Men and Boys Get to Say ‘No’ Too

I sit across from my son on a restaurant patio. He introduces his friends to me, and to a couple of people they’v met who join us from another table.

One young woman he just met sits next to him. As we all joke, drink, and eat, she starts touching his arm. She progresses to playing with his hair, and draping her arm across his chair. I can see he’s uncomfortable. I’m his mother, and know his facial expressions, even when they’re subtle.

They are in their mid-twenties, and I leave it up to him to ask her to stop, even though the mom in me wants to intervene. I can see he is uncomfortable, even though he continues to laugh. He gets up and leaves, then comes back, and sits in another chair. She moves next to him and continues touching him.

When we leave, I ask if he was bothered by her touching him. He says yes, but insists it’s not a big deal. He’s attractive, and used to unwanted attention.

I remind him that guys can say no, too.

Unwanted touch is unwanted touch whether it’s men touching women or women touching men. Or women touching women or men touching men.

The inability of men to say no starts when they are very young. Society makes jokes about boys being molested by older girls and women, as if being male means you always welcome female touch. Even when you’re only 6 years old.

When boys are sexually abused they have a difficult time establishing boundaries as adults until they work on the trauma. Even then, there can be triggers.

A male friend told me of a situation where a girlfriend woke him in the middle of the night, stroking him in an effort to arouse him for sex. Instead, he awoke with a start, triggered and scared, until he realized what was happening and who she was.

Often, when these things happen, the person attempting to arouse the man is taken by surprise, and shocked. If the relationship is a committed one, the partner will understand and not violate trust by intentionally doing something that will trigger the man who was molested as a child.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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