< silence >
I never felt insecure in a relationship until him.
We met online and it was a perfect match from the start. Our first date was the longest I had ever had and at the end, unknown to me, he canceled a date for the following week and told her he met someone he wanted to commit to.
When he asked me to delete the dating app we met on, I happily obliged, touched that he was making me his girlfriend so quickly.
And so we were off and running as a new couple. But it didn’t take long for me to feel the twinges of something I had never felt before.
Insecurity.
Something was missing.
Transactionally, the relationship was great. We talked every day, saw each other every week and to my surprise — had lunch with his parents.
And yet, I had no idea how he felt about me. He liked me, I knew that for sure, but he seemed… unaffected by me.
I never heard him compliment me. Despite many evenings of us dressing up and going out to nice restaurants or special events, he rarely did more than give me a quick glance of what I guessed was approval.
I dismissed it under the assumption that he was simply not impressed. He was a highly stylish interior designer with a wardrobe of top designers. His former girlfriend was a wealthy woman who had the means to wear a $5,000 outfit on any given Tuesday.
I knew I dressed well, but perhaps it wasn’t quite good enough to wow him.
When he gazed across the table at me during romantic dinners, or when we did toasts at each meal, his words were brief and simple — void of anything that touched my heart. The lack of romantic sentiment from him left me feeling awkwardly friend-zoned.
I didn’t know what to think.
…
Breaking away
Few things are more awkward than asking your boyfriend if he finds you attractive or desirable. At first, I procrastinated on doing so.
I didn’t want a fake, enthused, obligatory response validating me. If I was too skinny for his taste, I didn’t really want to hear it. If he was still pining after his ex, I didn’t need to know.
As I tried to figure out how to broach an incredibly awkward conversation with him, I noticed something else. I was starting to emotionally disconnect from him.
And one thing was accelerating that.
When I went out alone or with friends, I was getting plenty of compliments — the kind I longed to get from my boyfriend. They came from other men, women, even strangers, and potential love interests.
One night while talking with an acquaintance, he made it clear that he would love to have a woman like me as his girlfriend.
Inside of 30 seconds, he murmured that I was the whole package — beautiful, sexy, talented, smart, insightful, feminine, witty — a woman he would be proud to have by his side and to call his own.
I wasn’t sure how my boyfriend felt about me, or what he even liked about me, but I suddenly knew what this man felt about me — even though he only knew me casually from social media and several brief interactions.
This may sound crazy, but at that moment, I felt more “secure” with this other man than I did with the man I was committed to. Simply because he made it clear that he held me in high regard, and would treasure me from what he knew of me thus far.
What makes me feel safe and secure is knowing where I stand with someone.
Whether a friend or a lover, I like knowing that we are connected for the right reasons. Ideally, a shared respect, admiration, and appreciation that is sincere and deep.
He always knew how I felt about him — I was very vocal in complimenting him in every area of his life.
I realized that I had no idea why he was with me.
…
The words must come out
The next time I saw that boyfriend, we had that awkward conversation. Although he immediately professed that he did feel all the things I had hoped for, he acknowledged that he simply doesn’t vocalize them.
He thought all these beautiful thoughts about me but didn’t say them out loud.
As I nodded slowly and appreciatively, taking this in, my mind flashed back to what the other man had said to me the evening before, and how beautifully he had articulated it to me.
Without being asked.
…
We need to hear the words
That boyfriend did his best to be more vocal after that talk. But I found my mind wandering and heart disconnecting as I realized that other men were much more effusive about their reactions to me.
The relationship was short-lived. In the end, as he realized that I had checked out and was unhappy enough to move on, he confessed all the things I wished he had told me sooner. I was the most important person in his world. I was the first thing he thought about when he woke up and the last thing he thought about as he fell asleep. I was everything to him.
But I had no idea.
And he told me all this after I was ready to move on.
…
The fatal mistake
A woman loves to be complimented every day. We never tired of it. Remind us of why you chose us. It helps us feel safe and secure in our union with you.
If she is an amazing, beautiful, talented, and good-hearted woman, I guarantee that if she isn’t hearing compliments and admiration from you, she is likely hearing them from someone else. And if she hears more appreciation from another man than she does from you… that might get her attention in ways you don’t want.
And the same goes for women… your man better be getting more adoration and appreciation from you than he does from other women.
People who feel safe and secure in their relationship, and know where they stand with their person, tend to stay put.
Our actions matter — perhaps those will be what matters most.
But the words carry weight for most people. We want words and actions to be aligned in order to truly feel peace in our hearts.
So speak up — because while silence is disconnecting, the right words have the power to bond us together. ❤
🙋🏻♀️ I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments — chime in!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Drew Hays on Unsplash
