I started this series with the goal of asking and thinking about what it means to be a man in today’s society. Over the past few weeks, I’ve talked about the #MeToo moment in the context of an awakening to, or realization of, the world women inhabit, mostly due to the boorish behavior and attitudes of men.
Today I can put it off no longer. We can’t talk about what it means to be a man without discussing sex.
Talking (writing) about this publicly is not easy. But if I am to become a better man, and other men wish to join me in that pursuit, then we can’t ignore our attitudes and relationship to sex.
Besides, part of the effort and intention here is simply to have the conversation, a conversation that is not just overdue, but needed for us to grow and mature as people who understand our sexual personality. Once we can do that for ourselves, we can better relate to others. So that’s what I focus on here: not sex itself, but talking about sex. (Later I plan on focusing on what it means to be a sexual partner.)
If it’s difficult, awkward, scary, uncomfortable, tied to emotions, desires, wants, fantasies, and especially wrapped up in sex, men are bad at talking about it.
I’m generalizing, of course, but I don’t think I’m too far off. Men have few patterns of behavior or role models to follow as a guide to talking about sex, either with their partners, their family or their friends.
As boys, what we learn about sex comes from what we might get at school (which is either too preachy or too clinical), from the media (which is distorted and rooted in commercialism and fantasy), and from coarse, immature, shallow conversations with friends who, like us, are going through puberty and grappling to understand what it means to be a sexual being.
A woman friend once asked me what my guy friends and I talk about when we talk about sex. I had no answer. We don’t, I said.
It’s a binary conversation. For those married or in a long-term relationship, it’s ‘are you having it, or aren’t you?’ For those single and dating, it’s ‘did you fuck her yet, and if not, how soon will you?’
It’s simplistic, banal, superficial and toxic. Most disappointingly, it does not evolve much over time, if it happens at all, which it usually doesn’t.
And that has two pernicious side effects: first, it leaves sex in men’s minds as an accomplishment, something to attain, and attaches a status signifier between those who and aren’t sexually active. There is nothing about sexual pleasure for ourselves, nothing about how our opinions and feelings about sex have changed or evolved, not even any exploration of what sex means to us and how we can make it better. There is no imbuing our sexuality as a means of expression or as a core part of our holistic selves.
Second, it completely ignores the existence of our sexual partners, and that we need to take into account their experience, from courtship to physical intimacy. This goes beyond, but obviously includes, all matters related to consent. (That said, the mentality of sex as accomplishment, as conquest, as something to attain rather than share, is fuel for the aggressive, inappropriate, impersonal and even illegal behavior many men engage in during the “pursuit” of sex).
Framing sex as something for ourselves and our own enjoyment diminishes, if not eliminates, our capacity to be aware of our partners’ feelings and pleasure. As we move beyond the fumbling and awkwardness of youth and having sex for the first time, we need to evolve and grow and get better at participating in sex, just like we try to improve in every other aspect of our lives.
There is just an absence, a total void, of frank conversation about sex among men. Like every other areas of their lives, boys and young men need to be taught, need examples, need to learn by watching others.
But without anywhere to turn, how are men, even of adult age, to know or learn about getting better at sex, being a better, responsive, supportive partner? How do we even learn to get comfortable talking about sex, with each other, and then, ultimately, our partners?
I started reading “Sex: A Man’s Guide” by Stefan Bechtel, Laurence Roy Stains, and the editors of Men’s Health Books. It’s a long but easy (and outdated in parts) read on everything you can think of related to sex. On the very first page of the introduction, there is this stark and brutal truth:
“…Sex talk among guys is mostly winks and nods, bravado and innuendo…For some reason, despite that we live in a culture absolutely saturated with sex (or at least the kind of faux sex used in advertising), Americans — and especially men — don’t really talk to each other honestly about it. ‘Men do not have anyone to talk to about their sex lives…everyone wants to know and to share, but not with anyone they know,’ one 72-year-old farmer told us.”
