I bet you’re thinking that you need to talk to her more and convey your feelings better.
Men are conditioned from a young age to believe that fixing a sexless relationship requires a good amount of talking between two parties, and then only after we properly express our feelings to her that she will open up her arms in undying love.
Stop. Stop it now. For all that is holy.
There’s nothing more unattractive to a woman than her partner begging for sex. I know, I’ve been through it before myself and the more I pleaded with her the more she recoiled in disgust. Yes, I have been down the path of asking my friends and trawling google for the sacred answers of somehow if I learn how to fix a sexless relationship then all will be well. Turns out my friends didn’t have a clue and google just confirmed my biases. It wasn’t any help at all.
Do you remember what attracted her to you in the first place? Could you just imagine her reaction if after a few dates you were doing this? Begging for her sex? Yep, makes sense doesn’t it?
I know, though, it’s not your fault. It’s no-one’s fault. Like me, you were more than likely sold into this notion that men need to be more expressive and talk with their partners to have any success with them inside and out of the bedroom. I was one of these men from a very young age. My mum would sit me down and tell me to always be open and tell the truth. These are good moral standards, but it doesn’t always work in the realms of sex – as most of you reading this will know.
Remember, it could be something physical
My wife has been recovering from a hysterectomy for the last two years. Am I having sex? Well, the answer is no. I wouldn’t strain her with this type of emotional pressure when her entire bottom half of her body feels like a knife has been thrust up there when we try. And it’s definitely not for the lack of effort. So, we’re being patient until she fully heals. I’ve been told to pleasure myself in other ways, which is acceptable for me. Remember, if it’s a physical problem then I’d recommend at least having a check in with the doctors to make sure. You never know.
I loved Jordan Peterson’s book 12 rules for life. He’s widely associated with telling boys to “clean your room.” It teaches men to be personally responsible and accountable for their actions, and men like that do well in this world.
One thing I believe is that you should not be focusing on what she is doing wrong, you first must take stock of what you are doing wrong. You can’t get to a solution before looking at what your personal shortfalls are. Let’s talk about mine. Mine was laziness.
My wife is a kitchen goddess when it comes to cleanliness and housework and I am her exact polar opposite. For years I would just dismiss her concerns about my untidiness as her being a worry-wart. You see, in my mind, tidiness and cleanliness weren’t up there with my top priorities in life. My wife, on the other hand, it’s central to her. By me dismissing her concerns as her just being “neurotic,” it didn’t make her feel good about herself, and in turn, didn’t make her feel sexy.
It’s not that I didn’t value what she was telling me, it’s just that what she was telling me it wasn’t a big deal in my mind, so it’s couldn’t have been “that bad.” Sadly, I was mistaken.
You see, a relationship is give and take, and your ideals and concerns are important, as are hers. One of the most important things in her life, cleanliness, and I was just rolling my eyes and telling her that she was too clean for her own good. I think one day I made an off the cuff remark about her being able to find a speck of dust from 2 miles away. That didn’t go well.
See where I’m going with this? Sex is hugely important to me, but why should she do anything when I’m not listening to the hugely important parts of her life?
It doesn’t exactly play out like this in real life, but these are what we are saying to each other subconsciously. In my world, I was acting if I was the center of the universe. Her world was my world, her values were my values. I hadn’t generally learned to remove myself from the situation yet.
As soon as I started, “tidying my room,” as Jordan Peterson would say, then my sex life went through the damn roof. We were at it at least three times a week, which I think as a married couple with kids who are knackered all the time, that’s pretty damn good. I started listening to what she said, complained about, and worried about, and fixed it through time.
But please, don’t take away from this that you need to be tidier around the house, because it’s not my partner we are talking about, it’s YOUR partner, and she’s so totally not like my wife in any shape or form. People are wildly different. So, her concerns may be radically different from my wife’s. The core message you need to take away from this is that you need to listen to her and act upon what she has said.
She’s not moaning at you for nothing. Look at what you could do better and improve it.
Kids? Hefty work life? Whatever’s keeping you apart try and stop for a moment and focus on what truly matters. You and her. It would be great for me to say take her on an all-expenses trip to a faraway exotic land, but chances are if your life is anything like mine, then it isn’t a fairy tale.
Yes, if you have the spare money to do this then awesome, but if you don’t then just try and make some room in the relationship for just the both of you. It really doesn’t need to be a night out dressed up, it could just be a night in with the lights dimmed, your favorite takeout and your favorite episode on TV — as long as you’re spending alone time as just yourselves and with each other. My wife and I make a point of spending alone time for an hour a night with each other, just to feel like a couple again, however short that may be.
I lost my libido for an entire three months a couple of years ago. Work, stress, kids, I pretty much felt like the entire world was collapsing in on me. I was just too stressed. I say to take breaks from regular schedule because sometimes life does get on top of you, and it sucks, and we need to unwind from time to time from the stressors of the daily grind.
If you’re trying all of the above and you get nowhere…
Then I’d suggest some form of relationship counseling if you have that option and she is willing to go down that route with you.
The trick is to listen, and not look to retaliate, but take on board what she is saying. She wants you to listen. So, do it, and act upon it.
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I'm a man that's been through the pitfalls and elations of life in my ever growing quest to better my knowledge in the human condition. I've been in the game and around the Internet since 1996 and surprisingly I'm still using it today. I've definitely found myself in some wonderful places and I hope to share all of this with you lucky people. Learn more at therelationshipblogger.com.
