The Myth of Masculine Self-Esteem

Recently, on my morning commute, while listening in on a local morning radio show, I was struck by the reminder of the fallacy of masculine self-esteem as it pertains to the stereotypical male. On the radio show, the hosts debated how they would feel about their partner “checking out” other men or women. The female host was quite confident in expressing that she felt this would be disrespectful, as well as that this would cause her some discomfort and that she simply would not be okay with this behavior. In this, she expressed her vulnerability and stated need for security, as well as respect in the relationship, thus allowing the potential for productive discourse on the subject, regardless of her opinion. The male host on the morning show expressed that he would have no problem if his partner was checking out other people. He expressed that this was because he was the “real deal” and because of this he would have nothing to worry about.

At face value, this may appear as if the male host is perfectly confident in himself, but under the surface we can see an attempt at expressing invulnerability (having nothing to worry about), masking insecurity and possibly shame (not good enough, because partner is checking out other people), with an expression of grandiosity (being the “real deal”). Often, many men and some women, attempt to handle situations that might bring-up insecurity by over-inflating a sense of grandiosity. Why you ask? This is because insecurity can lead to a question of being good enough and the quickest way to go from feeling one down is to jump to feeling one up.

In another example, you may have overheard a conversation as follows, “I maxed my bench press out at 280lbs today,” workout buddy replies, “damn, well I squatted almost 400lbs.” Where the second weight lifter might feel shame, inadequacy or insecurity due to the others strength in his bench press, he quickly notes his grandiosity in his strength with his squat. Again, we see a quick jump from insecurity to grandiosity. Similarly, putting others down can leave one feeling better than or grandiose. Using the example above, one weight lifter might comment on how scrawny the others legs or arms are, although this may be done in a humorous fashion, the shame/grandiosity dynamic is present. As you can, this dynamic might not immediately hurt the grandiose individual, but it does immediately impact those in relationship with the grandiose individual.

In the world of psychotherapy, we might call this a defense strategy.

However, like many defense strategies this too can be quite problematic. Often this type of grandiosity prevents a deeper connection, while connection is something that we all have a profound need for, especially as it relates to our mental health and capacity for empathy. This type of grandiosity often pushes others away, typically folks don’t enjoy constantly feeling less than their grandiose other. Additionally, this type of grandiosity doesn’t address the underlying vulnerability, insecurity or deeper self-worth issue.

By addressing insecurity with vulnerability, we have an opportunity to overcome these insecurities and develop a healthy sense of self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is not about being greater (grandiosity) or lesser (insecurity/shame) than other men. Instead, this fosters a false sense of self-esteem, where healthy self-esteem relates to an internal and even spiritual sense of well-being, not because what I have or what I do is better or worse than others, but simply because I am. Coping with a feeling of being lesser than with a jump to inauthentic grandiosity, eliminates the opportunity for our true selves to be seen and accepted by others, thus creating a false sense of self-esteem based on a striving to be better than.

Terry Real believes that all men in this culture, suffer from some level of male type depression and related symptoms. As we can see, this type of non-relational ego preserving invulnerability greatly contributes to the issue of men’s mental health. As stated in the article Redefining Masculine Courage: In the Face of Vulnerability, “we can see that the stereotypical masculine man isn’t courageous at all, but is instead existentially crippled, shame-ridden and limited with a deep seeded fear of true self-expression and acceptance.”

Left to cope with a lack of connection, as well as a false sense of self, many men turn to substance, suicide or domestic violence. With 4 out of 5 completed suicides in this country being men, we must step towards authenticity both with ourselves, as well as in our relationships. Rather than avoiding an experience with vulnerability, men might instead, step with courage and embrace their vulnerability, finding deeper connection, relationship and genuine self-acceptance and self-esteem. With an ongoing epidemic of male type depression, dialogue and action around the fallacy of grandiosity, as well as these extensions of toxic masculinity becomes crucial. We all have insecurity and vulnerabilities, owning these and engaging with vulnerability, rather than grandiosity is powerful, growth promoting and relationship fortifying.
—

Join The Good Men Project Community.

“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.

The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many of our new Social Interest Groups, calls about life in the 21st century, and classes (writing, platform building, leadership, social change) as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission.

Register New Account

*Payment is by PayPal.

Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).

◊♦◊

ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:

1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.

2. See the website with no ads when logged in!

3. PLATINUM MEMBER commenting badge and listing on our “Friends of The Good Men Project” page.

***

ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.

***

ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, a listing on our Friends page, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.

♦◊♦

We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.

◊♦◊

Photo Credit: Getty Images