How does a boy know he has become a man in a society where being a man means different things to different people?
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Attempting to prove our manhood is like trying to punch a hole in water. Many men are out in the world doing their best to prove their manhood to those whose insatiable appetite for more proof will never be quenched. Like truth, manhood has no universal operational definition, and still there continues to be conflicting burdens of proof required of men. How can something be proven when there is no universally agreed upon standard? How does a boy know he has become a man in a society where being a man means different things to different people? How do males in our society actualize manhood with standards that vary from person to person, home to home, community to community? I’ve known very gentle men who were told they were not real men because of their gentleness. I’ve known the strong and silent type of men who were told they’re not real men because they don’t express their emotions in a manner acceptable to some.
From a young age, men are bombarded with conflicting messages of manhood and even emasculated for adhering to a version of manhood that is right with their own heart, but is contrary to someone else’s version of manhood. Since manhood naturally evolves to fatherhood for many, let’s take the unconscious, outdated and dangerous burden of proof off of our men and future generations by understanding that manhood can only be proven within the consciousness of each individual man.
Within my work as a gang interventionist, prisoner reentry counselor, and fatherhood coach I have asked countless young and older men two questions that incite so much introspection that we have group and individual conversations about it for months.
The questions are: Where is manhood?
Is it in our pants, pockets, bank accounts, fists, titles, sexual exploits or material possessions? In the process of answering these questions, we unfold and unravel the societal burdens of proof that have been heaped upon men since they were children. And to the great credit of our men, they never cease to get to the answer. The answer is the very reason we exist and where all other answers reside. The answer is not a burden, it is light because it’s love. The answer is only seventeen inches away from the heavy, unfair and inconsistent burden of proof our men have carried for too long.
The answer is our hearts, the heart of manhood. When the burden of proof is revealed as the problem, not the solution, men feel a relief, and the seventeen inch walk from their heads to their hearts is once again seen as meaningful not meaningless. In taking the seventeen inch journey from the head to the heart, men realize that their manhood can never be threatened. In this journey our men remember their true callings. In this journey our society once again has more peacemakers, present husbands and fathers.
In this journey society has men who no longer carry a burden to prove anything, only a willingness to share the goodness that was in their hearts all along, but for a moment was hidden beneath a burden of proof that was never theirs to carry.