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I want to paint a quick picture for you.
You’re out on a first date, and the conversation is going well, but it begins to feel dry and slow.
The fun and free-flow feeling of the date has dissipated, and now you’re in that awkward, panic, anxiety-filled mode where you’re scrapping for any talking points to keep it moving.
What if I told you there was a way to prevent that?
On the first date, it is your responsibility to keep the flow alive, although I know it feels like an unfair position to be in.
Remember, I don’t write those soft-hitting articles where I gently walk you through a process and guide you to the finish line.
I work with too many men who are actively dating but struggling with the changes they see in the market.
While women deal with their turbulence and frustrations in the market, they have an advantage over you early on: options.
Early on, you must stick out as the best option, and that is to win on the first date.
“But Tunde, it should be natural and effortless, and it shouldn’t feel like I am trying.”
Have fun with that.
Your move
I know it is a running joke on social media about what women consider a list of first-date ideas that give them the “ick.”
While I hope it is all fun and games, I will tell you there is a series of ideas you should throw out of the window.
One of the first mistakes I see men making is that there is no movement to the date.
You might think I am talking about the flow of the conversation, but I mean something completely different.
The mistake I see is that a first date is generally a face-to-face sit-down.
Conversations have the highest risk of turning slow and robotic when you sit in this format.
Off the jump, I can tell you if you are going to have a sit-down date, make sure you are sitting next to your date and not face to face. It alleviates the pressure of sitting face-to-face and eye-to-eye with someone during dead time.
The evolution of this idea is to include peripheral movement, meaning there is action taking place in your vicinity.
The park or live show is an easy way to accomplish the goal.
The main objective is to have breaks that are not awkward or potentially filled with lulls in conversation, but if any exist, you have the environment to provide talking points.
Walking also adds a consistently changing environment surrounding you. As the scene changes, so will the conversation.
Min/max
Mystery is essential to crushing your first date. You have to leave your date in a state of curiosity where they want to learn more about you.
You also have to extract as much information from your date as possible. No, you are not a secret CIA operative, but it boils down to your date doing most of the talking.
You want to give your date the maximum amount of information possible but take minimum time.
You also want to get the maximum amount of information from your date but take the minimum amount of time extracting it.
What do I mean?
- Mystery -Fellas. There is no need to go on a date worrying if a woman is attracted to you and jumping through hurdles to impress her. When a woman agrees to a date, you have passed the attraction test, but the first date is the first opportunity to kill attraction. Don’t go on a rant to answer simple questions. When she wants more details, she will ask.
- Extracting — Let her lead the talking, but don’t turn into the question master. Turn questions into stories. Something as simple as “What was the highlight of your weekend,” will generate a different answer than “How was your weekend?” “What’s the difference between here and your hometown,” is different than “Where are you from?”
Yes, the date is about both of you getting to know each other, but the more women have the space to talk, the quicker you will get to the comfortability stage.
Follow through
Your follow-up game has to be strong. Yes, the “let me know when you’re home safe” and “I had a good time” are standard, but there is a way to spice that up.
Depending on how you approach the follow-up, interest can stay at its current rate, or you can boost it up and get some bonus points.
I’ve dropped insight into the XYZ method for following up to ask for a second date.
The standard format should always be, “I remember you said you like X. Do you want to do Y on Z day.”
Another way to follow up strongly is to curate a date where the focus is on each other, and you can be face-to-face. Yes, contrary to date number one.
You want the second date to sound like it can be more intimate, with an opportunity to have face-to-face interaction.
Remember, we are getting to know someone new. You want to increase the investment, drinks, and small bites and go over the playful feel of a first date.
…
I know it feels like a lot of thought needs to go into a first and second date. The momentary work can go a long way in the future.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Tim Foster on Unsplash