My Best Advice on How to Get over Someone... (Or Get Them Back!)

Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

When We Want Someone Back

If you are in pain right now because the love of your life ended things with you and you want them back, this video is for you. I will discuss what it might take to get someone back and how we can use this advice to also move on.

For those who don’t know me, I am Matthew Hussey, a coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence. For the last 17 years, I have been helping people find love. Welcome back to the channel! Don’t forget to like this video, subscribe if you haven’t already, and hit the notification bell so you’re alerted the next time I release a video.

I don’t normally talk about this subject for obvious reasons. It is an extremely sensitive topic, and it can be questionable whether we should ever want someone back, especially if that person didn’t treat us right. However, there are relationships where things ended for reasons that could potentially shift.

The beautiful thing is that everything I share will also help you get over them. I have divided this video into three parts, and before I get into that, let me tell you a quick story.

I once coached a man who broke up with someone he had been with for many years. He felt that she was no longer right for him due to some significant issues that had nothing to do with her character. Eventually, he made a clean break to explore what else was out there.

In the wake of the breakup, both of them suffered. She felt she had lost the love of her life, while he felt the pain of missing her constantly. Despite this pain, he never reinitiated the relationship—until one day, ten months later, when they met up again and he saw something that made him reconsider everything.

Part 1: What Happens in a Breakup

When someone breaks up with us, it is devastating, especially when we love that person. It feels like we have lost the one thing in the world that we need for our happiness. We can’t breathe, we can’t eat, we can’t sleep; our world is falling apart.

In this state of obsession, which is not unlike the excitement we feel in early dating, we believe that this person holds the keys to our happiness. We had envisioned a future with them, a reality where we existed together. Now, that reality is shattered.

The only difference in early dating is that we have far less evidence for that reality. We become obsessed and start ruminating, which often turns into a painful cycle. For many of you, this obsessive rumination feels like the absolute worst place to be.

In a breakup, we become connected to one thing: the loss we have experienced. Imagine you have a giant spotlight, and where you shine it determines your reality, the story you tell yourself, and how you feel. If you shine that spotlight on the loss of this person, you also shine it on what feels like the loss of your entire future.

This focus creates a narrative: “I have lost this person,” and the deeper story: “I have lost my whole future.” All the emotions that come with this—pain, desperation, obsession—stem from shining that spotlight on the breakup.

It’s common to have shone that spotlight on the relationship for the entire time you were together, believing it was the best, or even the only good thing in your life. In moments of anxiety, we often feel desperate until we resolve an argument or get reassurance from our partner.

Why emphasize this spotlight? Because where it goes determines our reality, story, and emotions. What happens in a breakup is that the spotlight is fixated on one area, when in fact, our lives are much bigger.

We have friends, family, and our inner world—our personal growth that exists independently of anyone else. It’s essential to reconnect with these other parts of our lives. Losing ourselves in friendships, family, or new interests is crucial to moving on.

Every aspect of your life is a universe of its own, with its own depth and story. It may feel unnatural to shift your focus, but it’s necessary.

In the beginning of dating, it’s vital to stay connected to everything else that is meaningful in our lives. When someone captures our attention, it’s easy to forget what else matters. This is the most dangerous moment in attraction: losing focus on the richness of your own world.

Never let anyone make you feel that your world is small without them. Stay connected to what enriches your life. If someone comes along who seems big and exciting, don’t let that distract you from the meaningful aspects of your own life.

You may have a fulfilling job, supportive friends, or hobbies that bring you joy. Just because someone else’s life looks splashier doesn’t diminish your own richness.

It’s common to forget how big and important our own lives are, especially during a breakup. There is a wonderful quote from the movie *A Man For All Seasons* that I included in my book, *Love Life*. Sir Thomas More advises an ambitious Richard Rich, who believes his worth depends on grand achievements.

More suggests that teaching could bring profound significance to his life, saying, “Why not be a teacher? You’d be a fine teacher, perhaps a great one.” The essence of this exchange illustrates that richness comes not just from big achievements or relationships, but from subtle connections and contributions.

Part 2: The Identity Matrix

Now, regarding the woman in that scenario: the danger is that she might spend months, maybe even years, shining the spotlight on him, thinking he is her entire world.

