Please understand that I hold no ill will towards my mother because for all her faults she was the one that was awake during the middle of the night when I was going through extreme bouts of anxiety. I write this not out of anger, but because of the understanding, clarity and internal peace discovering this gave me.
Also, it’s not all bad. I’ve taken away some amazing moments and memories with my mum. This is just a deeper insight.
Narcissism is a funny one. I’ve witnessed two types of Narcissists in my life travels.
The first kind would be the people that are similar to my dad. You can find these people hidden away from prying eyes. On the surface, if you were unaware you would think of them as really nice people willing to extend a hand; but hidden away from society, they are giving their wives, husbands, sons and daughters hell on earth. Their brand of family is one that is strictly under their control and guidelines, and any deviance from this will be met with strict and often heavy punishment. They dish out punishment with their fists and usually leave lasting to permanent mental and physical scars.
The second brand would be the manipulative form, like my mum. These people are exceptionally nice — to the point of their own sacrifice. It’s not that they want to do what you’re asking of them, it’s just that they’ll know it’s barter to use against you whenever they need something done later. Guilt is their weapon and they will wield it like Excalibur.
These manipulative Narcissists fall foul when they choose to use their guilt tactics in dating and relationships and fail to understand that attraction is not something you trade for niceness, therefore earning themselves the reputation of “nice guys/girls.” The burden is heavy on these people because they try and control and manipulate too much and end up internalizing their rage when things go wrong, unlike the first kind of Narc I’ve met, who lashes out on weakened subjects.
Understanding Narcissism is hard because we have to dig deeper and further into the psyche of the Narcissist. We can blame them, but it’s ineffective. Life is not a blame game. There is almost always, at the root, some form of abuse or neglect in childhood, and because of the lack of nurture, love, encouragement, and empowerment; the child looks to control the world around them to the point of delusion to minimize hurt and negativity.
My dad for example, had absolutely no boundaries growing up. In the words of my Aunties he was a “latch door key kid”. So, basically because of his mum and dad’s inability to parent him effectively he was self-sufficient well before he should have been. I think that was one of my dad’s deepest issues, the longing for strict boundaries because of the extreme neglect in his life. There is more there but I expect I’m not privileged to this information.
I’ve only just discovered that my mum is a Narcissist this year. I’ve been thinking about it a lot; there are a lot of factors at play here. She couldn’t have had it easy the ten years she lived with my dad, then of course trying to raise a son on her own; all with the fall-back of the social climate towards single mothers in the 1980’s, and the constantly looking out for positive male role models for me, plus navigating the internalised self-hatred brought on by the abuse from my dad. I think the only reason he didn’t hit her was because he was scared of my Granddad.
That being said, with all this understanding and empathy at some point we need to cut the cycle of abuse. At some point, a person needs to become hyper-aware and say, “no more” to what’s happening. Self-awareness is super hard for narcissists and can often send them into fight or flight mode, but it can be done as I have shown through my life. We have to understand the abuse that’s been dished out to us, but also, we have to understand the carnage we have left in our own wake. It’s the reason I practise a form of extreme accountability, where everything that happens falls at my feet. Then I only have myself to blame, and the buck stops with me to fix whatever it is.
My mum’s narcissism crept by me for years. It’s more apparent now since I am removed from my parents and sit here like a fly on the wall. I’ve also had ample time to reflect without constant interference, and I’m now conditioned with less bias than ever before. I’ve met both inspiring and powerful women and men, and their behavior has led me to look deeper into my childhood than ever before.
Mum is a nice girl. Until recently I thought that my narcissism was straight up taken from my dad. A boy’s eternal longing to be accepted by his father coupled with his mother’s injected hatred for him caused me to go full circle and end up as a “nice guy.” In my constant fury to not be like my dad I ended up being the exact opposite from him. It’s like when the Political lines are drawn, when you veer too far left or right, then the lines get blurred. It is absolutely the same for this.
But it couldn’t be further from the truth.
My narcissism came from my mum, and that was another missing link. My white-knighting trusty steed galloping in to save the damsel in distress absolutely came from my mother. Most of it, if not all of it. Yes, she was always telling me to treat women right (which I’m actually damn thankful for), but then as she let the men she was dating in her life walk all over her and treat her like garbage, this was the true message I was getting: say the right things to women but you don’t need to show it because they’ll stay with you anyway. All you need to do is talk the talk. She didn’t teach me to follow through with my words with what she was modeling for me. I only learned about following through with my words when I met my wife Natalie.
Yet dating and relationships weren’t the only thing I learned from mum. There was a heavy burden placed on me as a child and something I really don’t want to replicate with our son. Mum would get drunk and then do stupid things and expect me to fill the void when she was too embarrassed to go out and socialize. When I should have been going out and playing with my friends, we were in watching some crap on TV.
Mind you, I did get to drink a little and watch some really good action movies, but as I get older and have my own son, I realize how important experimenting with your own individuality can be. I was robbed of this, and not only did I at times not get to go out with my friends, but I learned that I needed to look after my mum emotionally to keep her happy. Any child wants their parents to be happy right? This again furthered my nice-guyery as someone that needed to prop up the needs of women to get through life. It’s dangerous territory.
Her social boundaries, too. I can remember once the local kids stripped me down to my knees and put cut grass up my t-shirt and down my trousers, yet she was too afraid of how stirring up shit would make her look in the community for her to do anything about it. This is why I had swathes of local kids chasing me around to stamp my head in.
And as I type all of this, she is off holidaying to some far off remote place in the world while we struggle to make ends meet, and my wife’s family are left to make sure we’re living properly. We’ve been visited once in ten years, and she barely knows our Son, yet has the time to holiday three times a year.
Go figure.
They always say the only time a narcissist will leave you is when they don’t “need” you anymore.
I try and talk to her about it, but I’m just shouted at. So, I’ve just accepted reality. If I can’t change her, then I can work with what I have.
Like I did with my dad. Far easier that way.
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