Navigating the World of Dating Over 55: Lessons From My Cats

I’ve dated in eras from no-sex-allowed dating, to anything goes free-wheeling in the late 70s and 80s, to whatever is going on now. It’s easier to just hang out with my cats. However, my numerous cats over the years have taught me lessons about dating.

Cat commitment versus people commitment

Monogamy is not strong among cats.

Same with many people in the dating world of older singles. They’ve either tried monogamy and didn’t like it, or were monogamous for many, many years and are suddenly free to let it all hang out.

Cats do practice a form of monogamy. I had a pair of mating cats before I had them spayed and neutered, and wound up with eight kittens.

I don’t know if Max and Cassia were in love in the way we define it, but they cared for each other.

Cassia was missing for a night. The next day, Max came to the front door meowing loudly. I opened the door, went outside, and told Max to find Cassia. He turned around, led me to a bush in the front yard, stopped, and looked up at me. I parted the branches of the bush, and Cassia was there with a deep wound in her chest.

I rushed her to the vet, and she healed. Max saved her life. Max taught me that commitment is more than sex and making kittens. It’s about caring for and being in tune with your partner

photo of kittens from author’s collection. Trixie is second from left.

Cat cuddling versus people cuddling

Cats are cuddly, but only on their own time and instigation. Just because you need the comfort of a cat’s cuddles does not obligate them to cuddle you. Same with people.

Cats do it just enough to keep you wanting more, but not so much you get spoiled. If you try to force them to cuddle, you might get bitten. I have had lots of experience dating people who offer cuddling only when they want sex. Push for more and they’re out the door. Usually they don’t bite.

My cats teach me to cuddle when I want to, and that I don’t have to accept random cuddles from someone unreliable.

Cat freedom versus older single people’s freedom

Cats, if allowed outdoors, may disappear for hours or days at a time. Sometimes they don’t return. I’ve lost too many cats to indoor/outdoor living, so Quila and Trixie are indoor-only.

Older single daters are much the same. They may text you constantly for weeks, even stay with you for days, and then one day, poof. You’re ghosted.

Unfortunately or not, people cannot be imprisoned in your home. Society frowns on that.

Indoor can be mollified by food, petting, and a spot in the sun coming through a window. People, not so much.

My cats have taught me to make my home comfortable for myself and for them, and to be deliberate about which humans I invite to stay. If the cats don’t like him, he’s definitely out.

Cats unpredictability versus people’s unpredictability

Just as you adjust to a cat’s routine, they change it up. Do they sleep with you all night? Yes, until one night they don’t. Maybe they don’t spend the night in your bed for several nights.

Then, on a night no different than any other, they yowl at your door to be let back in your bed, where they press up against your back, or under your arm, or on top of your head. Waking you in the morning by sticking their face in yours, licking or patting your face. At least that’s what Quila and Trixie do.

The same can happen dating as an older single. Just as you feel settled in, your regular bed buddy decides they are too restricted and go sleep elsewhere. Later, they appear again at your door out of the blue, expecting you to welcome them in. While there’s no yowling involved, there may be pleading.

Cats will ignore you if you leave for any period of time. They aren’t amused when you unexpectedly return. They can’t keep you from coming through the door, but they can sure make you sorry you left.

They’ve taught me that when someone I’m dating disappears without good explanation, to ignore them when they try to return.

Cat aggression versus people’s aggression

Cats hiss, scratch, or even bite when cornered or provoked. Or when another cat is introduced into the home.

I relate to that cattiness. Corner and provoke me and I hiss. Bring another woman around, and I may hiss and scratch at her AND you.

Lesson from my cats — Always introduce a new partner carefully if you’re foolish enough to do it at all.

Cat stalking versus people stalking

Cats stalk their prey. I’ve been stalked often by my cats, but only once by a person. The cats have my permission and participation to stalk me as a play activity. It’s how their mamas teach them to hunt to feed themselves.

There’s no excuse for a person to stalk you, or me. I told my stalker, and meant it, that if I so much as saw someone who looked like him, or heard his voice on my phone or nearby, I was calling the police. I also had his brother threaten him.

People are friends, not food to be stalked. (Apologies to the sharks of “Finding Nemo”). Cats know this. People should too.

Cat communication versus people communication

Cats clearly communicate their approval or disapproval of something you do. Trixie especially has a variety of ways she communicates with me. She brings a toy for me to play fetch with her, drops it my feet, sits and meows in a sweet voice. If I accidentally shut her out on the patio, she yowls loudly until I come let her in.

When I’m gone for several days my cat Quila will come running to the door when I get home, but then turns and walks away. Trixie hides and stays hidden until she’s sure I’m worried, then comes sauntering out.

When they want food, they come bump against me, or sit calmly next to me and meow. If it’s morning and I’m still in bed, when they want to be fed, they pat my face. With greater urgency depending on how quickly I respond.

When they feel safe, secure, and loved, and want me to bfeel loved, they cuddle and purr.

Some of my past dates have not mastered the art of communication as well as my cats have. One of them was down-right insulting, and I still don’t know what exactly he thought that would accomplish in advancing the relationship. It didn’t.

I also have been known not to communicate well with a potential partner or even a date. I’m working on it.

My cats shall guide me.

—

This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

You Said ‘Race’, but Are You Actually Talking About Race?

Understanding the Nonbinary: Are You Confusing Gender With Sex?

The Difference Between Compassion for Those With Disabilities & Ableism?

‘Masculinity’ Is Having an Identity Crisis

—

Photo credit: iStock.com