Ben Stich is getting tired of the scare tactics advertisers aim at men … and the impact they have on our families.
—
While I was at the gym today listening to my favorite sports radio station I heard a commercial about divorce in Massachusetts. It made me stop in my tracks.
Literally.
I mean it. I must have looked ridiculous. I just stood where I was listening to my headphones.
The advertiser, a local law group, directed their message to divorcing men. I heard statements like:
…men have an uphill battle in court…we know the dirty tricks wives play…fight back before it’s too late…we can minimize the destruction…the hidden dangers of court…they get kids to turn on their fathers…
If I had been facing divorce, I would have been petrified!
I would think things such as: …I need to protect myself…the odds are stacked against me…I need to go on the offensive…I’m going to get robbed…
I can understand why some men would contact this law firm.
When I Thought The Propaganda Could Not Get Worse …
… I got home and googled the firm. I was shocked (again) when I saw a link titled ‘The Pitfalls of Mediation.” This group is not only scaring men to court but they are claiming that divorce mediation is inappropriate and harmful to men.
I could tell you that mediation is wonderful and ideal for everyone, especially men and fathers.
But then I would sound just like the radio ad, only selling the reverse message.
So, yes, mediation is not a fit for all circumstances. A good example is when there is significant history of domestic violence.
Yet, couples go through divorce mediation in Massachusetts all the time without being fleeced, taken advantage of, or subject to nasty tricks. Rather, they usually leave satisfied with a fair agreement that they were able to craft on their own terms.
♦◊♦
Which leads me to my point: be aware of gender-driven marketing scare tactics.
Be aware of gender-driven marketing scare tactics.
|
This shameless attempt to prey on male fears (and strengthen harmful female stereotypes) is not limited to divorce.
Scared to lose your hair? That you won’t feel attractive anymore? Buy this hair loss product!
Worried about your sexual potency? Want to last longer like a real man? Pop this pill!
Scared you won’t look good this summer? That the ladies will overlook you? Join this gym! Buy this fitness product!
How This Made Me Feel As A Man
As a male mediator, listening to this radio ad hit me in the gut.
After all, if mediation is harmful to men, and I am a male family and divorce mediator, what does that mean about me?
Am I part of a worldwide female conspiracy to screw over divorcing men, financed by the League of Bitter Divorced Women?
Now, I fully expect some comments to this post argue that they, as men, did get the short end of the stick in their divorce proceedings.
But that’s NOT THE POINT!
Just as girls and women should be alert for harmful marketing related to body image, beauty and sex, men should be on alert for clichéd harmful scare tactics preying on male fears and stereotypes.
The Collateral Damage
I used the word harmful in the last paragraph intentionally. This stereotyped marketing creates collateral damage.
The law firm’s ad uses fear to pit men versus women. It is not only divorcing men affected by the insidious messaging of this ad. Married men, dating men, and adolescent boys who are just beginning to develop attitudes about women are, too.
Unspoken messages in this ad (and similar ones) abound, like “you’re not a real man if you aren’t willing to show women who’s boss … a real man wouldn’t let some woman take advantage of him …” and so on.
The divisive tone of the ad fuels relationship doubt and distrust. And what happens?
Communication breaks down. Motives are second-guessed. And in the worst cases, relationships eventually crumble unnecessarily.
Thinking of the law firm’s ad, the greatest collateral damage in this drama, in my estimation, are children.
Litigation is confrontational. It creates resentment and exacerbates conflict between parents. The research is clear. The higher the conflict, the greater the likelihood children will have problems with behavior, academic performance, social skills, and the like. Litigation sets the stage for heightened conflict. This hurts kids. Oh, and by the way, that includes boys.
Sometimes family litigation is justified. Sometimes it is unjustified.
Blanket statements like those made by this law group are reckless and irresponsible. Sadly, this advertisement is not an isolated occurrence. Beyond this one ad, gender and fear-based marketing surrounds us.
The bottom line is this: when you hear advertising about any product or service, learn about your options and make informed decisions.
Avoid reactionary impulses based on cheap attempts to scare you, or any other ways that play in to some aspect of your manhood.
What do you think about the idea of men falling prey to misguided gender-stereotyped marketing tactics?
For more articles by this author, read:
The Most Important Ingredient for Improving Communication
What Are You Even Talking About?! How to Better Understand Your Partner
Image: ell brown/Flickr
Ben…thank you for this article. Divorce sucks for everyone, no doubt about that. But these ads are just making things worse. I used to work for a collaborative family law firm and was so happy to see that as an alternative for some couples (it is not for everyone).
It will be interesting to see the future, when gay marriage is legal and then, inevitably, gay divorce will be common (I assume they will have the same 50/50 chance everyone has). What will two dads do when such divorces occur, or two moms? Where will the gender bias be then?
Ben – great piece in identifying how marketers pit us against each other. It kind of makes me think about how the marketers are the little devils on our shoulders whispering our worst fears to us quietly in the background manipulating our attention onto each other instead of where it really should be…on the marketers who are falsely playing out our worst fears.
