could also just end up with a lot of dogs. I try not to predict the future.
The good news is that your dating options have not run out! There are plenty of people to meet, you just have to figure out how to connect with them. If online sites aren’t helping, try social mixers or even some of the newer online apps that are interest-specific. I can’t tell you if your standards are too high. Your standards are your standards. If that’s what it requires for you to be happy in a relationship, don’t settle. All the good ones aren’t taken. You just haven’t found your person yet. They’re probably out there somewhere wondering if they’ve waited too long too. Make sure you aren’t sabotaging yourself in the process by not at least trying to get out there a bit. If you’re feeling significant burnout from it all, it’s OK to take a short dating break. Sometimes it helps to get you energized about dating again. Don’t give up and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Sometimes it just requires stepping out of your comfort zone.
Here’s for better dating days ahead,
~Sami
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This post is republished on Medium.
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