“Enter, stranger, but take heed
Of what awaits the sin of greed,
For those who take, but do not earn,
Must pay most dearly in their turn,
So if you seek beneath our floors
A treasure that was never yours,
Thief, you have been warned, beware
Of finding more than treasure there.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
I wish I’d posted that sign on my damned door before unwittingly letting in a thief.
We recently moved to a new neighbourhood and, having bought the house for an absolute steal (no pun intended) we intend to stay here for a while. We’re right near a playground and it’s a perfect little community for our kids to grow up in.
I’m thrilled. Mostly.
I say “mostly” because while the neighbourhood kids are “mostly” great kids, there are a few exceptions. And my daughter always makes friends with the world’s exceptions.
Okay; that sounds harsh. It’s not like these are bad kids, and anyway, aren’t we all a product of our upbringing, at least to some degree? They play nicely together, share their toys, and there has been minimal drama — all good things. It’s been fine.
Mostly.
Recently, a few of them have requested to play inside with my daughter, probably because there’s a whole new inventory of toys for them to play with and/or break together. I begrudgingly allowed them into my home (if you’re an introvert like me, you know) and I’m happy to report that everything has been fine.
Mostly.
A thief!
One of my daughter’s new friends is a quiet, introspective little dude.
I was originally a little weirded out by his constant side-eyeing and propensity for quietly watching his peers and the adults who parent them, but you know, I was a weird kid too. I turned out okay.
But then I started to get a string of texts from his mother telling me to “watch” my stuff because her little guy likes to steal things. “Mostly lighters and tools,” she said, off the cuff. She didn’t seem to be too concerned about it — I was even given permission to search his pockets, which I was absolutely not going to do.
I told her I would choose to instill my trust in the kid instead because I was confident that he wouldn’t do anything to harm his standing with his new best bud. He’d been hanging out at our house every day, after all, eating our food and playing with our best toys — there was no way he’d be stupid enough to risk losing that. I’d even overheard him saying that maybe, one day, the two of them could get married and then he’d be a part of our family.
I mean, awww. So much awwww.
You can therefore imagine my surprise when one day, a $20 torch lighter (my husband has a cigar habit) went missing from the exact place I’d seen the plucky little guy poking around not an hour earlier.
Nuts. No wedding today, kiddo.
I was crushed (and so was my daughter)
I instantly felt the blood rush from my head when we discovered this theft.
I was crushed. I knew that we couldn’t allow him back into our home, because he needed to learn the consequences of stealing from people who had chosen, against all reason, to trust him in their home with all their stuff — with their daughter, no less.
Before anyone gets on my case, it’s not about the lighter — we have more. It’s about the loss of trust. It’s about the lack of respect, the carelessness. It’s the act of the crime itself. We let him into our home, trusted him to respect it, and we were brutally disappointed.
Before anyone gets on my case even harder, we know it was him for several reasons. First, according to his own mother, he steals lighters. Second, he was the only person who was not me or my husband who had been anywhere near where the lighter was kept, and third, he made up the most elaborate story when he was confronted by my daughter (who, by the way, we tried desperately to keep away from this drama, but she was so irate herself that we let her pave her own path through the mess.)
Oh, I almost forgot: the elaborate story was that another girl we know in the neighbourhood must have broken into our house in the middle of the night to steal that single lighter.
She’s eight and has never even seen our house, let alone a lighter on a tall shelf that she wouldn’t have been able to see. But sure.
He must think we’re the world’s biggest idiots, and that’s so insulting that I can’t even look at him.
Why do some kids steal while others don’t?
At the end of the day, the most depressing part of this story is that we’re talking about a ten-year-old kid. He should be playing elaborate games of the floor is lava and building epic Minecraft castles — not stealing.
We know why adults steal. Sometimes it’s because they have a need that isn’t being met — or a need to make money to support a substance habit. Sometimes adults steal because they feel they are owed something, like when people steal towels from overpriced hotel rooms. And sometimes adults steal just for the thrill of it.
With kids who steal there are, admittedly, elements of that kind of thinking. But generally, when a child steals, it tends to mean something more, and it’s not good.
When kids steal, it’s a cry for help.
Kids steal for a bunch of reasons — they want something that they (or their parents) can’t afford, like name-brand clothing or shoes. This, by the way, is less of a yearning for high fashion and more of a yearning to fit in and be respected.
