Renowned psychologist Carl Jung believed that all of us have masculine and feminine aspects to our natures; and a man who a hasn’t developed healthy coexistence between these two polarities in himself is emotionally out of balanced, and at risk of causing harm to himself and others. The tragedy is that many boys are still made to feel ashamed of feelings which don’t fit in with what is supposed to be ‘manly’, and this disconnection from what are essential parts of themselves leaves a hole in their souls which can poison their ability to express and experience love and intimacy throughout their lives.
If only the masculine side of boys is praised and promoted from an early age, there seems to be a self-evident connection between their biological sex and gender-alisations about what is ‘natural’ behaviour as they grow older. But recent research into the links, or lack of them, between biological sex and behaviour shows that most gender-typical behaviour is ‘learned’ rather than pre-determined by our genes. More proof of that is provided by all the brave individuals who choose to live in a way that fits what they feel is their true nature, rather than being limited by what’s between their legs. Even the assumption that testosterone is responsible for aggressive male behaviour is questionable. Plenty of studies show that male hormones don’t automatically lead to aggressive behaviour. In some cultures, men, despite their testosterone, have a much more passive role than women, and this is replicated in the animal world where there are numerous examples of females who are more aggressive than males!
Most (but by no means all) societies in the world have for much of their history valued stereotypically male behaviour more than the female/feminine, and as a result held men in higher regard than women. Not surprisingly, most men have also come to see themselves that way. Almost all deities are considered to be male, as are the majority of leaders in all fields from politics to science and art. Femininity, on the other hand, is often demeaned and, in some cultures, despised. Female sexuality in particular is seen as something needing to be feared and controlled. This underlying misogyny is taken to extremes where girls are refused access to education and jobs and must remain completely covered in public; or where women are expected to serve their husbands and the barbaric (to us) practise of FGM is still carried out. Even in the relatively enlightened West there’s a residual level of sexism and woman-hating revealed in a myriad of ways in our everyday lives, the most extreme examples being the male gender violence and femicide that is so often in the news.
But if women are innately and indisputably the equals of men in their humanity and capacity for thought and action of all kinds, and in fact more essential to the continuity of life, where does this disdain and fear of women, and the femaleness they represent, come from? There have been numerous explanations put forward, including the possibility that a meteor hit the earth at some time in the distant past, creating a world of fear and scarcity in which male aggression and domination became essential for survival and so was more greatly valued; or that in the early stages of our evolution, the more ‘feminine men’ were wiped out, so that all of our male ancestors were relatively violent. Some social biologists think that, because a woman can have multiple partners, only one of whose sperm will fertilise her precious egg, men have an innate need to dominate and control their sexual partners as a way of ensuring that it’s their genes which are reproduced.
Another theory is that men never forgive, or forget, their early total dependence on their mothers for nourishment and comfort, especially in the absence of an emotionally available father figure and spend the rest of their lives taking revenge on women for having been pushed away from the breast at some point; trying to re-create primal feelings of warmth and security with the women in their lives, at the same time as trying to prove how independent they are.
Whatever the reason, some men have clung to, and used violence to enforce, the notion is that that females are an inferior gender whose main role is to cater to the needs of men. Women that refuse to conform to this expectation must be punished, as well as men who reveal any feminine tendencies. But a man who is disconnected from his feminine nature is missing an important part of himself, which leads him to envy and wants to ‘own’ it in a woman. He’ll be driven to control and even punish the feminine in her, at the same time as needing her in his life to be able to feel complete. This is the toxic contradiction which is at the heart of abusive male behaviour; insecure men are drawn to dominate women as a way of reassuring themselves that they’re not as powerless as they fear they are. And as more women demand equal rights, such men become more stridently anti-female to prove that they’re not tainted with the feminine traits they’re so afraid to own up to. Hence the so-called ‘men’s rights’ movement.The unbalanced masculine is also responsible for wars and other forms of violence – such as the behaviour of the Taliban in Afghanistan, and more recently the Russians in Ukraine
Thankfully, more men are questioning the traditional imbalance of value and expectations between the different genders – and are feeling free to live outside the limiting ‘man box’ of gender conformity and express a more fully developed version of manhood. Quite apart from the women’s rights issues, the feminine is urgently needed to balance the masculine approach to relationships and to our planet, characterised by power, exploitation and control, because it has resulted in a succession of wars that may end up killing many of us; and a level of environmental destruction that will finish off the job.
Cultural norms are deeply rooted; change is always slow, and often fiercely resisted by people whose sense of identity is rooted in the old ways of looking at thing – especially when the outdated traditions confer a degree of privilege on them i.e. in most parts of the world, men. But men who have been lucky enough to grow up in families or societies where their feminine has been accepted and valued, have an inner sense of confidence about who they are. When we learn to be fully connected with our full inner nature, we’re much less likely to be judgemental or aggressive, and there is an urgent need for more boys and men to feel that all sides of their nature are respected and recognised. It’s up to all parents, especially fathers, to encourage boys to ‘human up’ and to celebrate their feminine side, and that there are limitless ways to be ‘a man’. The important thing is that we stop feeling anxious about whether we’re ‘man enough’ and live in a way that’s true to all parts of ourselves. This is the only way we can build a world in which all men respect and appreciate each other – as well as the women we come into contact with.
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