My Therapist’s Advice on Healing Loneliness

Maybe you’re single. Or retired. Or an empty nester.

And maybe you enjoy it. After all, there are some huge perks to these things.

However, the perks aren’t working their magic if you’re reading this article. Because you’re lonely.

It’s okay to admit it. You’re in good company.

My husband works opposite hours as me, so I’m basically a married widow. I also have two teens who come home, go upstairs, lock their doors, and come down only when they want to be fed.

Long story short? It’s me, Netflix, and the dogs. (I love my fur babies, but they aren’t the best conversationalists.)

And I’m miserable.

Luckily, today my therapist gave me advice on how to help lessen my loneliness.

A strategy that can help with loneliness

So what advice did my therapist give me?

Community. Join a community. Become a part of something larger than yourself.

For me, the advice was too scary. It required a courage I didn’t think I possessed. Still, there comes the point where it’s do or die, and I’m there.

I don’t want to feel the pain of loneliness anymore. I don’t want to stare at the television wishing I had someone to talk to or sit surfing the net while loneliness devours me whole.

So, I’ve made up my mind to try and find my tribe. Maybe you should too.

Testing out tribes

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” — Carl Jung

Join an in-person and/or online book club.

I have a quote on my wall from Louisa May Alcott. It reads:

“She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain.

I’ve always loved reading. I’m continually amazed by its power to help me escape my worries, walk in others’ shoes, and learn things about the world and its people.

And though I’ve spent twenty years of my life having conversations about literature with my students, I know it would be even more exhilarating to discuss these things with adults who share my passion.

This is why my first step was checking out book clubs. I googled my city and its offerings and found many to choose from. Most of them meet monthly and offer an online link so you can participate from home.

For an introvert like me, getting started may mean I only join online for meets. Then, when I feel comfortable, I’ll work up the will to meet in person.

And if you think joining a book club would help you build community, you can start small too.

For example, I found out there are a ton of completely virtual book clubs. For example, Reader’s Digest offers a list here. Depending on the book club you choose, interaction may be via Zoom or other platforms or through discussion boards and comment threads.

Regardless of which you choose, the benefit is you’re connecting with people about the things you love most.

Take a course at your local university or community college.

Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to cook. Maybe you’re obsessed with psychology, literature, or history. Perhaps you’ve been wanting to gain job skills that move you and your wallet up the corporate ladder.

Then go for it.

Look through course offerings of nearby universities or community colleges and sign up for a class that sounds interesting. It’s a win-win all around.

You get to study things that interest you and make new friends in the process.

Volunteer.

There’s no better feeling than knowing you’re helping others. As a matter of fact, numerous research studies report that those who volunteer experience greater well-being and improved mental health.

For example, The New York Times quotes Sam Boyd, volunteer coordinator at Special Olympics Maryland. Boyd says that “even her most withdrawn volunteers ‘come alive’ during a shift, and by the end of the day, ‘they’re fist bumping and elbow tapping other people.’”

Besides dulling the pain of loneliness, volunteering may be the most rewarding community of them all. After all, it gives you a heightened appreciation for your blessings, warm words of gratitude from those you serve, and the self-satisfaction that you’re making a difference in the world.

Not to mention, most volunteers are selfless, compassionate individuals who’d probably make the best of friends.

Make use of social media

Embracing social media is also a great way to make friends. Join Facebook groups or engage with others on Twitter. Social Self’s article “16 Apps For Making Friends (That Actually Work)” has a ton of apps that help foster community and connect you to others.

The bottom line:

Famed artist Vincent Van Gogh states:

“A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke.”

If you’re like me and truly suffering from loneliness, you know how tragically accurate Van Gogh’s words are. Still, if you want to make things better, you’re going to have to put yourself out there.

I know. I know.

It’s going to be terrifying. All risks are.

As Anais Nin says in her poem entitled “Risk,”

“And then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

My day has come. I hope yours will too.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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