Which means they probably aren’t respected elsewhere, and that’s a problem in and of itself.
Kids also steal because they crave attention. They might be trying to gain status among their peers or, in the worst possible case, they’re subconsciously calling attention to their home life, in which they might be suffering from various forms of abuse. Stealing is also a form of rebellion and a way to regain some element of control in a child’s life, which they may feel they lack for a multitude of reasons.
Moreover, if the stealing becomes a pattern (as it has with my daughter’s sticky-fingered friend) that is an indicator of an even larger issue. It could be a symptom of kleptomania, which is a rare mental health disorder which makes it very difficult for the sufferer to resist the urge to steal, especially items that have very little value. It may also be an indicator of other serious mental health issues, such as compulsive disorders including but not limited to obsessive-compulsive disorder and eating disorders.
In my daughter’s friend’s case, the issue is definitely serious, although I’m not worried about abuse at this point (thank God.) But he does have a collection of random, useless items that hold no value, either monetarily or personally. He has stolen a lighter from us to add to his collection of literally dozens of lighters (according to my daughter, who claims to have seen one of his many stashes) and his latest obsession is with tools. Tools that, in all likelihood, he has no use for or even the knowledge to use.
It’s just really, really sad. As a parent, my heart is broken for this guy. Something is bothering him and I will likely never be able to help him.
I can only hope his parents can do something — and they should. That’s what we all signed up for, and I hope they are taking some appropriately serious steps to help him.
What to do if you catch your kid stealing
I genuinely hope that the parents of this young man read my rant, because there are some definite dos and don’ts when it comes to a child who steals, and from what I can tell, there have been no consequences for his actions.
So please, for the love of all that is holy, if you catch your child stealing, don’t just warn other parents about their little “habit.” That child needs to learn that stealing is an actual crime, and that committing said crime has consequences.
The first consequence is having to return the item and apologize for stealing it in the first place. That alone can be very effective because it’s positively humiliating and possibly intimidating — no one likes to admit wrongdoing, especially to those they did wrong.
The second consequence should be taking something away, such as screen time or, in my daughter’s friend’s case, the freedom to play in other people’s homes with their friends. Unfortunately, we had to deliver that consequence ourselves and it makes us feel like the assholes here, but he seems to be able to roam the neighbourhood freely, as though he hasn’t stolen from every household he’s entered.
We’re not assholes. He stole from us, and for his sake, he needs to learn these lessons before it’s too late. Someone has to do it.
Hopefully our minor intervention will nip the problem in the bud, but if it doesn’t then that young boy needs some professional help. I only hope he gets what he really needs.
What NOT to do
Kids who steal aren’t bad seeds — they are seeking something that they might be missing in their lives. And that’s just really sad.
If you catch your child stealing, take steps to prevent it from happening again using the strategies I’ve shared here. If it’s not your child, however, like in my case, there are still ways to encourage a positive change.
As much as it pains me to hurt his tender feelings, he knows what he did. He’s not allowed in our home until he returns what he stole, and that’s our best way of helping him get through this phase — which is hopefully all it is. Sometimes a firm hand is all that is needed.
However, it’s important not to admonish a child too harshly, and I hope I don’t need to remind anyone not to raise their hand to any child. Kids make mistakes — we all do — and it’s important to give them opportunities to redeem themselves. Don’t make that hard for them; it’s better for everyone if you leave the door open (figuratively — don’t let them back in to steal more stuff) to make better choices.
This boy has some major work cut out for him, and whether he needs to see a counsellor or a few firmer consequences will suffice, something has to change before he’s allowed in our home again. It’s not a punishment per say, but it is a consequence.
He needs to learn that he doesn’t get to disrespect people and their possessions without repercussions. It’s as simple as that.
I hope he not only figures that out but comes forward — I know it will be a terrifying and mortifying moment for him, but it’s necessary for his growth. When he does, he’ll find welcome and (cautiously) trusting people to look to once more.
If you are the parents of a child who is stealing, breathe. Keep an open and forgiving heart but set those firm, fair consequences and boundaries. You haven’t raised a delinquent quite yet! A child who steals is not lost — be firm. Be fair. Be consistent.
Be the parent they need you to be.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
