On the Other Side of the Fence (Pun Intended!)

A reflection 3 months after calling off my engagement

If you havent watched the well known Academy Award winning Fences(2016). This quote explained it all for me.

“I wanted a house that I could sing in. And that’s what your daddy gave me. I didn’t know to keep up his strength I had to give up little pieces of mine. I did that. I took on his life as mine and mixed up the pieces so that you couldn’t hardly tell which was which any more. It was my choice. It was my life and I didn’t have to live it like that. But that was what life offered me in the way of being a woman and I took it. I grabbed hold of it with both hands.

Rose, Fences by August Wilson

Why hadn’t I watched this movie before ?

Leaving my engagement and relationship was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I felt like I was abandoning someone I promised to stand by. But I see now that staying would’ve meant losing myself completely.

Rose talks about taking on her husband’s life as her own, blending their lives so much that she lost sight of where she ended and he began. She did it willingly, but her words remind me of something I learned the hard way: just because life offers you a role it doesn’t mean you have to take it at the cost of yourself.

…

Where I Stand Now

Three months later, I feel freer, with gratitude for the clarity I’ve gained. If this was a WhatsApp status it would read Just Now.
I approach the father of my children with love, but in a way that aligns with who I am now.
It’s hard work maintaining what I’ve built, but especially with kid(s). I continue to remind myself to honor the effort it took to get here.

What We Had

We shared real love, and I cared deeply for the innocent, vulnerable parts of him.
I gave too much of myself trying to hold it all together and lost sight of my own needs.
Love wasn’t enough – our relationship lacked the balance and growth we both needed.

What I’ve Realized About Him

His struggles shaped him and made him shut out vulnerability.
He couldn’t give me what I needed – not because I wasn’t worthy but because he wasn’t ready too. I have learnt you cannot force God’s hand.
I’ve let go of taking his actions personally and see him with more understanding.

This side of the fence isn’t without challenges, though. I’ve got to maintain the yard on the other side of the fence too – to care for my peace and my life. That means letting go of guilt – this is a big one to let go of – and focusing on growth.

There’s lots of work to be done and most of the time I just don’t feel like trimming the bushes and right now I don’t bother(another pun intended lol). If you know, you know.

…

Noting Through It

During my past relationship, I kept notes on my iPhone – just little thoughts scribbled down without much intention. I made notes when I was frustrated, impressed and when in unresolved conflict.

Looking back now, those notes were a lifeline. They helped me see patterns I couldn’t recognize in the moment.

If you’re in a difficult situation, I encourage you to make some notes, even if it feels pointless at first.

Write about everything: the good, the bad, and the in-between. Over time, those notes will help you track your inner monologue.

They’ll show you if your actions align with your values and just as importantly your needs!

Needs, Alignment and Values!

Words I’ve come to know very well. They pair very well together. Thank me later!

…

I’m hoping this piece will offer some support to the next girl working up the courage to climb the fence. To the girl starting again on the other side. I salute you.

If this acrticle resonated with you or maybe you have some advice to offer me. If you do feel free leave a comment.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***