I spent an extraordinary day with a group of women therapists who were talking about how to stop “helping” their partners. They “help” their husbands by trying to persuade or coerce them into taking better care of themselves without ever challenging them directly, being critical or saying anything that might make them feel bad about themselves. They “help” by intervening with the kids to smooth things out when the kids are upset disappointed with their father. They “help” by hiding their own unhappiness and the ways they feel not seen, not understood and not loved by their husbands. I put the word “help” in quotation marks to reflect these women’s awareness that their efforts to help are a double-edged sword that does both people in the relationship as much harm as good.
These women are well aware of the ways in which they “help,” and resent that they don’t see an alternative because they can’t envision any other way to get what they need in the relationship. Their husbands, on the other hand, are largely unaware of the ways in which their wives “help” them. Their wives “help” them so seamlessly that it is as taken for granted as the air they breathe. They are only likely to recognize how much “help” they are getting in the panic they feel at the thought of their wives withdrawing any part of that help.
As I sat and listened to these women, I was deeply moved and impressed by their courage in speaking truths about themselves and about their relationships that had the potential to significantly disrupt their lives. I was struck by how loving and generous they were, and their integrity in talking almost entirely about themselves and their issues, and resisting the temptation to blame or criticize their husbands. As the only man in the room, I also felt embarrassed. Sadly, I thought that if this was a group of men talking about their wives, there would likely be far more blaming and criticism and far less struggling with their own contribution to the problems.
As a man, it’s much easier for me to not succumb to the temptation to “help” my partner because men are not socialized to be helpful in the way that women are. At the same time, as a man, it is more challenging for me to be as generous and loving with the women in my life as they often are with me. I appreciate what I learn from women about how to be generous and loving in relationships, and do what I can to share that with other men.
***
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Avrum G. Weiss, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who sees individuals and couples for psychotherapy online. Dr. Weiss is recognized nationally for his pioneering work on the process of change in individuals and organizations. He is the author of three books and hundreds of articles, published here on The Good Men Project, Psychology Today, and elsewhere.
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These women are well aware of the ways in which they “help,” and resent that they don’t see an alternative because they can’t envision any other way to get what they need in the relationship. Their husbands, on the other hand, are largely unaware of the ways in which their wives “help” them. Their wives “help” them so seamlessly that it is as taken for granted as the air they breathe. They are only likely to recognize how much “help” they are getting in the panic they feel at the thought of their wives withdrawing any part of that help.
