Crying is something we can all admit to having done at some point in our lives. However, anecdotally, it appears men suppress this emotion more than women. Maybe men cry as much, but they remain cloaked behind closed doors in order to shed their feelings.
The question I asked myself the other day was, “Why and what may be the reasons?”
Fears for Tears
Even Mr. Charles Darwin – a revolutionary biologist, once declared crying “purposeless”1. Quite an insensitive comment, I thought, especially coming from an educated man. Moving several decades onward, the science exploring human behaviour has evolved to prove him wrong.
After all, within minutes we were born, crying immediately communicated some form of distress. It hailed to our mother, who bore us we were alive. Crying was a signal we had survived from being “in utero” and somehow made it to a world from where you’re reading this.
And as we entered childhood, any observed differences in crying were likely to be negligible.
However, as males age, they seem better at covering up emotional vulnerability through environmental and social conditioning.
The reader may think this is a sweeping generalisation. Or is there any evidence behind my statement?
Sociology and Stoicism
It’s an age-old stereotype that women often cry more than men. However, this isn’t just a random myth.
Scientific studies indeed support that there is a gender gap in crying2. The question is, why is this the case? A significant part of the answer may lie in the societal scripts handed down through generations.
From an early age, boys are taught to suppress their emotions, with expressions such as “Boys don’t cry” and “Man up!”.
And even today, it is hard to shake off these entrenched cultural values for reasons I still find hard to understand.
These societal norms dictate that expressing emotions through crying is a sign of weakness and shame, adding to the umbrella term known as ‘fragile masculinity’3.
This social conditioning often has pervasive long-term effects, making men less likely to shed tears as adults. The persistent pressure to conform to these expectations of stoicism and hypermasculinity can make men less prone to crying, thereby disguising their true emotional state.
Nature and Nurture
Emotionally expressive behaviour in different genders has been a subject of scientific scrutiny for years.
Studies suggest that women tend to be more emotionally expressive than men, likely due to cultural, societal, and biological factors.
Hormones contribute to emotional responses and crying. Testosterone, for instance, a hormone at higher levels in men, has been found to inhibit crying. On the other hand, prolactin, present at higher levels in women, is associated with promoting tears2.
And by this, we’re not referring to the protective reflex tears that arise from being poked in the eye or cutting up an onion.
We mean emotional tears, which arise for many reasons – sadness, anger, pain, guilt or even gratitude and happiness.
Other research reveals that the tear glands in men are structurally different from those in women, further suggesting a biological basis for the difference in crying patterns4.
Tracing the Impact on Mental Health in Men
The suppression of tears and emotions in men can have significant implications for mental health.
The societal expectation for men to be stoic can lead to emotional suppression, which is linked to a myriad of mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and stress-related disorders.
The act of crying itself has been found to have profound therapeutic effects. It’s a natural response to many emotions, not just sadness or grief but also joy, frustration, and relief. It provides a sense of catharsis, helping individuals deal with their feelings more effectively.
By stigmatising crying in men, society could be denying them this natural and healthy coping mechanism, potentially contributing to the higher rates of suicide5 and lower life expectancy observed among them.
Redefining ‘Real Men’: Encouraging Emotional Expression
Even today, we must keep redefining what being a “real man” means. Encouraging emotional expression in men can be a significant step towards bridging the gender crying gap.
We must continue to teach boys and men that it’s perfectly alright to cry and that expressing emotions isn’t a sign of weakness. It is a sign they are human and need to connect with others at a time of weakness. It is crucial to provide safe spaces where men can express their feelings without judgment or ridicule.
Promoting change requires effort from all societal levels.
Parents, educators, and media can help reshape the narrative around men and emotions.
We can begin the conversation by eliminating throwaway phrases like “Boys don’t cry” from our vocabulary and replacing them with messages that validate all emotional responses, irrespective of gender.
Moreover, healthcare professionals should encourage men to explore their emotional side should they seek assistance. It acts as a vital stepping stone towards better mental health overall.
A Mascara of Masculinity: Unmasking the Myths
Of course, not all men conform to societal expectations, and not all women cry more frequently. Personal temperament, life experiences, and individual coping mechanisms also significantly shape emotional expression.
Recent collective changes are hopefully continuing to challenge traditional gender norms, encouraging emotional expression in both men and women, even in the latter months of 2023.
Crying is a natural, therapeutic response to a wide range of emotions. By encouraging men to embrace this, we can start dismantling the harmful scripts that associate crying with feeling undermined or emasculated.
Remember, the real strength lies in embracing our emotions, not hiding them.
So, let’s march towards that world, one tear at a time, redefining the meaning of “strength” in the process, regardless of gender.
To end, I quote Washington Irving, an American short-story writer, essayist, biographer, historian, and diplomat of the early 19th century.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
So, dare I ask, when was the last time you “let it all out?”
And if you did, so what? After all, you’re only human like me.
One day, we may even need one another’s shoulders, virtually or otherwise, to express ourselves more meaningfully during those tear-jerking moments.
For me, at the time of writing, I only had to “doomscroll” the media and witness the heinous atrocities occurring globally before I felt the need to reach for another packet of tissues.
References
4. doi: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/2356707/
5. doi: https://doctorpaulwrites.com/blog/silence-stigma-shaping-the-conversation-on-speaking-about-suicide/
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I acknowledge First Australians, the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia. We recognise their continuing culture, their contribution and connection to land, waters and community, and we pay our respect to elders past, present and emerging.
I declare I have no conflicts of interest in my writing.
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Dr Surrinder Paul Singh MB BS (London, UK) BSc. (Hons.)
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