It’s hard to unpack. The whole world always seems to have something to say, and at times it feels like I can’t breathe under the weight of all the opinions out there. Especially when it comes to romance, something that’s always felt elusive.
I was talking to a lovely girl from The States yesterday, Lizzy. During our conversation she asked me: “How come no guy has ever snatched you up?!” To me, this is probably the most dreaded question anyone can ask, and it always feels like a gut punch.
Everyone seems to think guys would be lining up for me. Awaiting their turn or trying their luck. But here I am, single, scrolling through my messages, waiting for one little envelope in my inbox, from someone who I know next to nothing about. We’ve only been speaking online, but he talks to me in a way that makes me feel seen. Could it be, really, that somebody actually cares? Maybe.
Whatever it is, it feels like a glimpse of connection in a world that feels too disconnected. But I’ve naïvely believed this before, that someone cared. I’ve believed in people having nothing but good intention, in actually caring, because that’s how it feels to me, even when I don’t know someone. I feel attached to many people I encounter in my life, strangers I have meaningful conversations with, my barista at the coffee shop, the people in my gym, my cleaning lady.
So often my friends tell me I get too invested too quickly. I care too much, and I should not. But how does one do that? How do you engage with another human, with the intention of getting to know them, being open, and not develop some feelings of care for them? I’m not talking about love, although I believe that can also happen in an instant. But in this case, I’m talking about simply caring about other people’s well-being.
Isn’t it normal to feel invested in the well-being of others? Am I really that weird for feeling this way?
I’m jaded. I’m tired. I’m sensitive to rejection, and I don’t mean the: “I don’t want to be with you romantically” kind, but I mean the, “I’m not even treating you as a human being who deserves common decency and respect” kind, an attitude that seems to prevail in the dating scene nowadays. I know I shouldn’t take these things so personally, but that’s easier said than done. Especially when you feel the desire to connect.
I wonder if it’s time to take a break from dating altogether. Maybe it’s time to stop opening up to people who don’t see me for what I am. Maybe it’s time to only choose myself, even if it means being alone (forever?)…
As I’m trying to navigate my feelings, my mind is drifting to my next step.
Where do I go from here?
I’m thinking New York. Yeah, I know, expensive as hell, and very city (for a girl who says she doesn’t like busy and loud). But somehow, when I think about it, I feel like it could be possible. Not easy, but possible. I’d make it work, right?
The real question, though, is whether I’m just kidding myself. Is it just the allure of a grand city, with eloquent nice people, where I can build a stable life, or will I just find more of what I find so insufferable to endure: careless humans, solely focused on themselves, oblivious to everyone else…
The last few weeks, I’ve been feeling disconnected in a way I don’t fully understand. I’ve made my way to Vietnam, and although I’ve met some friendly people, I’ve been feeling more isolated. But at the same time, I wanted that. No company, no group of friends, no support system. It’s just me, on my own, stumbling through life. It’s a weird feeling, being 35, and wondering if this is it. The clock keeps ticking, and I can’t help but feel like the decisions I’m making this year could be shaping what the rest of my life will look like.
Should I take a normal job, or keep pursuing my writing career? Should I stay in Vietnam, where life is easy, or does that mean I’m sacrificing the kind of life I actually want? And more so…. What is that? Is it just love? Meaning? Wealth? I don’t want to choose though. The problem is I want it all.
Work-wise, I’ve been struggling. I wrote a few articles this week, but I haven’t been putting myself out there as much. It’s been a rough week, with everything going on: my father’s health deteriorating, the whole “wanting a husband and children” thing, feeling out of place, unclear. I’m ready to snap out of it. I need to. And I know it’s not all bad.
I’ve made a friend today. His name is Jason, and he seems like a genuinely nice guy. We chatted over coffee this morning, shared stories and experiences, desires and future goals. We’re going to go for a bike ride tomorrow, it’s his birthday. I need more of that, time spent with people, connections that don’t feel forced. It’s funny how something as simple as spending time with someone can shift your perspective.
As for my dad, he’s been on my mind a lot, and I’m thinking about visiting him soon. I don’t know what I’ll find, but maybe I need that. Something familiar in all the mess.
At the end of the day, this is my reality; sitting here, trying to make sense of it all. It feels like I’m running out of time, but also knowing that I’m not the only one who feels this way. We all have our struggles, our moments of uncertainty, and our ways of finding our way out. I don’t have it figured out yet, but I’m getting closer.
Life always has a way of working itself out.
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