Men in the Movement and Twin Peaks

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Last night I went to a Men in the Movement workshop put on by Rape Victims Advocates (RVA). And then I went to meet a bunch of guy friends at Twin Peaks. It’s a long story – sort of. Ever since I learned about RVA’s Men in the Movement workshops, I knew I needed to go. My oldest daughter had awakened me to my own sexism and even misogyny and I knew I had to learn more. And then came the invite to go to Twin Peaks for beer with the guys I play basketball with and I thought – can I really do that? Maybe I should send a note saying, “Hey guys, I’ll come and drink beer but not at a place that openly exploits women’s bodies to sell more beer!” Well that email was never sent and yes, I ended up at Twin Peaks after a gut-wrenching workshop exploring the impact of sexism and misogyny in activism.

First the workshop. When I got to the workshop, held in a small coffee-shop on the near north side of Chicago, the first thing I noticed was there were more women than men. I guess I was expecting a male only conversation or maybe one where there would be a few women, you know, guys working with guys to confront our own biases and even hatred of women and the feminine. Instead this was a discussion and workshop about the misogyny and sexism of men in a mixed group of men and women. So, I put my expectations aside and settled in.

We created “Brave-Space Agreements” and then worked in small groups to respond to a few questions about our perceptions of what misogyny in activism looks like, what its impact are on movements, and what we might do about that. Ultimately, the conversation was about sexism and misogyny in our society as we found that whatever these look like, their impacts, and our responses in the context of activism applied more broadly to society as a whole. And in order to really see this stuff, personal examples were required.

I gave an example of a report out I was giving at a Standing Up for Racial Justice Chapter meeting where a young woman challenged one of the points I had made and I pretty much just shut her down by citing the data to support my contention and rightness. As I shared this I wondered with the group what it might have been like for that young woman as I dismissed her and then piled on with evidence of her being wrong. A few women jumped in with other examples of how men like to use data to amplify their power at the expense of others’ experiences – whether or not they have hard data to back them up. I realized that I do that all the time – I can hear myself saying, where’s the data?

At one point a man wondered out loud about the kinds of things that might happen to men that would cause them to be able to see sexism and actually want to do something about that. I shared the story of how my daughter had helped me see my sexism in relation to my response to her being harassed in school. “You just have to ignore him. He’s a stupid adolescent boy.” I also shared how lucky I am to have a daughter that would hold up that mirror for me. And then a young woman shared having a similar experience with her father and then asked me, “can you imagine what you would be like if you didn’t have her? I mean what if you didn’t have daughters at all, what if you had sons?” CRAP!

I suddenly realized just how fragile or serendipitous my journey has been. If I didn’t have daughters, I surely wouldn’t have been at that meeting last night.

I also realize now that the cards are stacked against this kind of thing ever happening to most men. You have to be lucky enough to have people to challenge you and hold that mirror up in a manner that encourages you to look. And you have to be willing to step outside of everything that is designed to keep you looking in the other direction – and there is a whole lot of stuff that is designed to do just that – and look at reality in a more authentic way. And if you do these things you will have the chance to see what is and it will disrupt most of what you have learned from parents, friends and other teachers and institutions you loved and trusted for most of your life. Like that is something most people want to do.

It is little wonder that we turn away.

OK so I’m thinking about all this stuff on my way to Twin Peaks and I start to think about the irony of it all. Here I am in one space sharing my deep dark and very recent and sexist past and working to see that and address that – so I don’t have to be that – while on my way to another space where I will be sharing in the objectifying of scantily clad women, go figure. I can only speak for myself, but I was really much more focused on the beer and the sports and the conversations with my brothers than on the objectifying and lusting after part. Right? Right!

There was a point in this irony that I considered not going to one or the other space, mostly the one with the women and beer and bros. I mean, how can I do both things in one night or even a better question is how can I be both things? A man wanting to wake up to his sexism and treat women as equally valued human beings and a man that participates in the objectification of women? The human answer might be that I can’t help but be both. For I am a man who grew up and was socialized into a society that objectifies and who has friends who grew up that way, too. And I am also a man who aspires to do better.

Originally published on whatichoosetosee
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