Never Go to Bed Angry With Your Partner

Most of us while growing up, heard someone say “To have a good life you should never go to bed angry with your partner.”

It is even said at wedding toasts, or by family members who have been in long relationships. But it’s not anger that is the issue, anger is a wave. It’s destructive anger, a flood, that threatens to take us under.

But this simple advice is seldom examined fully. Most of us, unfortunately, have had the experience of feeling mad while trying to go to sleep. It can be anything from mild irritation to full out fury over an issue.

When we are angry we are judgmental, full of overwhelming emotions, needful of expressing ourselves, and we feel completely invalidated.

Acknowledging our limbic system is fired up is not easy. It’s normal to feel frustrated and flustered.

We will be tempted to confront and unleash all of this. But, within the short bit of advice is a hidden gem. This saying doesn’t explain that when we acknowledge our anger — when we think about whether we are angry or not — we are reasoning.

Reason leads to empathy

When we use our reasoning to notice our feelings, we are the person looking at our own thoughts, our own bodies, and our own emotions with a slightly detached sense of self. That is, we can see ourselves. This also helps us to see our partner. We instinctively know that they too, feel things and would likely want to find peace enough to rest for the night.

To validate ourselves, we may say “I am so angry, I feel like I could just punch him/her.” Or, “ I feel like crying” or, “I can’t believe he/she said that, did that, wants that…” etc.

You may find yourself judging: “She/he knows how I feel when she/he does that!” Let yourself roll through these feelings, accepting they are there.

In acknowledging how we feel, we have a sure sense that we can feel, and that we have thoughts about it. This is more than it seems on the surface. It comes with a recognition that we are judging our response, but also the feelings of the other person. We have the ability to see emotions, thoughts, but with more perspective than raw, messy emotions can allow.

We also are reading in ourselves that we can read ourselves! This sounds redundant, but it means that we are not just our emotions. In this moment of recognition, we know we can have empathy for ourselves, but also empathy for our relationship, and for our partner.

What usually comes next is a sense of realizing that self love, recognition, and caring, also means we must care about the relationship itself, beyond and above our natural upset.

This can very much help us reset our dysregulated nervous system. The “never” part doesn’t negate our feelings, it simply acknowledges them, and can help us then acknowledge that both of us are human, and therefore, will experience distress and conflict from time to time.

Admitting leads to trust

After giving oneself a time out to let all of this wash over us, we have to accept it’s time for both of us to tell our partner.

“I feel angry with you, but I want to talk about it when we’re both refreshed.” This two way support ensures that you validate each other, while still intending to a make a plan to find a resolution.

Trust is only created when we fully admit we are vulnerable. We will have frustrating emotions, and upsetting thoughts at times.

It’s a vitally important factor that both people feel committed to the idea of “never going to bed angry.” If one remains fuming, or the emotion remains unexamined, or unprocessed, the accumulated resentment will likely destroy the relationship over time.

The entire process of realizing we don’t want to go to bed in anger is to realize that a temporary feeling is not one we want to trust to run our lives, or dictate our relationships. When we acknowledge we are more than our temporary feelings, we are realizing our relationships are permanent while our feelings are fleeting.

Feelings, like anger, comes in waves. We must tread through them. But overwhelming, stored up rage is a devouring ocean.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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