Men Explain Why They Want to Stay Single [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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i’ve got my cool life and you’re going
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to come in and you’re going to try and
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change it up and
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make me make the bed and do things and
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turn my music down
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we put a post out on social media asking
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men what is the brutally honest truth
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about why you might get scared of
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committing to someone and i was thinking
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i might read them out to you guys and
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just get your thoughts on them
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some of them got my back up i’m not
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gonna lie i don’t know i only know a
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couple of these that you’re gonna read a
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lot of these i’ve i don’t know which
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ones you’ve chosen so i’m excited to
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hear you get angrier with each one
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comment number one jonathan says i would
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say i’m afraid of being changed to be
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told that in order to be with someone i
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must change who i am
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thoughts
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well
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you you will be changed on some level by
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someone i think that’s that’s
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that’s the nature of things you meet
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someone and you’re you’re in some way
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changed by them that’s actually one of
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the best parts of a relationship i
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should add i i want it
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i i would actually like to change the
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narrative around it a little bit because
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that
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any time i think that you can
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mark your life by the moments that
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someone who changed it came into your
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life
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there are all people there are people
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throughout our life friends
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um colleagues bosses
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uh people that we
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fall in love with that change us in some
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way that we’re really grateful for so
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let’s be clear there are relationships
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where one plus one equals three and
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you’re happy for the changes what
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jonathan is talking about is the kind of
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change that happens when someone starts
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to strip us of the things that we feel
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are fundamentally
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us
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and crucial to who we are and what we
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like to do and how we like to live
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and i think that
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we’re all a little afraid of that
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usually we come to a relationship with a
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little bit of trauma from
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having been in a relationship before
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where
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someone did
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it did feel like someone robbed us of
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something that
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felt like
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it was fundamentally us and we found
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ourselves treading on eggshells with our
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own personality and
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having to sort of amputate crucial parts
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of ourselves in order to make this other
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person happy and then when the
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relationship ended
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we feel less of ourselves and we feel
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like we’re having to find ourselves
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again
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in the process of rebuilding and the
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truth is also it is very difficult to
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change right so often if somebody’s
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feeling that pressure like you need to
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change
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it’s not like oh i’m afraid i’m going to
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just change and i’m going to be so
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different and lose myself sometimes it’s
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just like i’m afraid this person’s just
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going to sit there constantly resenting
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me because you know they’re just always
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thinking of these ways that that i
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should change and you know i’m not going
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to completely change like i think of
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that scene in before midnight
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where
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ethan hawke’s character is walking with
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julie depley and julie depley asked the
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questions like if you could change
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anything about me what would it be
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and
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uh ethan hawk’s character kind of knows
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what she’s getting at and he’s just like
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i think i would change the fact that you
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want to change me all the time you know
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or something like that where it’s like
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he knows that she’s sitting there sort
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of ruminating on like these little
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habits he has and all these things and
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he’s just kind of feeling that
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resentment yeah because it really does
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feel i mean it is the antithesis
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of being accepted
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and being accepted is is what we really
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want
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so yeah i think that that’s that’s an
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interesting one by jonathan i get it you
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know i feel like it’s more about be
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afraid of being judged than being
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changed like i do i’m gonna get judged
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for my choices or the things i like to
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do with my time
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my lifestyle
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like my habits don’t you think that
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being judged is a disguised fear of of
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not being accepted and if i’m not
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accepted then i don’t feel worthy
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so what i’m really afraid of when i
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don’t want to be judged is i’m afraid
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that
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the things that make me me my
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idiosyncrasies and eccentricities and
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the little things that
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i enjoy doing
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are going to be seen as weird or stupid
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or
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just
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um
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just not normal and
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that therefore i’m not going to be
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accepted by someone yeah absolutely and
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then i think the extra fear might be
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someone thinking maybe i’m not going to
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be strong enough to uh
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defend the way i like things there’s two
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things there’s like
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there’s wanting to keep the things that
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make you you and there probably is a bit
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of fear of
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some of these things i probably will
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have to compromise a bit to properly
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have a relationship with someone and
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that’s that’s also
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a reason probably people get fearful of
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getting in relationships these days
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where they’re used to having their own
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autonomy a lot and they think yeah i’m
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gonna have to live in a bit of a less
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selfish way i’m gonna have to compromise
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some things to be with someone and
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that’s also scary you know what it’s
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interesting you say that because another
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comment from sabros
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was being afraid of losing it
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not sure what it is
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and to become a giant pleaser and forget
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my own well-being in the process which i
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think is similar to what you’re talking
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about stephen exactly i think sometimes
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there’s a pre-emptive defense where
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people are like i know
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i’m going to be a pleaser in this
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relationship i know i’m going to want to
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care about the other person
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and i might end up forgetting myself or
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or doing things that aren’t me
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because i am got a good heart because i
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care because i
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just need to please someone and they’re
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kind of like i don’t want to do it
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because i know
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i’m going to feel that pressure to
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please them but that’s so interesting
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isn’t it because even there is just a
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crucial insight
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that what i’m disguising as a fear
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of you
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changing me
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is really
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just
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the
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fear that i cannot trust myself
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yeah
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that’s what it comes down to and people
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don’t say that right people say oh i
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don’t i don’t want you coming into my
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life and changing me it’s like it’s sort
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of this feel it’s almost like a
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it’s like a rock star
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excuse
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you know i’ve got my cool life and
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you’re gonna come in and you’re gonna
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try and change it up and
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make me make the bed and do things and
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turn my music down and whatever and
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instead what it really is is i’m
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actually
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so distrusting
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of myself and my ability
