A stranger reaches out for your help. Please don’t let her down.
Recently we received the following email, with the subject line “Who Can Help?”:
I found you whilst trawling the internet and am not sure if you can help. This summer my niece and 2 of my nephews were killed by a speeding driver. There is a whole morass of horror and issues with this of course, but what I am pondering at the moment is this.
I set up a memorial page on Facebook for the children and 99% of the likes and posts are from women. The posts from my sister are viewed and commented on 5 to 10 times more than the posts from my brother in law.
He is hurt and puzzled by this as it seems as if men don’t care and as if people don’t see his grief as important. Why is this? How can we change it? How can I help him?
We’re honored that she would turn to our readers at such a difficult time. I’m sure every guy comes at this from a different angle, so I’ll get the conversation started with my two cents:
I can only speak for myself, but I would be terrified of just the opposite of what your brother in law is feeling. In my mind, posting “I’m sorry for your loss” or some other Facebook sentiment would seem inadequate, like I was reducing his grief to the same level as a picture of what I had for lunch today. In truth, I don’t even know him, and your letter pains me. I can’t imagine dealing with that much heartache, and I wish there was more that I could do than offer you my positive thoughts.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeIn terms of helping him, I’d recommend trying to get him face to face with his friends. I know I’d be much more open in person than I would be online.
What are your thoughts on why you (or men in general) are reluctant to post on a memorial page in a scenario such as this? Please help this dear lady out and share your insights.
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photo Lucas Guimaraes/Flickr
Actually, as a guy whenever I sympathize with others over loss, or show emotions that seem to be socially ‘reserved as female only’ I get lambasted with criticism for being a wuss, not by men but by women. Apparently caring for the well beings of others instead of kicking them while they are down. At least, that’s how it has been for me.
I notice that too. A while back an acquaintance of my was going through a breakup and one of the thing she complained about was the fact that he was crying during the final conversation. And you know what she said about that? She didn’t like the fact that he was acting like, and I quote, “such a fucking pussy”.
That’s America for you. Which sucks.
That’s it exactly. Unless you actually take the time to compose and edit an original short paragraph on the topic, just adding some version of a stock phrase of condolence or sympathy can seem so banal it’s almost obscene. Silence often does feel more somber and respectful than pat sayings.
When I was married, I often times let my wife do the “feeling” and especially the sympathy for both of us. This didn’t mean that I didn’t care, or wasn’t moved by the suffering of others, in fact, it meant a great deal more to me than it ever had in the past. I thought, for some reason that her expressions of emotion were somehow her domain, indeed this backfired on me, since one of the things she told me when we separated was that ” I never seemed to care about anybody,” Such is the price for my silence.… Read more »
From my perspective if a girl-friend or I posts something sad on Facebook and a comment is made it is genuine. It must be a girl thing. I can understand if men don’t like to do the same. Most probably be better as some have mentioned. Let people know and when your bro-in-law is ready, get him and some mates together. Play some eight-ball, shoot some hoops, have a beer or whatever male thing you guys want to do. I am sure that is when ‘mouths will be opened’.
Does grief require closeness or does closeness require that we face our grief? A lot of people are suggesting that words are empty and actions required, but actions usually require you to be present so I think the question is valid.
Because slacktivism isn’t sympathy.
If it’s someone I know, I don’t preen myself in public, I contact them directly and ask them if they need help.
Natalie – I fully agree – I think even the small things are better than nothing at all. While an individual comment of “I’m sorry for your loss” is not going to have much impact, 20, 50, 100? That helps you feel the support of those around you and help make it clear that you’re not alone in dealing with the pain (not that you’re expecting everyone to come over and give you a hug and listen while you pour your heart out – it helps keeping one from feeling isolated as well). I’m actually a little surprised that the… Read more »
For some reason this page reloaded, and I lost at least a thousand words on this. Rather than type it down, I’ll exec-summarize: 1. Most boys receive few emotional communications like sympathy, appearance-based reassurance, etc. This teaches us that emotional communications are to be withheld under most circumstances. Therefore, even if we think a girl looks nice, feel sorry for someone’s loss, or love someone with all our hearts, it doesn’t easily occur to us to say so. 2. Most girls bombarded with emotional such communications–some genuine, and some not. This teaches them that emotional communications are to be conveyed… Read more »
It’s not a lack of empathy, and it’s not simply the case that men just show their feelings less. In terms of expressing feelings, it’s not that women express and men don’t. It’s more that men express their feelings a little differently. Men tend to use a different kind of grief language than women do, but if you’re not aware of it then you won’t see it. If you don’t speak it, then it’s hard to notice. For example, notice at funerals which gender usually carries the casket, drives the cars in the procession, operates the funeral home, makes the… Read more »
Greeting card culture over-emphasizes sympathy. Empathy holds real value between people and requires physical presence. Don’t look to the web for meaningful co-mutuality. May be best for this grieving father to get out with his buddies.
