My Situationship Ending Hurt More Than Any Breakup

I fell apart when my last situationship ended. There was no official anniversary, no promises made or broken, and no title. There were late-night texts, inside jokes, and hopes and dreams of what would come someday. And yet, it was harder to get over than any breakup I’ve ever experienced to date.

Mourning the “What If”

While there was no formal start or end date, there was the illusion of the “what if.” As we both fell harder for one another, the questions multiplied — some asked out loud, and others just written in the lines between our text messages or the pauses in our phone calls.

What if we end up together?

What if it actually works out?

What if we’re meant to be?

All of those hopes and dreams were shattered when the guy I was having a situationship with faded me out of his life, ghosting me the day after we returned home from a beach vacation. It was the trip he had planned as our “one last hurrah” before he’d commit to someone else. A trip that, for him, signified the end — but that gave me even more hope that we were finally on the path of being together.

He was my best friend, and for a long time, he remained my biggest “what if.” And that’s what made it so hard to let go.

Grieving the Undefined

The problem with situationships is that they live in a place of ambiguity. They’re a mix of hope and uncertainty. They’re not a yes, but they’re not quite a no either. They exist somewhere between nothing and everything. And when they end, you’re left trying to grieve something that was never clearly defined.

Getting Closure Without a “Goodbye”

The cruel thing about situationships is that when they come to an end, when the curtain drops for the final act, there’s often no official end ceremony. There’s no formal “break up.” One person just decides that they’re ready to move on with their lives, and they either ghost or slowly fade the other person out of their lives.

The end result? Lack of closure. Leaving a chapter open, silently hoping that the person you were in a situationship with will decide that they want to come back into your life and actually make things work this time around. A playlist of Morgan Wallen and Taylor Swift songs that you can suddenly relate to all too well. Trying to heal from something that never actually was.

Losing the Potential of a Situationship

The hardest part about situationships is that you’re not grieving what was, you’re grieving what could have been. You’re losing a future that you always envisioned, one where you were finally together — a future that only existed in your mind.

My situationship and I talked about forever. We exchanged “I love you’s,” we talked about marriage and children. And yet, we never made it official.

The problem with situationships is that they leave a lot to the imagination. They give you hopes and dreams of holidays spent together, a Facebook relationship status that connects the two of you publicly, and a future where you never say goodbye.

In the end, you’re left grieving the almosts. A chapter that didn’t end, but a book that’s shut. A fantasy that will remain a fantasy, because your dreams of a future will go unfulfilled. And you’re left trying to explain to every friend and family member that the greatest love of your life was someone who never made things official, but still managed to break you in ways that no one else could.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.