'Manipulative Women' and Scams

My readers know the importance of making women feel safe.

As a men’s dating coach, I constantly emphasize empathy. We must understand the danger that women face when trying to date men. We need to give women the space to feel safe in order for them to even be able to start feeling turned on.

However, no matter how rare the case, there are also women who can put men into unsafe situations. One reader wrote in to ask a question about such cases.

V writes:

Hi Michael,

I really appreciate the effort you took to write Never Lonely. I think many men will surely learn a thing or two, and these skills may actually help reduce sexual assault against women! The book covers much more than what a typical dating book covers IMO.

I have a question: How does one reduce the risk of getting into a situation with a manipulative woman? For example, I’ve read news reports of men getting conned by women out of hundreds of dollars on the first date. In worst cases, such scams become fatal. Other “scams” may include a woman who goes on a date with you just to get a free meal. How does one balance “game” (treating a woman with respect given they are more likely to have fear in interactions with men) and reducing the risk of getting into situations involving women who might take advantage of you?

Thanks,
V

Great question, V.

First of all, I’m happy to see that we are in agreement in what “game” should actually be (a respectful adaptation to the danger and challenges that women face when dating men):

Second, this may not apply to you, but it’s important to understand that a lot of men get the wrong idea about the kinds of scams and dangers you’re describing. Their social media feeds are all messed up from ragebait-fueled algorithms, giving them the impression that the world is chock full of scary women out to bite their heads off.

Those of us who actually go outside and talk to women in real life know that they generally aren’t like that at all.

There’s no need to live in fear. However, it’s also true that there are some dangers out there, and it’s better to be informed and prepared.

Let’s first address the most vulnerable group of men when it comes to this topic: seniors.

If you’re in my target demographic, you’re likely under 60 or 70 years old. However, I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about how prolific romance scams are, that seniors are scammed every day on dating websites and Facebook (I was going to say “social media sites” but let’s be real…it’s mostly Facebook).

No matter how young or old you are, you should be aware of how these online scammers operate:

They use beautiful profile pictures stolen from models.
They usually claim to be women in their 20s or 30s, targeting men much older.
They often use imperfect English grammar. Some say that this is intentional in order to filter out the more intelligent targets who are less likely to be tricked.
They follow a script that closely follows the psychological principle called the foot-in-the-door phenomenon: they will slowly ask more and more of you, starting with small requests that build up to larger and larger requests.

They won’t ask you for money right out the gate. They’ll first build rapport by getting to know you, effusively complimenting how you’re exactly the type of man they’re looking for.

They’ll then start talking about some made-up challenges they’re facing because they can’t afford something while hoping that you, their knight in shining armor, will come to the rescue.

Be wary of romance scammers.

What about other financial “scams?”

If a woman and man are out on a date and the woman expects the man to pay for dinner, that’s not necessarily a “scam.” That’s just traditional social scripts at work.

In most cases, I advise men to adhere to traditional social scripts at first:

At least at first.

However, if you go to certain cities like Las Vegas, you might encounter women trained in the art of rinsing men for all the money they’ve got. You might start the night happily paying a small bill, but you end up footing a multi-thousand dollar bill with no date in sight by the end.

There’s a really easy way to not fall for such scams: understand the foot-in-the-door phenomenon.

There’s inevitably an escalation of requests in every scam like this. You’ll feel less resistance to giving $10 if you already gave $5. And you’ll feel less resistance to giving $100 if you already gave $50.

You’ll be more sensitive to these escalations if you’ve learned to master the foot-in-the-door phenomenon for yourself. And you should master it not just to protect yourself, but to be better at dating women overall.

The process required to become physically intimate with a woman, for example, inherently uses the foot-in-the-door phenomenon. After all, it’s not like you can approach a random woman and kiss her out of the blue. You first need to get her to agree to a simple request like simply talking with you, then a request like sharing things about each other, then a request like exchanging some flirty compliments, and so on and so forth.

