Never Regret Having Loved Whole-Heartedly

Last night I spent two hours attached to my window, hoping He would walk out of an Uber, into the rain and up to my flat upon landing in London. (I know he landed, unfortunately I figured out which flight he was on). I imagined him looking up knowing I would be there, waiting for him to arrive. Knowing, he would come get me.

In my mind he was ready to tell me he completely regrets the message he sent on Sunday evening effectively leaving me for the 10th time because he’s not sure he can be 100% in this.

‘August’ by Taylor Swift blasting on repeat as my heart was holding on to itself so tight, it couldn’t even breathe. Two hours of the same song on repeat. My neighbors probably committed suicide.

As I was crying non stop, a part of me was hoping, truly believing, that my life would in fact be like a movie. Julia Roberts, in Notting Hill — just a girl, standing in front of a window, hoping that boy would love her!

I loved him so much I thought I truly believed that 5% of that love would come back. But we all know that love doesn’t work like that.

Somewhere inside us is a video editor, playing the ‘best of’ video on repeat

To make matters worse, when you know you should be focused on how amazing you are and on how much better you should want from life, my inner video editor that steps in every time I break up to create a best selling picture of all of the best moment I lived with this person decided to step in.

He started compulsively playing a ‘best of’ compilation but also took the liberty of adding all of the moments I created in my own mind and had not experienced yet — all of the fantasies, all of the hopes of a future, the kids that never were. All of it.

The editor plays the movie on repeat multiple times a day, every night and again in the middle of your sleep. It features new elements at each time you subconsciously press play, such as glances you had forgotten, sweet messages from month two, laughter caught when they weren’t looking, presents and cute post-its. Each version of the movie doesn’t fail to surprise you.

I gave myself a 2 hour window of hope. I actually thought he would do it. I thought he’d land and as he had done before, completely miss me and feel a need to come and get me.

Mainstream advice sucks

Mainstream advice tells us: they’re not good enough for you. Your love was wasted there, your energy, your light. It may be so, but hear me out: if you believe this to be true, you probably wasted 30+ years of your life. This to me sounds even worse than an unwanted break up. Did we ruin our lives while trying our best to love?

I decided I would think of it in a different way: I loved full heartedly. I told him. I left zero chances untapped. I said everything that was in my heart in a proper way (or in the best way I knew how).

I have zero regrets.

Did I love too much? Probably.

Did I choose wrong? I certainly chose difficult.

Could I have made better choices along the way? Yes.

I made mistakes.

I put too much pressure on us.

I let the part of me scared of abandonment take over and run the show too often.

I put too much love in right away.

I believed words instead of actions.

I tried to convince him to stay when he wanted out (I’m so ashamed to admit this).

Ultimately though, I lived my life to the fullest and really, truly tried to love this human being not just with the intent of being loved back, but with the intent for him to feel that love and to be happy.

It didn’t work, but I’m sure I was able to give him something positive, moments of joy, learnings on life and love, care and warmth when he most needed it.

My love brought a bit of light to someone I love who needed a bit of light and I am okay with that, even if in the end I’m sitting here truly heartbroken.

I tried, I had the best intentions at heart, I did the very best I could. What else can you really do?

In the end love is this: two imperfect beings, out there trying to find each other, choosing each other, working hard to become more aware, more present, better humans not just for themselves but also for each other.

And I love him.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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