I agree with previous posters on the subject that what we chose to share on Facebook should not be confused with what we actually share or feel.
My sympathy goes out to the family and friends of the victims of this horrible tragedy. But with that being said and I am sincere in what I said, I think it’s rather unfair to paint men as lacking sympathy because of a lack of responses on of all places face book. Having attended countless funerals through the years, I have never observed a lack of sympathy by men. Having last four brothers, a sister, mom and dad, men were as consoling as women. In fact, when my dad passed, the funeral home had to open another room to accommodate… Read more »
I can’t imagine what that man is going through. My thoughts are with them. I think you’ve hit the reason in the OP, the feeling that words are inadequate. Facebook to many doesn’t feel authentic. Social media barely feels genuine. “liking” a post on a website is not the same as attending a funeral where you shake hands with the bereaved. I can’t imagine mixing social media anxiety with grief as being a healthy thing. I think for men, the physical presence of friends and family is needed. A male friend who wants to help, will be present, be ready… Read more »
Culturally Men are allowed to be sympathetic to women and children not other men
When can a man actually acknowledge his own pain? Stiff upper lip, rub some dirt on it, man up. If you can’t publicly acknowledge your own pain, how do you acknowledge anothers?
Part of it is a lot of men don’t “like” in general and another part is that it’s scary to put your greif and emotion out on display. We most definatly would be thinking and feeling it though.
Facebook is a lurkers place. About 5% of the people on Facebook LIKE or COMMENT, EVER. And men, are often behind in expressing our sorrow and sympathies. But it’s not because we don’t feel them, it’s that society has made it hard for men to soften up and cry, or be vulnerable. Brené Brown has done a great talk on Vulnerability and a 2nd one on Shame. They are both important pieces of work, to understand how we’ve shut down most men’s grieving. So Facebook, yes more women will comment. And most people will never comment, men or women. But… Read more »
I agree entirely, society has created this. I constantly see mothers/ fathers telling their boys to “get over it”, “suck it up” ect. Theyre not allowed to feel bad…..and so they dont. They turn off and allow anything inside that does hurt to turn into anger. Its acceptable for a man to be angry, but unacceptable for them to ever ask for any sort of communication that would help heal anger.
As a guy myself I think its a case of the kind words coming off as a chessy and void of meaning (like the words are being more said out of obligation than a genuine desire to say those words).
Agreed, it feels cheesy n just weird to say it publicly.
I’m not a guy but I think most of the men I know are not likely to comment on this kind of stuff. I don’t think it’s that they don’t feel or sympathize. I think it’s just not in most mens’ nature to publicly show empathy. I think men are less likely to show any emotion in public actually–especially tenderness. Personally I am always surprised to see a man comment on a touching or tender post.
To the dad:
My brother, I can’t even imagine what your pain is. Just sitting here wondering what to write I am tearing up. It is clearly a pain that can’t be fixed, only sat with. I can’t do that in real life with you, but maybe, maybe, you can imagine me there with you when you look at that page. I offer a virtual hug, I wish I could take some of the burden for a minute.
We are with you.
Brian
My, probably emotionally unsatisfying, “two cents worth” is: We are unfortunate to be in a period when expectations of gender roles are changing, finding ourselves with one foot in the past, one foot in the future, and we are uncomfortable with either. Traditionally, I think, it was the females role to nurture and the males role to be a protect. The aftermath of a tragedy was naturally seen as a time when the protectors naturally stepped aside to make room for nurturers. In this time of changes, I don’t think anyone is sure of their proper role, which results in… Read more »
I think you hit the nail on the head there James. If it was me reading it and learning the news, there’d likely be some swearing in disbelief, face-rubbing, deep breathing and sighs, and then probably not typing anything on the Facebook page. It would feel uncapturable and a bit trivialising. If it was me that it had happened to, I don’t think I’d want to make a memorial page. It would be too raw to post about to a bunch of sometimes-randoms. But that’s just me and I understand why other people feel differently. Different people respond to those… Read more »
I think whenever people don’t offer words it’s because they’re afraid whatever they say will seem paltry. It’s not until you are in a situation of loss yourself that you find out how much even small words mean. Just acknowledging, letting them know you’ve given it a thought and that you care about them and especially about their loved one who was lost, means so much.
I agree. Posting on Facebook is not real concern. Maybe this is too male or stoic of me, but I think a lot of little phrases people say like “we’ll pray for you” are really shallow and meaningless.
And I agree with you. I think Facebook is NOT a place to post about your serious loss or grief. People either make no comment, or post an empty platitude. As a man I know it’s hard to express grief, or know what to do or say about someone else’s. It doesn’t mean we don’t care or understand it emotionally, because we do. A simple “I’m sorry” was enough for me in my times of loss, I don’t really want a big discussion, maybe that’s a male thing and if it is, that’s ok too.