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to have boundaries
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that
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i don’t even want to develop feelings in
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the first place because i can’t trust
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myself when i do it’s fascinating really
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interesting and i would like to add
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briefly that i think the point you made
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earlier about
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the fear of not being accepted is huge
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because i think there’s a lot of
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insecurity when you’re when you’re
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afraid of commitment you tend to that
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tends to be interwoven with insecurity
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somewhere
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and
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the
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insecurity with a lot of in a lot of
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these responses that i think is popping
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up is
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um if i allow myself to be too
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vulnerable
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i will basically be crushed
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you know is there another comment like
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that
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yes in fact there is the next comment is
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from robert and he said because
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commitment means eventually being known
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in my vulnerability
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which is a huge reason why people are
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scared of commitment don’t you think
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yes
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look i think that
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it’s
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the more distant you keep someone
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the more it feels like you have total
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control over the situation
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you’re you’re essentially controlling
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the elements in your life
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and minimizing the variables
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and one of the greatest variables you
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can introduce into your life is someone
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you care about and someone whose opinion
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you care about and someone who you let
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your guard down in front of
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so
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if you’re afraid that it’s going to be
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hard to control
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your feelings of rejection if that
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doesn’t go well then you just don’t want
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to invite that possible rejection in in
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the first place
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audrey do you think that
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this is
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a uniquely a guy’s fear or do you think
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that women go through something like
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this too i mean i think a lot of the
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things that are popping up are actually
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unisex you know
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um i definitely think that people who
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are afraid of commitment are just afraid
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of letting someone in people just find
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it hard to be vulnerable i have a very
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very dear friend who is someone who
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has struggled for a really long time to
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to to sort of let someone in and she
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finds the process very uncomfortable
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she’s obviously overcome a lot of that
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but
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this is me being very candid there’s a
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lot of men here who are essentially
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saying they haven’t met anyone they like
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enough or find attractive enough or
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want to commit to
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um
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and they’re sort of
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instead of saying oh maybe that’s
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because
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the people that i think i should be
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with don’t want me they’re saying oh
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it’s because you know like everyone else
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is just controlling and wants to pin me
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down and it it feels a little bit to me
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with some of the comments from
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from these men personally that it’s just
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a bit of a kind of
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uh let’s blame women and how crazy they
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are and how commitment is evil versus
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the kinds of
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things that are holding them back and
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the ways that they are actually viewing
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themselves versus the reality does that
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make sense am i sounding harsh no i i
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think i think there’s
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there’s absolutely truth to that i think
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it’s easier to have someone who for
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example you
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didn’t have boundaries with who you kept
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in your life too long
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who then kind of
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it’s kind of scarring when you have
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someone who makes your life really
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really difficult
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and
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brings a lot of
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bad energy to your life
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it’s it’s a scarring thing and it’s sort
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of easy to draw a conclusion from that
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the easiest thing is to just draw a
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conclusion and say women are crazy
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women are controlling women want to take
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away this from you they want to take
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away that it’s easier to do that
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than to say well why did i allow that to
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happen
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why did i choose someone like that in
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the first place come to think of it
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and make no mistake every single one of
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us most people at least have been in the
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wrong relationship and felt had that
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feeling of like i wasted time and it
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didn’t feel good and i don’t want to do
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that again and so a lot of people bring
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that fear of wasting time to the next
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situation and of course if you couple
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that with the fear that once i develop
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feelings it’s even harder to get out of
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the wrong thing
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then
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you have an awful lot of high stakes
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going into
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committing to anybody
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and one of the things that
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we talked about in this week’s video is
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that
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with people like that
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and i say this week’s video for those of
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you that only listen to the podcast of
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course we release a video on youtube
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every week but these kinds of people
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there are actually things that
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we can do to influence
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what they do their thoughts around
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commitment their behaviors around
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commitment
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i’ve i talk about this in one of our
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programs audrey and i recently did a
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private kind of session with some of our
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members where we talked about the fact
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that i had some fears around commitment
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that audrey was amazing at navigating
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and
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influencing
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which of course was the thing that led
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to me
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proposing which is something that kind
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of a couple of years before that
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i was nev i was in no way in the right
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mindset to be able to think in those
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terms so
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that’s and oh and i should say
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in that video we talk about where you
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can actually
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learn more practically about what you
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can do to influence the situation with
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someone who’s not a bad person they’re
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not coming from a toxic place they’re
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not coming from a place that would make
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audrey angry
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they are
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they are just someone who’s struggling a
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little bit and what can you do if you
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found the right person but they’re
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struggling a little bit
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if you want to
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go somewhere now that can help you with
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that please go here it’s called
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getthefreetraining.com
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is something that really will help you
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with this and it will help you learn
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there’s a certain language
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to persuasion there’s a certain language
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to influence especially in a situation
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where
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it’s those
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fragile early stages of dating
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and
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this particular video training is from
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my program attraction to commitment
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which the entire program is about how to
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go from being casual with someone to
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being committed but this is like a
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bite-sized video portion of it that you
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can have for free and it takes all of
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the stuff we’re talking about now and
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debating sort of intellectually and it
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makes it practical for you so that you
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know how to create more commitment with
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someone you like go over to
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getthefreetraining.com
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to watch that now because it really is
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very powerful and it’s taken from an
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entire program i have on this subject
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you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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