As the idea of romance changes from being a simple boy-meets-girl story to complex tales of longing and loss, it becomes more important than ever to sustain sincerity in intimate relationships.
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Was it all a lie, I ask
The glances, the kisses, the passion, the past?
Tell me the truth, I plead
Were you indeed a liar?
Or was I the truth
You couldn’t perceive?
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Seema Punwani, Singapore
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One of the most madly melodramatic movies ever made for an equally emotional Indian audience, Dil Toh Pagal Hai (The Heart is Crazy) presented a common hitch that hits many relationships—duplicity.
When the young and dashing Ajay takes his ladylove Pooja out for a date with him, his arm encircling her protectively, little does he know that he isn’t the man she wants. Pooja glances back just once, her eyes conveying misery to her heartbroken lover, Rahul.
My friends and I wallowed in sorrow as we watched Rahul’s beautiful eyes hold back tears, hoping Pooja would be reunited with him. No one cried for Ajay. We were too young to realize the importance of being fair—even to those we don’t truly love and even at times when we are at crossroads, unable to decide.
Changing Concepts of Love
The idea of love has metamorphosed into complex, at times inexplicable, concepts that follow their own paths without adhering to clichés or norms. Gone are the days when men and women met, fell in love, and married to be with each other for the rest of their lives.
Broken trust introduces an element of distrust in many, thus robbing them of the ability to be spontaneous in love.
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Magical technologies now transport lovers across streets and seas, helping relationships thrive like never before. Applications that link up members with similar backgrounds and interests have emerged as matchmakers, as fewer people choose to get out and make these connections on their own. Many prefer searching for partners online—chatting, ticking boxes and uploading photographs that may or may not reflect their true selves.
One can fall in love while playing a game online or call it quits while simultaneously taking a conference call. It is possible to sustain a relationship with the reflection of a sweetheart—someone you can gather into your fantasies, but never into your arms. Love can be the animated red heart that instantly appears in your chat box, or a grainy selfie taken discreetly while travelling in a bus or car. It can be a sexually charged virtual conversation where fantasies are woven and promises of actual meetings are made. It can be the strong—sometimes false—conviction that here is a man who is attracted to and intimate with you, someone who knows all about you and will never let you down.
But when such relationships go awry, one is surprised as to how easy it is to move on. There isn’t any angry outburst to handle, no tears to wipe, and many times, none to talk to about the wreckage of virtual emotions left behind. People accept platitudes that glorify heartbreaks and sorrow, and sail on from one relationship to the other, disregarding the importance of closure and getting into new friendships with a rather changed definition of love. Broken trust introduces an element of distrust in many, thus robbing them of the ability to be spontaneous in love. They fall in love again—a bit wary this time—unable to reciprocate with honesty.
Thus, love becomes a fluid entity that constantly changes form and is defined differently by different people depending on what their experiences have been.
Honesty is the Toughest Policy
Regardless of how wicked, weird or wild love stories get, there is a common trait that unites the ones that last a lifetime—honesty in love. This remarkable romantic tapestry is bound by its need for sincerity in words and deeds, the ability to watch and communicate what you feel.
It is easy to get carried away by people. It is great to connect, get intimate with and share stories, but it isn’t easy to slow down and listen—without being defensive—to what a partner actually wants. And if what a lover wants isn’t something you are prepared to give, saying it in the right way and at the right time could seem more difficult.
Prajith Menon, a 45-year old software professional from India, agrees that honesty in any relationship ensures there are no guilt trips for those involved. “Whether it is possible to be too candid in a very convenient world where the next best thing may be easily accessible is a very individual question,” he says, exhibiting mild dismissiveness while hinting at fickle relationships that do not seek honesty.
The illusions we embrace in our need to love and be loved can stubbornly cling to our hearts and minds, clouding our view of what actually is or what we truly feel.
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So what do you do when you find yourself sinking deeper into a relationship you may not remain true to?
In a 2015 piece in Psychology Today, psychologist and author Lisa Firestone writes that it is possible to be honest with ourselves and others around us if we are able to examine why we need to be in a relationship, whether we are matching our deeds with words, and if we have the patience to not be defensive or disdainful of a partner’s feelings.
Firestone writes:
We can handle pretty much anything as long as we are willing to live in reality and face the truths that exist. Honesty in relationships makes us feel secure because we know where we stand.
A 35-year old friend, who declined to be named, says that though she has spent nearly a year in a long-distance relationship with a seemingly good man, his reluctance to discuss certain issues creates a lot of uncertainty and doubt. “I like being with him but when I am alone, I realise that something’s not right. I may not be as peaceful as I think I am.”
It’s not only his refusal to communicate that’s causing friction here, but also her inability to examine her feelings without being afraid of what she may find.
The illusions we embrace in our need to love and be loved can stubbornly cling to our hearts and minds, clouding our view of what actually is or what we truly feel. Lost in our dreams of undying passion, we forget to step back for a while, observe our relationships, and ask ourselves—how honest is our love? Pulling back to examine our emotions may pave the way for a more honest relationship, one that respects not just our wishes but also a partner’s needs.
As we grow to embrace a rapidly changing world—one full of distractions and deviations—it becomes more important than ever to identify honest communication as the central aspect of any relationship. Shifting philosophies and lifestyles have created many unique stories of love and betrayal, but regardless of the type of companionship we seek, sincerity remains fundamental to the survival of even the most casual of relationships.
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Photo: Sudheeshna Bijjala.