72 years old…and no one to talk to about sex. And don’t giggle about the farmer part. You know it’s just as true in New York City.
There is no conversation about the quality of our sex lives.
There is none — and I want to be clear — none (not just not enough, not occasionally but rarely, not many years ago but not anymore) but zero talk about how to be a loving, giving, respectful sexual partner.
There is some talk, mostly from school or authority figures or what you can get in the media, on consent, but even that is lacking and doesn’t go nearly far enough and is too infrequent. That, at least, seems to be changing a little thanks to #MeToo.
As to how to please a partner, about what to do and what to say, hell, even on the most basic mechanics of sex, there is nothing. No teaching, no talking, no sharing, no learning. There is the movies, there is what you might find online. And that’s it.
I believe this education gap in learning how to communicate about sex, and what it means to adopt a healthy, sex-positive attitude for ourselves and our partners, is at the root of our cultural sexual dysfunction. It leaves men focused on conquest and orgasm, and nothing in between or beyond that.
Our real estate, our cars, our kids, our careers — these things we can go into detail on. But with sex it’s an empty vacuum.
That vacuum, groomed from puberty and teenage years and then continued into our sexual awakening as adults, is dangerous. It stunts our sexual growth and our understanding of who we are as sexual beings. It prevents us from being comfortable about even thinking of ourselves as sexual beings. All we are taught is we are supposed to have sex, maybe, in a best case, with someone we love. And don’t forget to use a condom.
So what happens? By the time we start having sex, and then enter serious relationships, we lag behind in sexual maturity in a big way.
The consequences of this are enormous, and go beyond our intimate relationships. It infects the way we think about sex, distorting our view of women.
It’s when men have a goal-oriented or attainment-oriented view of sex (Did you get laid? Did you fuck her?), that men perpetuate their perception of women as sexual objects, thus damaging the way we interact and behave not just with our sexual partners but with women generally.
For this to change, our sexual education, be it formal from school or informal from our families and friends, must be so much more expansive. The sense of shame and embarrassment that arises when talking about sex is something both men and women must unfortunately grapple with. But we must overcome that if we are to adopt healthy attitudes and perspectives of sex.
Most importantly, we must learn how to talk about it. We need to be presented, from an early age, but then continuously through adolescence and adulthood, with the idea that talking about sex is normal.
As kids, we have so many questions about sex. We yearn to know more about our bodies — and the bodies of others. We want to know where we came from, and how.
When we hit puberty, we grapple with understanding the changes in our bodies, and in our minds. Why, now, seemingly overnight, is there an interest in sex?
And you know what? Having questions about sex and our bodies never goes away. How many of us, at one point or another, asked ourselves, “Is this normal?” or “Does this happen to others?” As we age, and our perceptions andexperience with sex and life evolves, and our bodies continue to change, we still have questions. The answers are there, I suppose, through Google or your doctor’s office.
But we fail to take advantage of the cultural sexual wisdom of others. Want to know how to fix a clogged drain or where to find a good contractor? Crowdsource that question on Facebook or a group text, and you’re set.
Need honest ideas on rejuvenating your sex life with your partner of 20 years, or new to dating again for the first time in 10 years and have questions about it? Curious to know if what you are experiencing sexually is normal or common? Most likely it is…but you would never know that unless you talked to someone about it.
It’s easier said than done. I’ve hardly ever had any frank sexual conversations with anyone other than my partner (although that’s a pretty good place to start) and a therapist (not bad, but not as fun as talking with friends, and also expensive over time, but still very helpful).
Sometimes you just need someone to talk to. Men often are isolated, without bonded friendships they can to turn to for advice or counsel, in all matters, not just sex. But sexuality, specifically, remains, if not taboo, then at least functionally off the table as a topic of conversation.
No one wins in this atmosphere. Not us as men, not our friends, and certainly not our partners.
Sex is normal. Being sexual is normal. Having questions about sex, at any age, is normal. I just wish we could talk about it more.
Have any feedback? I can be reached at scottmgilman @ gmail.com.
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A version of this post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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