My A-Z of Parenting Lessons

I thought I’d give myself a little challenge.

I’ve got five daughters.

I’ve got 16 years of experience of doing this parenting thing.

Can I come up with an A-Z of parenting?

Here goes …

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A — Accomplishment. If you can get your kids to do anything you want them to, then take it as an accomplishment. It’s not easy training little minds, especially when they don’t want to be trained and just want to scream and eat chocolate.

B — Babies, bottles, breasts. Babies want to get fed. If they don’t take it one way, they will the other, and either way is fine. Don’t sweat it!

C — Cuddly toys. Yes, you can have too many. You don’t need to buy one on every single family outing or holiday. And if your child has a favorite, make sure you’ve got a spare one handy just in case.

D — Dinner time. Try to get them to eat everything you can, and don’t give up after a quarter of a teaspoon’s worth. Try again, and again, and again. You do not want fussy eaters because they ruin everyone’s dinner.

E — Education. It’s important, don’t get me wrong, but not all kids learn the same way, get inspired the same way, or develop the same way. Don’t get caught up on whether your kids is top of the class. Focus on whether they’re doing the best for them.

F — Feelings. You’ll forget so much of the detail of your children’s lives as time goes on, but you don’t lose the feelings you have for them. It’s hard work being a parent, and the lows can be really low, but the highs are so high that it’s probably worth it.

G — Grand parents. Get your kids to spend as much time as they can with their grand parents. They respect them more. They can learn so much. The relationship is full of so much love. And it gives you a break.

H — Hamsters. You will be asked for one at some point and your child will tell you they will look after it. THEY WILL NOT. Do not give in. Same applies to fish, gerbils, rabbits, cats, dogs, terrapins, snakes, basically any pet.

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I — Idiots. Your kids will be idiots at times. It’s normal. It doesn’t mean they need diagnosing. They’re little people, and all people are idiots.

J — Journeys. Plan the journey from what they will be doing to entertain themselves to when they can eat and what they’ll have. You don’t want your journey to be punctuated every 2 minutes with questions.

K — Kicking. And pinching, and punching, will go on between any of your children if you’re lucky to have more than one. It’s normal … usually. But just make sure one of them doesn’t think they are Jackie Chan.

L — Love. Don’t worry, I’m not going soft. You love your kids to bits, but it’s OK to think they are little shits at times. Don’t feel guilty about it. You don’t love them any less.

M — Money. Make them understand that it doesn’t grow on trees, that you need to work hard to get it, and everything costs way more than they think it does. This is one of the top three things you need to teach them before they leave your care.

N — No. The word you will say more than any other in your life. Get used to it.

O — Outside. Outside is your friend. Fresh air and space and get the kids out of your immediate vicinity to give you a break, but it also makes them sleep as if you’ve drugged them. Try to get them outside whenever you can.

P — Pain. Kids have pain all the time, or at least they tell you that they do. This bit hurts, that bit aches, there’s a scratch behind here, and a new lump over there. This usually only causes them a problem when a) it’s nearly bed time, b) you want them do to something for you. Don’t fall for it.

Q — Quizzes. Get them doing the odd quiz on YouTube. They want to show you how clever they are, so they might sit still for 15 minutes and it will feel like you’re educating them (even if you nod off in the middle of it)

R — Rubbish. Get them to clean their own rubbish away. You’re the parent not the maid. It’s preparing them for life where they need to pick up after themselves.

S — Somersaults. Never to be allowed by the edge of a swimming pool. Especially on your last day of holiday in France.

T — Toys. See cuddly toys.

U — Underwear. It can be found virtually anywhere, from behind TVs to under a pillow. Why they don’t just take it off and put it in the wash I don’t know. I think they like flicking it off their feet and then get distracted by something with sequins on it.

V — Volume. Pick a number that the TV volume should never go over and stick to it. If you don’t you’ll have Power Rangers booming around your entire house.

W — Wet. Kids will spend a large portion of their childhood wet. Wet bums. Wet socks. Wet hair. Wet trousers. Regular baths and showers. Daily face cleaning. Buy some hand cream for yourself.

X — X-ray, of course. Kids can actually sit still for and x-ray. And if they can sit still for that they can also do it at the dinner table, or in the car, or on the bus.

Y — Yoghurt. They will eat their body weight in it, so make sure you’ve got it handy.

Z — Zoo. Bloody expensive but usually a lovely day out. Get there early. Take a picnic. Count your kids before and after entering the reptile house.

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Previously published on “A Parent Is Born”, a Medium publication.

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