Here’s your one-stop syllabus for combatting (and/or joining) Internet Trolls.
The internet is much like your favorite armchair in that it has been taken over by cats and can be broken by Kim Kardashian’s buttocks. It is as diverse as the Amazon rainforest. If, much like the Amazon, you’d like to set it on fire, then this is the course for you, a course that reaffirms the truth—that there is only one idea about any topic that is accurately correct and that’s yours. Sign up below to attain elite status as a Certified Internet Troll®.
- An intellect on par with an expiring sea cucumber.
- The fortitude to dwell solely in comments sections and your grandmother’s water heater closet.
- Durable Keyboard.
- Unchecked rage.
Expectations and Goals
Throughout this course, you will learn to:
Unit 1. Generalize large flocks of people (extra credit for terminology such as “you women people” or “alls you fuckers”.) You will learn to specifically target lesser lifeforms, which include all seven billion asshats on this stationary cube we call earth (minus you).
Unit 2. Shackle yourself to your misery. You will learn to evade pandas frolicking in the snow, soldiers returning to their families, and adorable hedgehogs, remaining eternally focused on shit you want to punch in the face. This section of the course includes a Certified Internet Troll® recipe for homemade haterade (which you can drink from a Camelbak® so as not to impede your hate mongering keyboard thumps.)
Unit 3. Embrace your superfluous anger. Not only will you learn about shouty capitals and Certified Internet Troll® catch phrases like, “I’m not a racist but…”, “you peeple”, “Just sayin”, “Put on your Big Girl panties”, “Get a life/over it people”, and “Are you kidding me?!!” you will also master rampant abuse of the phrase “Actually…”. For those who have difficulty tapping into their rage, we have patented methods to help, including Cattle Prod Therapy™ and virtual reality scenarios involving your mother in law.
Unit 4. Hijacking and the conflation of two separate issues. For example, while desecrating the comment section of a Girl Scout fundraising blog post, you bring up the timely issue of abortion, gun control or your fury at the ending of Gone Girl.
Unit 5. Argue mercilessly with the “author”/“expert” without educating yourself on the matter or even a shred of comprehension (advanced honor roll Troll variation: argue off topic until original post is stripped from internet). Reading the article itself is discouraged. You will gain the confidence to comment as an Internet Troll Certified® expert on the posted topic, whether tectonic evolution of the Southern Central Asian Orogenic Belt or vaginal seeding.
Unit 6. Express unbridled hatred toward people outside your grandmother’s water heater closet. They are different and should not be allowed to express their thought bubbles. This may include people of color, women, people in the trans community, women, people of color, botanists, origami enthusiasts and unicorns (we’re sure they’re real, there is too much written about them online for this not to be the case). Your favorite flavor of Pringles is Zesty Xenophobia!
Unit 7. Nicknames. Your anonymous identity and subsequent lack of conviction in your remarks is the hallmark of a troll. We will help you find a suitable pseudonym to compliment your hard-boiled Twitter egg or profile picture of a honey badger wearing Spanx. Examples include “H8tin On Ufools” and “Kickass Vagitarian.”
Unit 8. Develop your bullheadedness. By the time you are Internet Troll Certified®, you will have the patience of a horny hippo. We will also cover “hair trigger” training, which heightens your sensitivity so that everything on and above earth becomes an insult to you. This might include positivity, humor, pregnancy announcements, the Olympics and candy corn. You will also learn to become insulted on other people’s behalves.
Unit 9. Develop the skills to misinterpret the intention of every word and meaning of everything on the internet. You will sail passed points and into the murky waters of misconception. In this part of the course we will stress the importance of not reading the article you are arguing about. This is the part of the Troll certification where you will be stripped of any dangling shreds of good taste, decency, and your ability to detect humor.
Unit 10. You will learn how to use your religious beliefs to oppress and shame the masses. Anything, including a picture of your pork belly ramen, can be turned into a theological battle. If you do not have a religion, don’t worry, we will assign one to you.
Unit 11. Targeting. You will learn which specific groups (the Certified Troll® term is actually “lumps”) of people you should seek out to harass. Some lumps include—but are not exclusive to—young woman, women of color, trans women, old women, women of “offensive” size, men in good shape, successful men, men who support women, people from other countries/cultures/cities/houses, famous people, non famous people, people with ideas, individuals with hair, positive role models, those who own Persian cats, loafers, tweezers, parakeets, herb gardens and people who are living their dreams/doing positive things with their lives. Disclaimer: there are many other lumps that should be harassed, our course will help you identify them.
At the end of your course, you will be given a multiple choice test to determine your lack of emotional stability and ensure that your grammar has deteriorated to the precise level of a brine shrimp.
An uptight toot cabbage who is writing about a deplorable third world place with furry fruit and Hobbits has written “Norway is a very modern country, it’s abundance of space and long distances make it ideal for the self-reliant traveller.”
Do you respond with:
❏ How pleasant.
❏ Shut Up.
❏ Die you commie butthole
By the end of the course you will be able to:
Declare yourself a certified expert on every topic on earth, swinging like a rabid gibbon from comment section to comment section, defecating on the ideals of journalists, dreamers, and respiring people. Although there are a gajillion things you could be enjoying on the internet, your new Certified Troll® training will enable you to focus solely on nuking logic.
You’ll be able to throw the Second Amendment in everyone’s face and proclaim yourself a “free speech warrior” every four and a half seconds. Bonus skills include your new ability to discredit every Guardian article ever written and plague its journalists with hatred generally reserved for fascist dictators and turkey bacon.
We often find that our brightest students take on literal troll qualities, such as living under a bridge, developing facial warts, emitting ghastly odors, and the inability to expand their friend pool beyond three starving goats.
The School Of Internet Trolls. A storm of shit is at your fingertips™.
Feel free to Comment below! Trolls allowed, granted they read this first.
Photo: Eirik Solheim/Flickr
Kira Jane Buxton’s piece first appeared on her HuffPost Comedy Blog.