Of course, most of these “requests” aren’t direct verbal ones like, “Do you mind if we share some vulnerable things about each other?” but rather indirect tests of reciprocation, but the same foot-in-the-door principle still applies.

The more you’re used to the hands-on experience of flirting like this, the better you can recognize when such patterns of escalation are being used on you in other contexts (i.e. financially).

Women know I’m not a target.

These “manipulative” women and other such scammers know exactly the type of person to target: those who are nervous or desperate.

When I talk to women, I’m not nervous or desperate. I know what I want and I project clear intentions free from outcome-dependency.

It’s that simple.

Put yourself in the shoes of a scammer or anyone who’s trying to take advantage of someone. What kind of person are you most likely to target, and what kind of person are you least likely to target?

If you’re a woman trying to take advantage of a man’s financial generosity, or someone with other malicious goals, you’re more likely to successfully manipulate someone who is clearly inexperienced and highly affected by your feminine wiles.

Let’s say you show a little cleavage while complaining about how hot it’s getting. One man gets flustered and overly complimentary while another maintains strong eye contact with a smirk that clearly says, “I know what you’re doing, you cheeky little cutiepie.” Which man are you more likely to scam, and which one are you more likely to just have some good ol’ consensual fun with in the bedroom?

Free yourself from nervousness and desperation.

Easier said than done, I know. But it can be done. And you need to do it.

I’m not saying that you need to free yourself from nervousness by “just being confident.” That sort of advice is as useless as saying, “Just stop being depressed” to someone with depression.

You become less nervous and more confident through experience. Chase that experience relentlessly and continuously:

As for desperation, the best way to stop being desperate for something is to start feeling like you have enough of that thing you’re desperate for.

Therein lies the paradox for inexperienced men.

If you’re desperate for sex, intimacy, feminine affection, etc. from women, it’ll be harder to get it. But the desperation stops only if you get enough of it, right? It’s the classic paradox of desire.

I’m not telling you to pretend like you’re not desperate if you’re actually desperate. That just creates cognitive dissonance and risks the desperation becoming exacerbated via attitude inoculation. Oh, and being inauthentic is generally a bad idea for many other reasons as well.

Instead, focus more on other genuine desires when trying to meet women — desires that won’t land you in the crosshairs of scammers. Focus on what makes the women human. Focus on understanding their minds and lives deeper. You need that sort of understanding to have a real connection, after all.

We often feel multiple conflicting emotions simultaneously, but choosing to focus on one over another isn’t inauthentic. It’s choosing which side of the grass to water. And when you water the side that focuses on understanding the woman in front of you as a human with depth over your own desire to fulfill sexual desperation*, you’re enlivening the potential connection and intimacy the two of you can have while protecting yourself from being taken advantage of at the same time.

That’s because, if you focus on understanding her better deeply, there’s less focus between the two of you on how she can take advantage of you. Learning about her values and motivations on why she volunteered at the animal shelter pulls attention away from the strings she can pull to get you to pay off her student loans or whatever. Instead, it makes her see you as someone who can put the spotlight on her and make her feel important.

And, of course, your lack of nervousness and desperation will make it more likely for those with malicious intent to just walk away, or for you to realize what’s happening and walk away yourself.

*Note that there is a huge difference between sexual desperation and sexual desire. If you’re able to express desire without desperation, women can sense it from a mile away. And those without desperation won’t be attractive targets for manipulation and scams.

This isn’t a foolproof guide on avoiding danger.

No matter who you are or what you do, you can always end up being a victim of someone with malicious intent or accidental misunderstandings.

No matter how good of a driver you are, you can still get into a car crash. No matter how much you’ve freed yourself of nervousness and desperation, you can still end up being victimized somehow. That’s just the reality of life. However, becoming a better driver will minimize the chance for car crashes to happen, and freeing yourself from nervousness and desperation will minimize the chance of getting targeted by women who are naughty in the not-nice way.