My Friend Just Gave Me the Best Advice for Dating Apps

Last night, my girlfriends and I sat on my couch, showing each other our dating profiles and giving each other advice.

My friend, Scarlett, went first. She’s only on Tinder and not looking for a relationship right now. Her profile was more…seductive. She had one photo of herself in just a pair of jeans, with her back facing the camera, coyly looking over her shoulder. She didn’t have any prompts and was even using an alias.

I went next: a headshot my photographer friend had snapped in a park one afternoon; a group photo with me and the girls; a wholesome picture of me hiking. On Hinge, my prompts were mostly generic: likes lazy Sundays; looking for someone to show me around the city; “goes crazy for” beer and pizza.

And then, my friend Jane’s. She walked us through her profile like it was a step-by-step guide to her heart. First photo started with a prompt: me in the wild, and a photo of herself laughing under fall leaves.

Next, what she’s looking for in a partner: kindness, generosity, a curiosity to learn.

Second photo: Can you guess where this was taken?

“I’m giving them the opportunity to respond to every part of my profile,” she explained.

She had two other pictures, one of her bowling because she loves to bowl, and another solo photo of her with her glasses on, looking slightly away from the camera, captioned, “Felt cute, might delete later.” The last prompt on her profile was what she’s passionate about. She listed: learning, giving back, adventures, feminism, equal rights, politics (with a fist emoji).

“Jane,” I said. “That’s great, but isn’t that going to turn off a lot of people? Any time you write, ‘feminism,’ guys run the other direction.”

“That’s the point,” she said.

That’s the point.

The point isn’t to attract everybody. The point is to attract the right one for you.

Jane’s profile showed she knows what she wants. And she isn’t afraid of saying it. Scarlett knows what she wants too, but in a different way.

And me? I had no idea what I was looking for. Maybe just someone kind of cute and who likes to go to the pubs? My lack of clarity on what I wanted in a partner was preventing me from finding anyone.

I was having these half-invested conversations that would die off after a few days, and there wasn’t anyone who actually piqued my interest.

I’m also bisexual, and I’d been avoiding dates with women.

Why wasn’t I getting clear on what I wanted in a partner?

Jane had three dates in the last two weeks, and she was now on date number four with a guy who seemed really genuine, but she also wasn’t closing the door to other people.

“It’s also a number’s game,” she said. She told us a story about her dad who used to sell fish door-to-door back in the day. He’d say that nine out of ten times, the person at the door wouldn’t want to buy the fish, but then that one time they would. And you wouldn’t have gotten that sale if you didn’t go to ten doors.

I don’t think she was comparing men to fish, but you get my point.

Dating apps can feel like a full-time job. But you only get out of them what you put into them.

It’s okay to not want to date, to not be seriously looking, to be by yourself and enjoy your own company—of course. But if we do want to find a partner, we have to act in a way that reflects that.

Our profile has to reflect that.

I’m not sure I’d make my profile exactly like Jane’s, but I might start by at least saying I’m a writer. I know there are more interesting things about me than liking the pub.

If Jordan who works in investment banking and “lives at the gym” doesn’t want to date me because of that, well, I don’t think we were meant to be anyway.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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