My Favorite Thing About Holding Men Accountable?

I will start by saying that I’m fully fucking aware there are great guys who exist and are just out living their lives. Duh. We all remember Brian. Perfect example of someone who will be a great husband one day, should he choose to do so.

However, there are so few Brians and so many Fuckboys, the fucking ratio has led to this End Of Lays time that is upon us. Everyone is in a tizzy. Men 18–25 are disillusioned, nobody is having 2.5 children, who the fuck is going to buy all these minivans?

Well, quite frankly, there isn’t a cell in my body that gives a fuck.

For years, I’ve been cheated on, lied to, conned, heartbroken, lonely, frustrated, and as everyone was a witness to, ultimately left with nothing but the pieces I managed to sweep up and reassemble. Yet, I didn’t have single men running to my rescue, #notallwomen, writing columns defending the rights of women to be single, goal-oriented, and still dateable.

Quite the opposite, actually.

Yet, it seems every fucking day I’m seeing column after column, written by women, some even claiming to be women with a goddamned brain, coming to the aid and rescue of these men.

Bitch, they don’t need you to save them. In case you’ve forgotten, we aren’t the fucking oppressor.

In case you’ve forgotten, we are still the oppressed.

“Oh my God, men are so upset because someone yelled at them for holding a door open”, and “what the fuck are they supposed to do, they’re paying for dinner, women aren’t putting out, and then they’re being yelled at for expecting sex”.

Bitch, I swear to Go-

Give me a second. I can feel myself about to truly come the fuck unglued. Allow me to get this fucking composure popping.

Let me help you out with your campaign to save the feelings of these poor, unfortunate men who got their feelings hurt when women decided to stop being sex dolls, maids, and fucking doormats. If these fucking dudes are so great, how about you shut the fuck up with your guilt tripping other women, and you date them?

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Oh, you don’t want to date the asshole who is all pissed off he paid for Applebee’s and didn’t get a blow job? Well, why the fuck not?

You’re so quick to talk about women turning into “new age femnazis” and how we’re all so jaded, poor men, boo fucking hoo. Okay, cool, we choose you as tribute bitch. Have a great time at Applebee’s.

Right. $17.99 for a blowjob isn’t such a fucking great trade now, is it?

Stop thinking you need to be the pick me ass bitch for these dudes. A good dude doesn’t expect you to, and a dude that does expect you to isn’t worth saving. I don’t understand how much clearer I can be.

Or, keep being the pick me. But when you, ultimately, aren’t picked, we’re not taking you back. You turn your back on women trying to be better, you’re no longer on our Christmas card list. You better pray them dudes have mimosas in their mama’s basement, because fuck you, we’re not sharing.

Bitch.

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This post was previously published on April Hawkins, Ask A Bitchface.

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