My Daughter Scolded Me for Ignoring a Homeless Man

She was only 10 years old at the time, but I remember the day vividly.

We stopped at a light on Speer Boulevard, on our way to the art museum just outside of downtown Denver. It was a bone-deep February cold outside, and it just started to drizzle a light snow.

A homeless man held up a sign at the intersection.

ANYTHING HELPS

I stared straight ahead, pretending I didn’t see him.

My daughter immediately chimed in.

“Aren’t you going to give something to him?”

I looked in my rear view. My impressionable daughter’s young eyes were locked on me in anticipation.

I quickly lowered my window and motioned for the homeless man, then handed him a $5 bill, with a feeling of self-disappointment.

Since the day my first child was born nearly 22 years ago, I have been keenly aware that kids are high-powered microscopes watching our every adult move. That their progression into adulthood was going to be determined more by how their mom and I behaved than how we told them to act.

For years I made sure to keep bottled water, breakfast bars and a stash of $1 bills in my car to hand to homeless people. On several occasions I took my daughter downtown so we could buy homeless people lunch or dinner.

Every time we stopped for a light, I at least handed out something. My kids witnessed all of that for years, even mentioning (without my prodding) their observations in school writing assignments.

Then I got complacent.

But because I had for years ingrained the conduct of helping others into my kids’ beautiful hearts and minds through my own actions, their values had been well-formed. Now they were reminding me about those values.

It’s never enough just to tell your kids to be kind and compassionate to the most vulnerable and struggling in society. We must show our children through behavior that caring doesn’t mean much if we don’t act on it. It doesn’t work to express words of sadness about the homeless population but then never lift a sad finger.

The same is true with race.

Despite the news’ obsession with Nazis and Proud Boys, most parents today tell their children not to be racist.

“Love all people” is a common phrase I hear among almost everyone I know. Left and right.

But those caring words, without real behavior, don’t do the trick.

As parents, we won’t raise kids to be lovers of all people if we don’t walk the walk.

Are our dinner tables all white?

Are our family functions all white?

Do our after-5:00 p.m. spaces regularly include people who are different from ourselves?

Have we invited our Black neighbors into our homes?

Do our kids have weekend play dates with Black or Latino kids in our homes?

Do they observe you phone your Black friends at night?

We can’t exactly expect kids not to end up harboring some negative views of others deep in their unconscious minds if they watch us as parents maintain a differences-free zone in our personal and intimate spaces.

It’s common sense, which my daughter says isn’t so common anymore.

Children have their parents’ every move under their microscopes. So, when they see few or no Jews, Arabs, Blacks or whatever among their parents’ friends, they’re left to draw one conclusion. Mommy and Daddy don’t really value those people as much as they claim to.

When we keep homogenous after-5 p.m. spaces, our kids are left with the deep impression that people who are different from ourselves don’t deserve a seat at our dinner tables. That they aren’t on the same social and worthiness plane as our families.

Don’t be racist. Don’t be racist. Don’t be racist. We tell them over and over.

Then our houses remain blindingly white.

Do the math.

You wanna make the world a better place? Take a look at your dinner tables and make a change.

Jeffrey Kass is an award-winning author, lawyer and speaker. His newest book, “Black Batwoman v. White Jesus,” is a collection of anti-racism essays aimed at eradicating our deep unconscious biases.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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