Thanks all for the great comments. Amy is correct, of course, that there are some courts and some judges with bias, and legitimate stories exist illustrating the man getting the short end of the stick. Fortunately, I do not experience that side of the coin often as a mediator. Mediation allows the couples — NOT a judge — to craft the terms of their divorce agreement. There is no questions that if you litigate, you are rolling the dice, and sometimes the die can be weighted in favor of the women. What saddens me is that by preying on our… Read more »
Ben I really believe you live in the “State of Confusion” not the Commonwealth of Mass…..I have worked in the court systems in both NYS and MA…….Father’s are undermined daily by the biased courts…Although I firmly believe the Restraining Order is a necessary tool of the court for abused women….a tactic now used by most women during a divorce on the advice of their Attorney is to lie and obtain if possible a restraining order in an effort to gain custody and make Fathers look bad… Practically every court will issue one when requested.. “Did your husband raise his voice… Read more »
I have a question. Why not prepare for litigation and try mediation? I’ve seen those don’t let a bully kick sand in your face ads so get buff and wonder what’s wrong with getting buff? There are ads that play on our insecurities, but if the ads are gone, would that really make the insecurities disappear? When I was 17 or so the school held a rape prevention class for girls. They decided to hold it in the lunchroom and of course being a dumb kid, I was cracking jokes and making fun of it. It got back to Sa… Read more »
John, thanks for playing devil’s advocate. I don’t think the fact that the toupe may make an insecure man feel better (to use your example) justifies the means. Skimpy outfits make many 17 year old girls feel sexier and more attractive, but that doesn’t justify the wholly unrealistic image of beauty that is marketed by countless make-up, hair, and clothing companies. Or, put another way, just because the toupe may make someone feel better does not mean there aren’t better and more empowering ways to strengthen a guy’s self-worth. It’s still about the bottom line for some of these businesses.… Read more »
Ben, the problem with mediation is that both parties do not start on even ground because of the outdated family court system.
It is much easier to get what you want when you have a HUGE weapon (Family Court judgements) to start with.
The family court system is still stuck in the 50s, Alimony should have been done away with a long time ago but still remains a large staple in the family court.
Is it irony, when the advertisement right at the top, is by an “Established Law Firm” that, “Handles Divorce Matters”?
Ugggghhh!!!! Whew, just had to get that out. Great article on marketing, fear, stereotypes, etc. Perhaps your next article can be about mediation and we can talk advertising. (Truly, liked the essay!)
Amen Ben!
Marketing preys on our weaknesses. Those companies that exploit this don’t care about the “victim”. They care about themselves and how much they can make from the “relationship”. They do not truly serve their clients/customers’ needs. My guess is that they will attract those people who play win:lose (or win:screw).
Anybody who is honest will have to acknowledge that often, men do get the short end of the stick in divorce court. The claim is that the primary care giver usually gets custody yet men who are the primary care givers either as stay-at-home-dads or part-time workers find that too often, when their wives file for divorce (70 percent of divorces are filed by women) , suddenly being the primary care giver doesn’t count. As a woman and a mother, I am outraged that an underage teenage boy who was statutorily raped by an older woman was forced to pay… Read more »
Congratulations on figuring out a separation agreement and co-parenting relationship that puts the kids first, and is fair to both you and your co-parent!
Ben, this was a great article to see. I’m a recently divorced mother in Texas. As most people are aware, divorces, and Texas, tend to favor the moms – she gets the house, the kids, the car/s, the pets, the spousal support (TX doesn’t call it alimony), you name it. Our divorce started out ugly, but became very amicable after the mediation – which was conducted by a male. My ex husband has custody of all 3 of our kids for 2 reasons: Our older 2 chose to stay with him and *I* – yes, the mom – chose to… Read more »
The problem with mediation as I see it is it aims to get to a semblance of the standard decree without the lawyers. Yet that means aiming at best for a man to get what the average divorced dad gets while avoiding a brutal fleecing yet never real equity as the outcome has to approximate the family court median. Which would be fine if the median approached fairness, yet we know thats not true……So it’s just admitting playing with a stacked deck from the start. A cheaper outcome yet no avenue for truly meaningful change to take place.
trey1963 – my lawyers and my ex’s lawyers were present during mediation. Our mediator was also a lawyer. And yes, MY hope was to reach the final decree without going to court. It worked out. After mediation, our lawyers were able to create a decree that we were both agreeable to.
trey1963, if I am understanding your comments correctly, my hunch is that your concern relates to the fact that every state has a different process and legal expectations. In Massachusetts, the courts expect agreements to be “fair and reasonable.” This reasonableness standard allows couples to craft their agreement to their mutual satisfaction in many circumstances. For example, parents have to submit the state-required child support guidelines to demonstrate they were considered, but can deviate if they both agree that another number is more fair and reasonable. There are limits, of course, but in my experience if parents are able to… Read more »
Nope, sorry Ben, not buying it. Men are sliced in half all the time in family court. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but the rule still stands. Men pay alimony about 85% of the time after divorce and lose their children at similar rates, being forced to pay larger sums of child support for children they hardly see. Women file 75% of all divorces and men take a huge risk when marrying in the west. This ad was doing the responsible thing. Marriage is no longer safe territory for men.
I called it! I knew the first comments would defend the ad”s position. Thanks for starting the conversation, Gigs1777. Working out the terms of a divorce in mediation avoids much of what you are describing. Mediation, at least in my area, is a process that allows spouses to work out the divorce on their own terms, rather than have a judge who doesn’t know anything about their case make lifelong decisions that impact their family. There certainly are times like you describe when litigating is appropriate — and other times when doing so causes more harm than good to the… Read more »