‘I have a problem that many would not, on the surface, see as a problem: I’m getting hit on by men in their early twenties—a lot.’
I’m riding my Segway home from a movie at 11 pm on a Monday night. I stop at the light on Broadway and Prince Street, and a handsome young man walks up to me and says, “Do you realize how cool you are? I’ve always wanted to ride one of those.”
“Hop on,” I respond, and he does.
After a spin around Soho, I drop him back at the subway, and we exchange cell numbers. By the next evening, I’m meeting him in Union Square for a date. We’re on the Segway again, as I talk about my recent 60th birthday celebrations, I ask him how old he is.
“21.”
I almost crash. This is the first time I’ve been on a date with a man who could be my grandson.
I have a problem that many would not, on the surface, see as a problem: I’m getting hit on by men in their early twenties—a lot.
He reminded me of myself when I was younger. I, too, enjoyed the company of older men; my contemporaries often bored me. He seemed to be an old soul, but by our fifth date, the kid with father/authority issues took over, and it wasn’t all fun. We slowed down, changed course and worked it out. We remain in touch—at a distance.
♦◊♦
Recently, it was a 25-year-old I met on Grindr. Then there’s this 24-year-old who’s returning from Turkey next week. I usually think they’re older. The Turk has a full beard and is very much an “I’m in charge” kind of guy. That appeals to me. In most of my life, I’m the man in front of the room, the leader, so in romance, I like to relax. However, I can’t cede power to a clueless kid. So, what am I getting myself into?
I understand the seduction of it: the charm, the brightness, the excitement of skin that still fits. The parent in me, the avuncular mentor, is also activated. It’s not just physical. It feels good to be appreciated for my life experience while also being seen as hot.
Being a Hot Daddy brings all kinds of warning labels and limitations. Is this a subtle (or not so subtle) form of self-sabotage? A new version of pursuing the unavailable man? Getting involved with a man 10 or 20 years younger doesn’t phase me. Thirty-plus years younger feels like too much.
Therefore, I make sure to also date men closer to my own age. I had a date with a 69-year-old recently, and he was truly hot. (Unfortunately, he lives in California’s Napa Valley.) I’m eager to be non-ageist here and take each man on a one-to-one basis. I counsel clients to not live in policies, to be in the present and examine the actual situation, to look at the individual in front of them and ask, “What’s the best relationship I can have with this person?” I wonder, however, if some policies simplify and facilitate rather than merely limit. The statement “I don’t date men under 40!” sounds rigid but also oddly liberating. I’ve made a date for this weekend with a 45-year-old. I have a date for next week with the young Turk upon his return. For the moment, I’m holding the contradictions. We’ll see where it leads me. I’m playing a very broad field at 60 and proceeding with caution.
—Photo dicktay2000/Flickr
Interesting article about the age-gap phenomenon. I am in my mid 30’s, but I do like men a bit older because some of them tend to have more substance (although not always). And I love the salt and pepper handsome daddy type. 🙂 As someone of Chinese descent, I do get asked why there is a great number of Asian-White couples where early 20 something young Chinese men pair up with 65+ white men. I can only suppose a combination of daddy/granddaddy preference and desire for financial stability? Anyway, in your next article I hope you consider exploring sexual racism… Read more »
Great age-gap discussion.
Imagine the tuttingtutting from het women feminists if this had been an older man and a younger woman.
As i often tell het men, they can silence feminists by pointing out that the sexual and romance behaviours that feminsts attack as being abnormalities in het men are found in equal measure in the lesbian and gay man communities. That broadly the behaviours of het men are like that of gay men and gay women.
That as a group it is het women, not het men, that is the odd man out
Faze.
I am 60 and my partner of ten years is 39. We don’t know what the future holds but do know we are crazy about each other and tomorrow will work itself out. Unfortunately, most gay men that don’t really know us think and judge us like Stephen. Our straight friends are much more accepting. What a shame that gay men can be so shallow.
I have to say, after reading this one thing comes to mind. If you are on Grinder, you have to own your part, and if you are flirting with 20 year old guys I would think by the time you are 60 you would realize that flirting is a two way street. In other words, I would hope that the author understands that it isn’t out of the blue that this is happening, he may be 60, but his mind is acting like a twenty year old.
I’m a 46 year old gay man and, thanks to good genes passed down by my mother, I generally pass for 34-35 (37 on a bad day). I’m reasonably good looking and stay as fit as I can, and I lead an active social life. My closest friends are in their early 30s and I don’t feel older than them nor do they treat me like the senior in the group, mainly because they keep forgetting I’m 46, and because I’m still more active than half of them. I’m generally a stable kind of guy, but I like my occasional… Read more »
I think most older gay men have never worked in an elder financial abuse program. I did. For 8 years. In one of the gayest cities of the USA. May-December relationships are rarely, if ever authentic. The older man is only fooling himself, if he thinks that his financial situation will not be exploited. Just ask yourself: “Who is paying for everything or even MOST things?” I can site hundreds of “authentic” older/younger relationships that involved total exploitation of the elder finances. Why not? Some of you might say. Well for one thing it leaves an older gay man completely… Read more »
Stephen, I can imagine that is sometimes the case but it hasn’t been my experience. I do not have a large income and my much younger last two boyfriends both had good jobs, held their own and were quite proud of their financial independence. One of them now has his own business that is very successful and the other is well on his way towards that, with a job that pays better already than my own. The first one taught me that open relationships are desirable, and I introduced that idea successfully to the second one. After seven years, we… Read more »
I teach college, so I spend my days interacting with a lot of 20-ish guys. They can be very appealing in countless ways and some of them do get Crushes On Teacher, but I also grade their essays, read their journals, and listen to what they say in class discussions – and there’s no way I could enjoy dating a guy at that still-unformed stage of his life. They’re just starting to figure out who they are and, more important, who they want to be, and they have so much learning to do; I don’t want to play the Pygmalion… Read more »
I call bullshit. Segueways are illegal in New York City.
Yes Segways are illegal in NYC, And , I ride mine daily…
I want to be you when I grow up (I’m 22).
Clearly you haven’t been using the algorhythm from the other article here. 🙂
Good point: YES they do come with WARNING LABELS! lol
Though, I did date a guy 30 years older than me. We almost got married. Realized it wasn’t what I really wanted and that it would bring a lot of trouble later and backed out.
Humbled —> I thought I was cool for being a cougar getting 20-somethings’ attention.
I identify with your situation, as I usually prefer dating younger men myself. When I was younger, up until my early 30’s, I dated men my own age, and the constant problem was the degree of competition between us– all players in the same career and social scene. Finding trust was difficult. Then I had my first long relationship, 14 years long, and I was 8 years older. This was the first person I found who was as ready as I was for a deep relationship. After that, the age difference in my relationships got greater; I had gotten older… Read more »
A very good point. Just as I was beginning to say for sure: No Men under 40, I am reminded that it’s always about individuals!
Of all the men I have experimented with the only man I still think about when I pleasure myself late at night is 30 years older…. He is not only kind, funny, easy to talk with but we both share a passion for the arts that I have to admit is a real turn on…. The way he kisses me and the fact he has a thick beautiful cock doesn’t hurt. But I would be content just laying in bed and talking with him. Funny thing is I dont identify myself as gay. I guess it doesn’t matter when someone… Read more »