For those who have read my book, I discuss the “identity matrix.” This concept illustrates how our sense of self can become overly reliant on one source of validation—often a relationship, career, or even our looks.

The danger of having a dominant square in our identity matrix is that when it fades away, we not only feel the loss of that thing but also a sense of lost identity. The spotlight can grow to the detriment of other areas of our lives, suffocating relationships and causing anxiety.

When we rely on one aspect of our lives for our identity, we risk losing ourselves in the process.

Maybe we even lose the respect of the person we’re with. Ironically, in our identity matrix, the key to keeping a strong square is knowing that we have other squares that can support us if one were to ever go away. I think about this matrix like a tabletop, where the tabletop represents our confidence and the legs beneath it support that confidence.

If you only have one leg supporting your confidence—your relationship, for example—when that relationship goes away, it can feel like your entire confidence is shattered. However, by building up other squares in our matrix, we create additional sturdy legs under the table. This means that when we lose one leg, it can still hurt, and we can still grieve, but it won’t be catastrophic to our confidence or sense of self.

We need to honestly assess how much of our pain comes from the grief of losing someone important to us and how much stems from the fact that our entire identity and self-worth were built around that relationship. The important takeaway here is that our identity matrix significantly contributes to our unhappiness during a breakup and prolongs heartbreak.

However, we have full control over our identity matrix; it is malleable. We can change it. The woman in the story I’ve been sharing changed her identity matrix in crucial ways that had a significant impact.

During a breakup, one of the things that makes it so hard is how we focus solely on that one loss, neglecting other sources of richness and beauty in our lives. The identity matrix illustrates how we may have lost sight of these aspects, both during and after the relationship.

To begin feeling better, we should diversify our identity matrix away from that one square. My challenge to you is to do this in one of three ways:

Invest More in an Existing (but Atrophied) Square

First, identify a square in your matrix that has started to wither due to the focus you placed on the relationship. What in your life could flourish again if you invested more time and energy into it?

We value what we invest in. If you’re thinking you don’t value a particular area of your life, it’s likely because you haven’t been investing in it. When we start investing in something again, we tend to value it more.

One part of this challenge is to focus on reviving a square that has atrophied.

Create a Brand-New Square

The second way is to create a brand-new square in your matrix—something that has never existed before. Think about something you’ve always wanted to do, whether it’s taking a dance class, acquiring a new skill, or pursuing a new qualification.

This new square can provide a source of validation and meaning. It doesn’t need to be something you excel at; it simply needs to be an interest that brings richness and enjoyment into your life.

Reconnect With a Square You’ve Taken for Granted

The third part of this challenge involves reconnecting with something you already have but may have taken for granted. This could be a skill, a passion, or the love of certain people in your life.

For example, I once took my ability to public speak and write for granted. However, I now recognize that if I lost everything else, these skills would remain and provide me with a sense of security.

Ask yourself: What could these sources of confidence be for you? Perhaps you’ve taken the love and support of family and friends for granted. By shining a spotlight on these relationships, you may realize that you are richer than you thought.

Earlier, I mentioned a client who broke up with someone he had been with long-term. When they met again ten months later, he noticed something profoundly different about her. During that time, she had changed her identity matrix.

In their relationship, he often felt she lacked her own sense of purpose outside of him. However, she had since found a job that brought her joy and fulfillment, as well as a new community of friends.

When they reconnected, she shared her excitement about her new life, and he saw her in a new light. This change led to a brand-new relationship built on different terms and new attractions.

When you start doing things for yourself, there’s a chance that the qualities that attract someone back to you may also help you realize that you no longer need them. When you no longer need them, you can objectively assess whether you genuinely want them in your life.

For many, this shift in perspective reveals that the person they thought they needed may not actually be what they want.

If you find yourself wanting to meet someone new, I have something exciting for you: a brand-new free guide called “Spark & Connect.” This guide offers nine ways to start a conversation with someone new.

Don’t limit yourself to past relationships. Instead, expand your options and possibly find someone even better for you. To download the guide for free, visit whattosaynext.com.

Thank you for watching! I look forward to reading your comments. Don’t forget to download the guide before you go, and I’ll see you next week. Be well and love life!

—

This post was previously published on YouTube.

Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG

***