Meeting Halfway: Emotional Connection Between Anxious and Avoidant Partners

What happens when you hold two magnets together with the positive pole ends? They repel each other.

Why did I start the article with a random metaphor to set up an analogy?

It describes the relationship between the preoccupied anxious and the dismissive-avoidant.

Two people arriving at the table with positive intentions seemingly repel each other no matter what they attempt to do while working through their dynamic.

The dynamic between an anxious and avoidant partner can be one of the most strenuous relationships to navigate long-term.

While each partner has preferences for conflict resolution, communication, quality time, and general needs, it often seems like their preferences are the opposite of their partners.

While it feels valid, there is something else happening in those moments.

There are positive triggers for someone to feel loved, heard, cared for, and seen.

There are also negative triggers for someone to feel unseen, abandoned, unheard, and devalued.

How do we meet in the middle and step out of our comfort zone to show respect for our partner’s needs while simultaneously feeling valued?

We will get into that and break down three pillars: The approach, the peak, and the resolution.

Before some of you roll your eyes and say, “Leave these people at all costs,” remember I write for people who are putting in the work and looking for a change in their dynamic.

Yes, if that isn’t you, by all means, feel free to walk away.

The approach

Dysfunction in most relationship turmoil is about the approach and what initially sets the stage for each person to release their thoughts and emotions.

Between a dismissive-avoidant and an anxious-preoccupied partner, it can set the stage for a resolution to be improbable.

You will often hear this a lot in this dynamic. Not only do you have to work through the central issue, but you can’t get to it because you’re still in the communication stage.

How do we set the stage for each person to be valued and correctly responded to in these situations? Remember, this is not only about tiffs or disagreements. It also includes expression and concern.

Anxious preoccupied

If you are an anxious individual, you cannot express emotions to your partner when overwhelmed by them. To you, it feels like you are getting it off your chest. To an avoidant, it feels like an avalanche is coming at them.
You cannot force feelings out of your dismissive avoidant partner. You want answers now! An avoidant hasn’t even thought of them. Show your partner that there is room for time.

Dismissive avoidants

You have to share the progression of your emotions. You do not have to have all the answers. A piece of the emotional release is to work through the unknown with your partner.
Your partner wants to be comfortable releasing. When you are not an outlet, you are no longer a resource. That “avalanche” is your partner showing you they want to build trust.

The Mountain top

The most consequential time in this dynamic is when emotions hit their peak.

Remember the example of the magnet in the introduction?

The anxious-preoccupied partner wants to pull closer and attack issues immediately, while the avoidant seeks to pull away and take time to think and process.

What happens when one person pulls closer while the other distances themselves? I don’t think I have to break that one down for you.

The detail that needs notice is that in times of turmoil, one partner’s comfort is the other person’s negative trigger.

How do we meet in the middle when neither party finds balance in retracting their initial comfort zone?

We have to introduce the idea of an issue before it is full-blown. It has to happen on both sides of the dynamic.

Anxious individuals can’t have a release of a multitude of issues that have snowballed and express them in one sitting.

An avoidant cannot wait until an issue is recurring and only reaches the point where they are fed up and express it.

Both parties should introduce the idea to their partner so they have time to reconcile.

“Hey, can we talk about XYZ at (defined time),” for the fearful avoidant?

“I noticed XYZ has been on my mind, and I don’t want to hold it in,” avoidant.

No, these two sentences won’t resolve all your issues, but they will add a bridge so you are not avoiding problems until their peak.

An avoidant will not be receptive to deep conversations out of the blue that need an instantaneous resolution, and anxious individuals will not respond well when it feels like it is the first time hearing about an issue when it has hit its peak.

Let the cookies rest

Do you know what’s crucial about avoiding problems before the peak of an issue? It sets up a path for a positive resolution and a path forward.

While there are many roadblocks to conflict resolution in this dynamic, there needs to be an equal amount of focus on what happens later.

The problem in resolution is that the anxious individual can create a logbook of issues. It feels that way because after a conflict feels resolved, they often still have new feelings to express.

Avoidants feel the opposite. Once they get through with an issue, they don’t want to return to it.

Both partners in this dynamic have to leave the end of a disagreement with a path forward. Each person in this dynamic is susceptible to feeling attacked and disconnected from their partner. (If this doesn’t happen)

When you end a discussion, you should return to the table and show a form of gratitude for the conversation. It can happen ten minutes later, later in the day, or the next day.

…

Your partner needs to feel support from you.

Your partner needs to feel connected.

Your partner needs to feel like they are receiving positive support.

Be patient.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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