Nice Things Men Have Done for Me

Women seem to be extra wary of men nowadays.

From #metoo, to carrying pepper spray, to a smear campaign on “f*ckboys”, it seems like the relationship between men and women has become rife with fear and resentment. Much of it is justified, of course. The #metoo movement rightfully villianized men who had been mistreating and sexually abusing women for years (decades even) without recourse.

But this movement has seeped out onto the general population of men too, even the good ones. There are whole swaths of men out there who are perfectly lovely and have become collateral damage when men are distrusted as a whole.

I’ve been guilty of it myself. I’ve been way saltier than necessary towards some men I’ve met, simply because I was frustrated from past experiences or what I’d heard from other women.

Dating Woes

One area where this strain is very obvious is in dating. It’s a confusing world out there for men on the dating scene. Women still want to be approached by men, but men are afraid or unsure of how to make a move in today’s climate.

“It’s tough for me to know where the line is, because it changes from woman to woman”, explains one man in his 20’s.

“Ugh, the guys here never ask me out” is a common complaint I hear among my single friends in San Francisco, a city in which some claim that “chivalry is extra dead”.

I’d imagine as a man it’s harder than ever to approach a women, even with the best of intentions. This often creates a frustrating stalemate. Women rarely make the first move, and men are too wary to approach, so nobody wins.

In the Workplace

The general distrust of men has shown up in the workplace as well. Unfortunately this is not without reason. In an 1,100 person 2018 survey, 41% women knew someone who has shared their story of harassment since the #metoo movement began, and 28% of women had shared their own story. Probably unsurprisingly then, in the same survey, 65% of men reported that it was now “less safe” to mentor or coach their female colleagues.

This is a complicated issue. The outing of inexcusable harassment is necessary and important. Yet the relationships between women and men in the workplace incur deleterious consequences. Men report being reluctant to hire attractive women, to have one-on-one meetings with women, and to include women in social outings like happy hours.

As a woman engineer, I’m very familiar with working in a male-dominated environment. I’ve personally witnessed inappropriate behavior from men, but I’ve also benefitted from male colleagues and bosses. Some of the best and most generous mentors I’ve had have been men. That’s why I believe it’s important to emphasize the good men, just as much as speaking up about harassment.

Not All Men Are Like That

How can we begin to heal this relationship between men and women? I believe part of it is recognizing and acknowledging the healthy masculinity that is out there. I believe it’s creating space for men to interact with women without an assumption of ill intent.

Men aren’t the enemy. Some men have done unspeakably terrible things to women, but that doesn’t mean we should resent men as a whole.

I’d like to take a moment to appreciate the healthy, kind masculinity in my life. Here is a list of the many ways men have shown up for me in my life: